Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Just like most of you...

here I am in the same boat. Married for 9 years together 15, 2 kids ages 4 and 2. Husband was wonderful for the most part then around April started distancing himself from us, very irretable, and angry. Found out in August he was having an A said it was over, wanted our marriage to work out but everytime he tried NC with her he was extremely depressed and angry at me. He would pick right up and go back to her. In mid September I put him out because I could no longer take his moodiness and deceit. He went to live at his moms and would go back and forth. Whenever he would decide to work on the marriage it wouldn't last for more than 2 days. I finally decided to move in with my parent's. He now lives with his continues to see the OW (denies it)and tells me he has no feelings for me. For the most part he says that the marriage is over and if he ever decided to want to get back together he would let me know. He is now moving out on his own I'm assuming with the OW but won't tell me, I suspect this because he does not want me to know where he is moving. I really love him and want back my marriage...I have tried so many things, the begging crying, the 180, the threatining with the divorce but nothing seems to be working. His family is very supportive and they give him hell for his EA but it seems that he just doesn't care. The only one time he showed signs was when I went out to dinner with my sister and cousin he called me 14 times in a row to find out where I was and I wouldn't answer till I got home, he was furious and said something like oh you're f'ing aroung now and hung up on me!!! I have tried to get rid of the OW but she denies, denies, denies, that they even speak. I need some real help I am at my wits end with his ways! One specific question that I also have is that his family wants me to be involved in their lives, like going over for dinner with the kids and to not stop our regular family things but he still lives there and isn't happy when I do go is it a good idea to act as if nothing is wrong? Thanks any advice will be appreciated!

I asked him today if he was going to bring my daughter from their visitation and he asked me why and I stayed silent and he said are you going out and I replied yes. He said go ahead I'll keep her today. He acts as if he cares but doesn't say much??? So confused!!!

sarahani,

Have you read the books?

PEI

Hello Sarahani,

I will start by saying that I am sorry you find yourself here. However, you will find that the people on the board either have been where you are currenly, are right along side you in their situation, or have been on the opposite side. In the future please break your posts up into paragraphs.

The following are just my thoughts. You can take them or leave them but I figured I would throw them out there.

I wouldn't threaten D unless you are going to follow through with it. Empty threats will not do you any good and most likely will push him further away and make you appear weak.

You need to live YOUR life the way that you want to live it without any regard for what you H thinks. Do you want to spend time with his family? If so then do it.

Leave the OW alone. It is very unattractive and to be honest it won't do any good unless you H gets rid of OW on his own. Continue to work on you and become the better option, but work on you without thinking about what your H will think.

Peimom-No I haven't read any of the books yet. Which one would you recommend?

Kemper-Thank you for responding I will try to break up into paragraphs next time. I agree with you on the divorce thing but I get so frustrated with him!

I've been taking such good care of myself, everyday I take time to look good for myself atleast and at times when I see him I don't think he even notices. I have seen the OW and she is a wreck!

The one thing he always brings up is that I've been "weak" in our relationship. No control over money, no daily routines, no goals, etc. I have made drastic changes in myself, I am in school now full-time and looking for a job...don't call him anymore to ask him what I should do with myself, heck I don't ever call him anymore just on some rare occasions when it had something to do with the kids.

He has mentioned to me in the past that I'm anti-social but really I wasn't I liked my close friends and when I had priorities (my kids) I would put them 1st.

He has never in the 9 years we have been married complained to me about anything wrong in our marriage. If anything he would tell all of his friends that he loved me and wouldn't change me for anyone or anything, ever!

I've stopped contacting the OW it's just pointless, I don't understand how and why she would continue to be a part of something that is so wrong in so many ways.

I'm starting to panick because I feel like I'm starting to resent him more than I love him. I guess there is a thin line between love/hate.

So I just got the book DR and started reading. I'm having such a rough day today I cut all contact with him because he is moving out on his own and I told him if he did I wasn't going to be around and he wouldn't be able to see the kids. I just can't allow the OW to be around my kids.

I just spoke with his sister and she informed me that he will be moved out by Tuesday. I'm so hurt, is this the end of my marriage!!!??? I've never spent any holiday without him in 15 years, got through Thanksgiving and Christmas and now New Years is going to be toughest ever. Does he care about the OW more than his kids!

Welcome aboard. Just to cut to the chase....I would suggest that you do NOT attend his family get-together. If you want to visit them when he's not there, find. I could give you my reasons for saying that, but to shorten it...let me just say that it is "his" family and no matter how supportive they are to you right now...you do not need to be at his family's events when the two of you are S. It would compound problems.

I agree that you never give empty threats b/c they don't work and they can backfire really bad. You can't keep your H from seeing his children, unless you live in a country that has different laws than most. And....why would you even tell him that if he moves out on his own that he could not see his children? Had you rather he live with his parents?

