I want to clarify in my response to Sandi's much deserved 2x4 to my head, that I never cheated on my W. OW refers to female friends that I had, some being ex gfs, that my W was uncomfortable with after she and I started dating. I knew all of these OW prior to W and I meeting.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I would advise you not to tell your W that you will discontinue contacts with OW.....at this time. I don't think you need to tell her that you can see how this affected her and that you are sorry......at this time. Here's what you need to do: Stop the contacts with all your XGF's and this present female friend. You need to let some time pass while doing this operation before discussing it with your W. You may discover that it's harder than you realize.
I think you've come a long ways to see (and admit) that these women were filling an emotional need you had. It's okay to say you need your ego boosted. How can we fix things if we don't see the truth, right? We all need our ego stroked, but we need to be very careful in what/who we turn to in order to get it. After all, that is what EA's are all about.
I know I could not handle my H talking to ex-girlfriends or any OW like that, b/c not only does it do something to her self-esteem, but she knows what it can lead to. She knows that they were giving you something that was not their place to do.
Anyway, don't tell her what you are going to do. Just do it. After you stop contact with OW, I think you will truly begin making great strides in changing for the better.
Things have a way of getting back to the S. There will be a door opened at some point that will be the right time to tell her how sorry you are and what you did to correct that. But right now, I'm not so sure she will believe it.
If you have any pictures of you and any OW on FB, you need to delete it. I think if you deleted any of those ex-girlfriends and other OW friends under 60 yrs of age, who are not relatives,....then that would be the first thing that got your W's attention. If you feel that you need to give any of them an explanation, do it privately. Tell them you won't continue a friendship where your W doesn't belong. Don't get pulled into an argument or long explanations or discussions about your M problems. Personally, I don't think you should tell them anything....just delete them, b/c these women will try to tear your W down and say she doesn't deserve you...yada, yada. A woman who has any class or morals knows it's not right to flirt with a M man......and I know there had to be a little flirting in there somewhere or you would not have been interested.
This friend who is going through M problems of her own....well, that's how A's start. Don't get pulled into that. Break it right now. So what if might sting feelings, is that more important than getting back with your W?
If your W has access to your FB and your email, then she will see that you've cut contact with OW.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Why did I do this? Sitting here thinking about it, it is clear that it is my own insecurities and ego. My insecurity about losing my independence. My ego of showing how I attract the opposite sex. I need to fix this.
What Sandi said ^^^^
And this outward validation from other women....
This problem, and it is a problem, will follow you beyond this currrent relationship until you get to the bottom of it.
See my previous post...
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Sandi and True are hitting the nail on the head about the OW you've been "friends" with. My husband had these "friends" for most of our marriage, and it had quite a hand in destroying me and our marriage. To this day he doesn't understand what an EA is, and how it ruined my self confidence and my trust in him. If you can't tell your W the truth about where you are or who you are with, you have major problems. This same behavior of befriending some woman that needs him has led to his current EA with a coworker. And it all started bec "her husband is somewhat abusive, and she needs someone to talk to". I heard the same thing 20+ years ago with OW#1, and she has haunted our marriage ever since. I can name at least four females and a male that I know of that he gave of himself to instead of our marriage. (Friends even referred to the male as his boyfriend just to get him to notice what he was doing!)
My question for you and the vets - is it possible for someone like my H to move beyond needing these other people in your marriage? I know I'm 50% responsible for what is wrong in my marriage, but I didn't know what he needed from them that he wasn't getting from me - and I would have loved the opportunity to have provided it. Bec he never wanted to share too much with me emotionally. The one time I needed a lot of emotional help was the terminal illness of my father, and my H couldn't/wouldn't be there for me. He even confessed several years ago to his sister that he let me down big time during that whole ordeal.
Will my H ever wake up to this like you have? I think he sees his need for the OW as an indicator we shouldn't be married, and we'll never get the chance to work through this. Reading this has really ripped open some old wounds for me.
Sorry to hijack. If anyone wants to respond on my thread it would be greatly appreciated. Good luck to you Denver, it sounds as though you are making headway.
After reading my post, I want to be sure you don't misunderstand what I was trying to say. I didn't think my words through very well.
1) Of course anyone who have had the needs for EA/opposite sex friends outside of the marriage can change if they so desire. Isn't that the basis for personal growth, and what we're all about here? I'm questioning my husband's ability to do that, because I don't see that he has your desire to change. 2) You are way ahead of so many, because you recognize what you were doing and why. I was trying to let you see what your wife was possibly experiencing because I've been there. My H always said they were just friendships, but they were detrimental to me and the marriage. And I don't think I'm overly sensitive about that. 3) It looks like I was venting on your thread. I didn't realize that at the time. So sorry.
Again, I hope you didn't take my comments the wrong way. You are making great strides in your sitch - much greater strides than I am. And I'm pulling for you.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
