Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers GAL with waw. Stuck bad.

Habitacker: "I have never seen any sign of my W trying in the past or now. No books,No videos, No MC, Never tried to talk to me, nothing. This is my biggest dissapointment in her. I thought I married someone who would work on their marriage before doing what she is doing now."

You're not alone man. I bet 90% of LBH's think the same thing.

But to most WAWs (and I use that term not literally but to describe the W from bomb day on) she's been working on the M for years: nagging, dropping hints, complaining, re-decorating, changing this and that, etc etc etc. We just never recognized it as "working on the M".

The only time it seems that W will communicate her thoughts and intentions directly is when she says, "I want a divorce". LOL

Take a 5 min. break SAC.
I find this helps alot.

http://newsletter.simpletruths.com/a/hBNIHbnB8PINaB8U9H2NmEvAFQy/movie

Pickle, you've got that right. I look really hard at the past. My wife never nagged,complained,re-decorated, or dropped hints, etc.etc. I know you would find that hard to believe,but it is true. She keeps everything to herself. I think that is making it even harder on her, and me. I am sure she tried in some way, but didn't know how. I try to look back and say I should of saw the signs, but they are not there.

That is what I fear now. As a WAW she might not be trying, and even if she wants to, she doesn't know how. That is why it is so hard, I know there are things that will help, such as this forum, but what does she need to do to find it.

If she could not find ways of trying before she fell into the WAW fog, how is she going to find it now?

I can do everything right, give her all the space and time she needs to heal, but if she keeps her stubborness about looking for answers, and keeping everything stuck in her mind with no way out, how do things move forward. Once again, she was this way before she was a WAW. She would have to be one heck of a closed book now.

You are right, The only direct communication was "I want a divorce".

Now that I think about it. Telling me "I want a divorce" was not even direct communication. The day of the bomb she never actually said those words. I know she wanted to, but I think my begging and pleading etc. kept her from saying it.

It wasn't until 2 months later she actually said it.

Anyway, she got my attention, but now doesn't want it.

Then how did you know?
You've been together 12 years.
She must have been communicating in-directly somehow.
No WAS goes from quietly content to suddenly bomb drop.
You have to figure how, where, what and when, but you can do it.

Take SAC's sitch for instance. The words coming out of his W's mouth say "I will schedule appt for councilling", but her actions or in this case in-action screams loudly, "I don't want to go to effing councillingI"

But that's just my observation.

I agree with you Pickle, but what I don't understand is not just tell me she's not ready to go?!?!?! Would that be so hard instead of just telling me "I will" everytime I ask?!?!?

The day of the Bomb she got her point across without saying those words directly. I am sure my begging and pleading for another chance kept her from saying them. But 2 months later I heard them.

My point was that before the bomb. I never new anything was wrong, like a lot of us. But after the bomb we can usually look back and see how they tried to communicate the problems with us.

I can not look back and find anything. She kept everything so deep to herself. Probably fear of my anger if she tried. Whatever the reason, I can honestly find nothing in the past that showed her trying to communicate that something was wrong. This is what I have meant in the past when I say we had extreme communication problems and didn't even know it.

So now this is why my fear is so strong about her never being able to try, because she just won't open up. If she wouldn't do it before she was a WAW and the problems were at the beginning, how is she going to do it now.

This is why DBing seems to be right for my sitch. Leave her alone,take the pressure off, change what she didn't like about me and what I didn't like about myself, and hopefully she can make it out of the fog. I need to stay a long ways away, but keep the lighthouse lit.

"No books,No videos, No MC, Never tried to talk to me, nothing. This is my biggest dissapointment in her."

These are your expectations. You feel that this is the way you would do it. She doesn't think so.

"I try to believe this, but still, I can't see it, and I am still dissapointed that this is all she's got to give. "

Again, no expectations. That's why you're disappointed. When you feel that way you'll have a tendency to give off that vibe that the WAS will be able to pick up and go deeper into their hole.

You have to start seeing your W as not your "old" W anymore but someone new. When you meet someone new, you don't "expect" them to do anything. You just act normally and see if they react favorably.

When you expect things from your W you will be disappointed. She's an adult and not a child. Think of it from that perspective.

I have a sense that I am being told to detach again. LOL.

Habit i think i know exactly how you feel regarding the lack of communication. This was ingrained in my W by her parents, who lived as roommates until their own divorce. I keep hearing how W does not want the kind of marriage they had, but I know in my heart that we were not that way. The selective thinking, an emotional affair with "just a friend" on FB, and the ever attached Iphone maintains her "self", as our R seems to linger. My W does not speak either, in fact our communication was me asking what was wrong, and her saying "nothing", and if I pressed it was "why do you keep asking, I cant stand whiny people". If when I had an issue that bothered me, it was always, ALWAYS immediately defensive stance from her, turning the whole thing into a fault of my own for thinking that way, trying to change her which she deemed severely wrong of me, and have also hear the "if you dont like the way I am why dont you just leave". That is the extent of our communications. I heard the ILYBNILWY in mid october, and I found out that it was after a 100+ txt msg day with her "justafriend" who incidently has held a small part of her heart since she was a teenager. She has since realized this, apologized for it, but keeps her cell phone glued to her, face turned down when she puts it down, still goes to the bathroom with it, and blames me for a severe lack of trust, two weeks after my moving out for a few days to get my head straight. so what does one do when they know their W needs help professionally, or at least realizes there is not enough respect of them for us, for them to listen to us? It could be hormones, it could be MLC, all the signs were there, the EA had a huge impact on me, and I am hurt because of it. How can someone go from trust to it being bruised to trust, and then having that thrown in my face if she even thinks I looked at her cellphone? She mentioned wanting to go to MC, but the priority is not there at all. She has the priority of someone who falls down and breaks their arm, and then goes to get their nails done. I cannot commit to this, while the M is constantly on the table and with her so willing to throw the baby out with the washwater. It is as if it is used as an Ace up the Sleeve, to win arguments, and thats not communication. I swear, with the similarities between our ages, and wives, that someone must have cropdusted the entire face of the USA with anti-marriage dust.
And the time frames these things have happened to us all, is just wayyyy to coincidental. At least I know I am not alone, and I have lurked here for a couple months, spent NYE away from W and D, and that hurt. Do they still have the paddy wagon you can call to have them come check on our W for us? (j/k).
I pray daily for at least some sign now of Gods will for me, and it seems to me from what I have learned that our promise to Him to commit in these marriages is the will. But then again, my entire life has involved divorce, parents, her parents, all of my siblings. I see some of them vastly happier now with "real" people, and not that I advocate that, it just makes it harder to pursue the DB when your confused about your own place on this planet.