Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers GAL with waw. Stuck bad.

I am not sure if I am going to be able to help my friends much. They are not going for the DB approach.

The big problem is that they get me thinking about other ideas. Mainly, our natural instincts. I find myself thinking they are right.

If they are not going to DB, I am afraid I am going to have to stay away. It gets me thinking about doing things it has taken me 4 months to stop doing. I am very sorry that I can't help my friends.

Starting to go out again, and hang out with these guys was a start to my GAL. Darn it.

Why can't you just learn from them? DB is about learning. See what works and what doesn't. If they decide to go on with the D, then see what the reactions are of their W's. TAke this as an opportunity.

That is the way I was looking at it. The problem is they listen to what I say about DBing, but they don't get it. They end up trying to sway me into our instinctive ways of doing things.

After talking with them I end up all fired up, and back in the "fix it now" mode. What they say makes sense to me because it is exactly what we all wanted to do when we started this. I don't want to backslide.

I would love to know where my wife stands now, she seems way more comfortable than a couple of months ago, but I get the impression she is getting comfortable being roommates, nothing else. But, that's a start.

I have said it before that it is very hard to tell for sure with her. She keeps it all inside. There has not been 1 word initiated about R by her since the bomb 4 months ago. She is just living like nothing is wrong. Really avoiding it I think. This is a lot of what got us into trouble in the first place.

I will have patience, but I really don't know what to look for. Even when we were at our peak, she was never physically affectionate. She is never going to come to me and hold my hand, or hug or even the smallest gesture. Just not her style. She was affectionate, just never initiated it.

My point is she never initiates anything physical or verbal. So at some point I am going to have to. Waiting for a R talk from her I believe will not happen.

"The problem is they listen to what I say about DBing, but they don't get it. They end up trying to sway me into our instinctive ways of doing things."

That's when you learn the ultimate lesson of DB. You can't control other people, just yourself. If you have faith in yourself, it doesn't matter what others say, you will go on and be happy with your actions regardless of the consequences.

I have seen some sitch's and veterans saying that the WAW will challenge the LBS changes. This has never happened to me.

Anyone have any thoughts? The only thing that comes to mind for me is that she just doesn't give a s**t.

Same day over and over. Never any change in her. A few times I thought I saw baby steps, but I was just grasping for something.

I am a new, better man. I am being an awesome father. I will be a terrific husband if I am ever allowed to be. I am following DB. No R talk. Very successful 180 with anger issues. I have stayed home. I have gone out. Don't know what else to do.

I get a FAKE "good morning" and we go to work. We come home and I get a FAKE "hello". We eat dinner with the kids. "I" play with the kids while she does whatever it is she does as long as it is in a different room. I give kids baths, watch some t.v. with kids, and she comes and puts them to bed. Then she either goes to bedroom to read or sleep, or goes to basement to watch her shows. If she is forced to see me on her way to bed, if I am lucky I will get the FAKE "goodnight". Lovely.

Usually after she puts kids to bed, she heads downstairs to watch shows, so I go out in my shop and workout. By the time that is done she is in bed and have at least allowed her to not have to say the FAKE "goodnights".

All the fake happiness. Like everything is fine. This had to be going on before the bomb hit. No wonder I never knew anything was wrong.

If I am doing everything I need to as far as DBing. Someone please tell me that what is going on is helping her. Tell me that this state of limbo, is time for her to heal.

I think we're married to the same woman.

I should just copy and paste your post in my thread.
(But that would be plagiarizing.)

Blessings,
Pickle

Habit,
I don't normally post to anybody's sit. My wife has moved out but was similiar to yours in many aspects. I will reply to being in MLC myself.
The fake hellos, goodnights etc. In the middle of MLC that is all you have to give. I don't think I even said that very often. I faked my way through my life as best as I could given the internal confusion. Was I healing? I was but I don't think everybody does heal through this. Why do some heal and others not? I don't know that answer.
The capacity to get through a day was very limited in my case. How long was I in this glazed state. Approx 1 1/2 years. Total MLC 2 1/2 yrs.
If you have any other questions you may ask. I will answer as honestly as I can but I lost at least a year where I don't remember much at all only pain.

3 peas in a pod? The only difference in my sitch is that based upon your descriptions, I don't believe that I was DB'ing as well as you. Towardss my wife, that is. Still not sure if I am. Relationship with the kids, however, million times better because I have been kinder and gentler with them. However, the 'stuck' feeling with my W, the tension and my inability to truly detach is why I decided to move out, which I am doing today. My gut tells me I have close to zero chance of making this work, but I had to try something different. If you can put up with the way she acts, as long as she isn't moving the process towards D, I think you will eventually see her soften. It sounds like you are doing all the right things.

My W has challenged my changes a handful of times, but that usually just her saying that "it's just an act because I said I didn't want to be with you anymore". I not sure how much it really helps me to hear that other that fact that she is acknowledging that she's actually noticing the changes. It's been 2 months, will it take 2 years for her to "believe" in the changes???