Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Having a really hard time...

No, I mean if I leave the marriage with my dignity. I feel like taking a check for my marriage is wrong. I would rather start fresh.

First off, you haven't taken a check for your marriage because you aren't the one who left it. Your W did.

Saving your M is the most honorable thing to do regardless of the outcome. And regardless of the next R you can never start fresh because you'll have learned the insecurities caused by your first one.

So what are your next steps?

What

Feeling betrayed is normal dude. It is what YOU do with these feelings that are important. Let them CONTROL YOU or YOU CONTROL THEM. You choose.

Define “gone”. If you saying that you want YOUR OLD M back and that your fear is that it is gone…well then it is a valid fear, cause honestly dude, think about it. Do you really want your OLD M back? I mean really. Now a new R or M with your W, one that has reestablished trust, one that has open communication…well I think that is what we all strive for.

It usually drives all of us…that is until we learn to face it. Guess what? That my friend takes time….but it time that you really have. So stop thinking about tomorrow and start living in the moment.

DB101 – change your mind set or how you look at things. Yeah she’s cold towards you BUT it could be worse, you could be coming home and finding another dude in your bed and eating your food. Oh, do you expect her not to be cold? Com’on dude, she gonna be cold. Man up and just focus on you.
In terms of her Mother’s influence….is she her own women or a follower? Actually don’t answer that…a whole complete person makes their own choices. Take you for example…are you choosing the stand for your M because I said so or because YOU want to? Hmmmm….

When you finally accept that YOU do not CONTROL what she does…you will fell less anxious.

Oh….your at the stage of “yeah I want you see b*tch what this means”….Hmmm…I’ve been there. Guess what, you push buddy and you will find out just how much she is serious about what she CHOOSES to do. Do you think you can change her? Do you think that your words or…(I hope you are sitting down) manipulative actions can make her see the light? Think again. Only YOUR ACTIONS can make her see what she CHOOSES to see.

Well did you love her? If you did….maybe you did not show it to her in a manner that she needed to receive or better yet, could receive it. Have you given some thought to YOUR role in this?

Bullchit! You offered to give her everything because you think that she will see you in a different light. You offered to give her everything because you are afraid that you have lost her. Think about your answer – not for me for you.

My friend said to me a while…Did I tell you he is now homeless?
Oh and Mr. Bond is giving you some solid advice. Me…I’m not gonna tell you to fight for your M. You either love her enough to give it your all or ya don’t. No guarantee that your M get saved…but you get saved…ahh…that my friend is another story.

Wuss – your gonna concede and just hand over control? Hmm…what is control to YOU? Cause in my book giving her all the space she needs but standing firm in what YOU BELIEVE in is not control. You on the other hand are trying to control her by giving her control. It is manipulative…cause deep down inside you know you do not want her to have control.


As I said above Mr. Bond is giving you some good advice. Read your thread again.

In closing I leave you with this….

Your afraid, your scared that all of your control issues will be brought to light, your afraid to look inside yourself, your afraid and the easy thing to do is run. What I can tell is this….

Do want you want to do for YOU. You love her, then honestly dude stand in front of a mirror with no one around ….look yourself in the eye and ask yourself one question…..

“Did I give it EVERYTHING I HAD or AM I just afraid”.

The answer is for YOU.

God Bless,
Eric

I can want her to have control but hope that she sees the value in our marriage. I don't want to manipulate her into staying in this marriage... I want her to want to be in the marriage. I'm not giving her space to manipulate her. I mean I realize that not doing something is still doing something but so is doing anything. Whatever I do it will influence her decision but that doesn't mean that I don't want her to decide for herself that she wants to be with me.

"I can want her to have control but hope that she sees the value in our marriage."

You see how everything you've based your sitch on is reliant on your W's action or reaction. What about yours? First thing you need to learn is that your actions can affect your W's reactions. Of course you want your W to make a decision to stay or not, it's called free will. But you need to see that your actions count as well. Not to her but to yourself.

The whole purpose of GALing is to gain back the self-esteem you may have lost when the bomb dropped. And i know you're probably going to say that you have loads of self-esteem. IMO if you did, you wouldn't keep giving control to her. You would start caring about your needs. And I'm not talking about your need or want for your W. It's how you want your life to be with or without her.

Doing your own thing or changing for the better isn't manipulating her. It's you becoming a better man. And it's up to her whether or not she wants to enjoy the benefits of that.

But if you don't start making yourself seem like a prize by actually fighting for something you believe in (even symbolically like your home), then why would she think that you would fight for her if you got back together?

