Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers GAL with waw. Stuck bad.

InAPickle, if you think we are married to the same woman. What do you think the definition of a WAW is? To me it is a wife who is done and will not try. This is my wife.
If my definition is correct, I don't see a lot of WAW's on this site. I see couples interacting about the R with eachother. They have R talk, they are making deals with eachother about how they are going to try and do things,they go to marriage counseling, etc. etc.

I am very happy for these couples who can have this communication, as long as it isn't damaging. But this is not a WAW to me.

I see people come to this site saying that they are a WAS and they need help. This is great that they can come here, but how can you be a WAS and be searching for help. Doesn't a true WAS not want help. They don't want to try.(my wife)

I don't really care if these other sitch's are WAS or not. It is good they are trying to get help and I am glad they found this site as am I.

Does anyone find it strange that my wife's life is about to change dramaticly. Divorce or not. And in 4 months not one word about our sitch, not once? Maybe this is good. That is why I am asking.

mj144, I hope this move works for you. Good Luck. I hope you are right about the way I am doing things, because things sure don't feel right. I am sure you can relate.

ScaredinCanada, My changes have been 4 months and nothing yet. Just want you to expect that. 2 YEARS? Do not want to even think about it, but I'll do it, not if I have to, because I HAVE TO!

I don't have expectations about my changes, they are real. I want her to challenge my changes. BRING IT ON.

I just want her to do something, anything. Well, except divorce me of course. Something positive.

Now, I can't get myself to press the submit button because I am afraid of the response I am going to get from Sandi2 on my thought about the WAW.

I am going to the dentist for a root canal in a couple hours. I will come home from that and she will probably want to finally talk. LOL. Like I would really need the help of a numb face to sound like a mumbling jackass.

The only thing I meant was our W's were behaving roughly the same.

Do you still want to save your M?

IMO, if you do, you have to stop being so pessimistic. Your calling her reactions to you "fake" are shooting down your own efforts. Do you know how many spouses would kill for ANY positive reaction from there spouse? Even a 'hello'.

Have you thought that maybe her small response was a baby step and even though it seemed forced at first, that they might get better?

It was another Vet who told me when I first got here, that the pessimism you feel is because you feel that things aren't moving fast enough for you. You have to learn that it's THEIR timeline. Not yours. As hard as it is to reign in, you can't control how they feel. They are going to choose to feel negative or positive.

Let go of that control of her and having expectations. That's when you have true detachment and you won't be feeling all this resentment in you now.

Pessimistic? This is the most optimistic I have been in my whole life.
I don't have expectations about hello's and good-bye's. My point is she is covering everything up. Hiding. This is a lot of what got us here in the first place. This is real life and she is pretending. I think you are saying that this is her way of trying. I have thought about that also and I hope this is true. This is why I asked for thoughts about what she is doing.

I keep asking questions about my wife and the actions she is taking , and I get answers about what I am doing.

InaPickle, I did not think you meant anything. I wrote that poorly and I am sorry. I went off in a different direction on you. I was just asking your opinion.

MrBond, thank you for your response.

This is real life and she is pretending.

Mind reading. You don't really know for sure what's going on in her head. That leads to expectations. You think she is doing something for a certain reason and so you expect she's going to act a certain way.

Put that emphasis back on yourself. When you say that you are "faking" greeting her, then don't do it. It took me awhile to figure that out. I too felt like I was faking it in the beginning, but then you come to that awakening where you say - "You know what? I'm going to say good morning because it's what I want to do" If you don't get a response, then it's no skin off your nose.

What helped me was that I started imagining my W was one of those crazy people you see just walking around town muttering gibberish. You can greet them and if they don't say anything or yell at you, it's not your problem.

I am in the same situation as you guys. I have been DBing for 14 months and no change in my wife's behaviour. I get the same fake good morning, fake hello when I come home from work and nothing at bed time. She did make one comment that she does recognize that I am a much nicer person and a better father since the bomb was dropped.

Like the rest of you, I am waiting for her to give my the chance to show her that I can be a better husband. My wife is a true WAW. When this started I gave myself an 18 month timeline. I am almost there and in some ways I am no better off relationship wise than I was a year ago.

Before the Bomb was dropped I got a hug for my birthday, post bomb i got a cryptic email message! As a person though, I am much better off and the new me does at least have a much better chance of reconnecting with my wife then old me who had zero chance.

Ha, MrBond. I had to laugh about the crazy people comment. I will have to try that.

Thanks for the advice. Sorry about the earlier post. I do not think I phrased my remarks about my wife faking things properly.

I should of just stated a simple question asking whether or not it was a bad thing or maybe baby steps. I made it sound like it was frustrating me. It is some, but for the reasons of not understanding why. Sometimes when all we can do is type, things get taken in the wrong perspective.

I don't know if the faking it could be baby steps as you say, or it feels to me as being nice because of what she is going to do. Such as D. I see the pessimistic part in that. More fear I think.

I will try to stop mind reading a crazy person.

Thanks again.

I'm in the exact same boat but it's only been 2 months. If it takes 2 years so be it. It's just difficult waiting for something positive - because I'm constantly interpretating things and it almost always just hurts me...because she is not trying. I don't get it, she acknowledges my changes and seems to appreciate them - she just doesn't trust them. How long to get the trust back is the real question?

Habit,
My wife is similiar except that she moved out. Let give you a perspective from my own MLC that may help or not.
During my MLC it was all I could do to make it through the day. If I said hello or good morning I don't remember. I was in such a fog I know there was approx 6 months to 1 year that I had no recollection of. You say she fake. Yea when your in the middle of it just breathing is difficult. Is he doing the best she can? maybe. I only tell you from personally going through it is painful and just waking up is a stretch. if you have any questions I will try to answer but it is a period in my life that I would rather forget.