Here's the thing sweetheart, I see what seems to be a lot of controlling on your part. That is what must change. Nothing.....and I mean NOTHING will work for this M until you stop trying to control him. When he did not respond to your techniques (no offense) then you tried going through OW and when that didn't work then you are thinking of going through his family. Now you are threatening him b/c you don't want him on his own. That does not work and it could be one reason he wants out of this R. Just a thought.

Hi Sarahani

I'm sorry you find yourself here. This is a very difficult journey you are on - but if you use it for your personal growth it may be one of the most important things that ever happens in your life.

Sarahini - Sandi just pointed out to you that some of your behavior seems to be pretty controlling. That stood out strongly to me too.

The other thing that stands out in your posts is how you consistently refer to "my" children. How do you think that makes your H feel? You share those children. Don’t you think they should be “our” children?

It is alarming that you are threatening to keep the children away from their father. The issues that you are having in your marriage are between you and your husband and you both have an obligation to ensure there is as limited impact on the children as possible. That means they should maintain a close relationship with both of you and you both need to cooperate to achieve that.

Keep reading DB/DR and really try to understand that your best option for saving your marriage is to be the best , healthiest woman you can be. That means you put the emotional needs of your children before your own anger, it means you GAL – go out , have fun, look after yourself – and it means you treat your H with respect. You don’t have to like what he’s doing or how he’s behaving, but you need to respect that he’s an individual and he has the right to make decisions about his life.

Good luck. Take care.

Blessings. V

Thank you Sandy and Virginia! I think I might have showed some ‘controlling” on my part but there is just so much more to the story and I have so much anger. I felt like it was time I took a stand since I was being used in a sort of way. I did take “our” kids to visit him and they did get to spend time with their father almost on a weekly basis but I was giving up so much for his decisions. I felt like I shouldn’t have to give up time with our kids since before he walked out on us he knew the consequences of his actions. I don’t want to and won’t keep the kids away from him as long as he respects me and doesn’t have the OW around them. We are still considered married and it wouldn’t be morally right for him to bring her around them. He is the one that decided to hold off on the D since he has some benefits by still being married to me so until we are not officially divorced I have the right to say who our children are around.

The reason I didn’t want him to move out of his mom’s house was because I knew he was doing it to be closer to OW and also a little bit of me was still in denial of our marriage being broken. I know sounds weird but when he left we had to move out from our house and move in with my parents. He left us no car, no money, and no roof over our heads. I think if you have money to rent a house why couldn’t you secure that for us?

I have been doing GAL and I try to be nice to him but it is so difficult when I feel like he hates me. Please tell me what route I should take, should I just be nice to him or do I totally ignore him? I don’t ever make the first call anymore, no more R talks, and no more talks about OW or threats.

So today I couldn't resist but to call him, it's actually been a while I think Dec. 7th to be exact. The reason I chose to call is because I felt we were on bad terms when we ended contact and I didn't want him to remember me that way. I know it went against LRT which I think I’m suppose to be doing according to DR but I couldn't resist any longer.

I told him that I would not keep the kids away from him as long as he promised they wouldn't be around the OW and he said deal, so let's see if he can keep his promise. I have reasons why I am so hateful about OW, she has constantly lied to me and she tricked me into doing something for "their" benefit a few months ago saying they were only friends and that she would have no contact with him and of course that was not true. She's been a handful to deal with and very conniving. It seems that every time things were going smoothly she would manipulate him into staying with her.

So our convo went ok...he showed some interest he said, every time I call you you're out and why do you still have face book when you told me you deactivated. To me it was some sort of jealousy??? Who knows I might be wrong!

We did have some R talk and he said I don't think it's going to ever work out between us again, I can never forgive you for what you did (he feels I chose my sister over him in a fight) but I will tell you that if you should ever be proud of anything in your life it should be that "you were a damn hell of a good wife"! He said he is really hurt at things that I did and that I was so irresponsible. He said being separated made him grow up and become more responsible.

He hung up on me at one point when the convo got intense and I started arguing with him that we didn't have problems and why he would all of a sudden turn things around to be my fault but called back a few minutes later.

I quickly turned things around and told him as it says in DR to do and said you are a great father and a great husband, we had a great relationship. If there was changes we needed to make to make it even better I can work on those and if he felt the same that we shouldn't throw this all away. He didn't respond.

I feel so strongly that if the OW wasn't in the equation everything would be fine between us and we would have a chance. She just won't leave him alone. I heard a voicemail he left her some time ago when we were still living together and he said "I love you BUT I'm sorry"! That vm indicated to me that he did attempt to end it but as I know her reaction didn't make it easy for him.

I'm confused now on what to do should I continue to be on good terms with him and continue the R talks or should I stick to the LRT which doesn't seem to be working that well? I think when I don’t talk about the R and reassure him that we will be fine he goes back to thinking it’s just not worth the effort. I really think he needs some “convincing” that things can be ok again.

Also, thank you everyone for your input made me realize I need to change some of the things I was doing!