Just my 2 cents here,

I just browsed through your posts, but it is very clear what the problem is here. Wussie behavior period.

Women tie feelings of love very close to their feelings of respect. How do you gain respect.....Don't be a wussie. Now you can't seriously expect her to have respect for you when you don't even have it for yourself right?

So you plan just giving her whatever she decides is fair? You don't want to rock the boat? Come on man.....If you really want to save your marriage, this is the 180 you need. Women are attracted to a strong, confident man who is in control of their emotions and can make decisions. I'd say your best bet now is to read a book either "no more mr. nice guy" or hold onto your N.U.T.S.

To be completely honest, being passive, indecisive, living in fear, and letting her be in total control will get you absolutely no where except divorced. I know this is a little harsh, but if getting your wife back is really what you want, it is time to do something different. Build the attraction!!

tjack

You've got to get caught up man; she's way, way ahead of you.
I'm gonna re-write your post in the form of questions and you answer them truthfully.

1. Forget about control: how much value does she see in the marriage?

2. Forget about manipulation; does she want to be in the marriage?

3. Do you really believe anything YOU do will influence her decision. Let me answer that one: No - how she feels will probably be the strongest factor.

4. What do you think will make her decide she wants to be with you, since she has apparently already decided she doesnt? See answer to #3 above.

You must become a person she wants to be with and connect with by NEW or uncovering long buried FEELINGS.

Give her time, space and become that person, and if she doesn't come back, it'll be her loss and some other hot babe's gain.

Look we all want to go back to the days when we were happily married - BUT THERE IS NO TURNING BACK - GOT TO MOVE FORWARD NOW.
(That does not mean giving up hope; it means life is short, so live.)

The reason why I have turned control over to her was because that was my 180. She was complaining that she didn't have an active enough role in decision making throughout our relationship. The reality is that I tried very hard to get her to make decisions but she is not comfortable pulling the trigger so most of the time I would end up being the decision maker. Pretty much I think that she doesn't feel like she knows who she is and I have to give her the space to be responsible for her actions. The sad thing is that she has just turned over the decision making to her mom so she is pretty much doing the same thing as always just with someone else at the helm.


1. Forget about control: how much value does she see in the marriage?

Obviously she doesn't see as much value in the marriage as she does in being not married. There were definitely mistakes that I made during the process that pushed her farther away. In the end though I'm not sure if anything could have kept her from having to follow through on the process. The bottom line is that she felt like she was talked out of being the person she wanted to be and she wasn't going to be talked out of this.


2. Forget about manipulation; does she want to be in the marriage?

Same as above. She doesn't think she wants to be in the marriage or she wouldn't have filed for divorce.


3. Do you really believe anything YOU do will influence her decision. Let me answer that one: No - how she feels will probably be the strongest factor.

I know that me trying to talk to her was pushing her away but I at least hope that when things cool down the points that I made will still be in the back of her mind and maybe she can start to see the points that I was trying to make.


4. What do you think will make her decide she wants to be with you, since she has apparently already decided she doesnt? See answer to #3 above.

This is where it gets pretty complicated. I really need a real job. (I have made a good living for the past 3 years playing poker which she never saw as legitimate.) I am probably going to have to look for work in Houston which is about 8 hours from here. The good news is that that would definitely make me more attractive to her and it would be very easy for her to find work there if she wanted to or for me to come back here after I get some relevant experience.

This is definitely the most important thing to my GALing. I have a lot of opportunity in Houston and almost none here so if I stay here I will most likely just continue to play poker and look unattractive to her. If i go down there and it doesn't work out then I will have done what was necessary for me to start my new life.

All your actions have to be authentic and in YOUR best interest. You may have to fake it till you make it for a while, but if your intentions are only to impress her or to try and change her mind, then you are probably going to run into trouble. Approval seeking behavior is also unnatractive and women can see right through it.

You are going to get a new job in Houston because that is what you want your new life to look like... You are going to be strong, confident, decisive and in control because deep down, that is who you are... You have had a revelation in your life and you are moving forward with your life, with or without her..

DBing is to save you...If you attract her back and you two can work it out, that is a bonus my friend.

Yeah, I'm doing all of these things for me. I felt like I had to hand the reigns over to her regarding the divorce because 1. she was in control of her decision making anyway and 2. her lack of decision making was a big part of the reason she wants out.

I'm not sure how I can seem strong through the divorce process while at the same time giving her control. But me making the decision to do what is best for me is definitely a bold move. I hope that that will start to let her see me in the light that attracted her to me in the first place.