Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Having a really hard time...

have't talked to my wife in almost 2 weeks... i backslid BAD and called her and that didn't go well at all. it is just like sandi said... i get things off of my chest and it feels great then i get coldness back and that hurts like crazy then i have to just avoid her all that i can but it really doesn't matter because it builds up and i back slide again.

working really hard to not let anything slip. my delimma now is that she is going full speed ahead with the process of divorce. she has all of the information to the lawyer (she told my sister tonight) and now all i am doing is waiting to hear what happens next. evidently some type of mediation even though i offered to give her everything. i'm just in complete limbo and don't know what to do. just let her proceed with the divorce and stay dark? i'm not going to contact her because i just don't see how that will help anything at this point.

am i in denial? should i just give up on my marriage and let it go? her parents are encouraging her to divorce i think and they are pretty much her only influence besides people that don't know me at all (literally.) any of our mutual friends she has pretty much shut out and won't talk to.

what should i do?

I don't think that you have many options as far as the D process but to let it unfold, IF it does. When did she file? Is there a waiting period in your state? Here in Colorado there is a 90 day "cooling off" period bw the filing of D and it becoming final. The waiting period may give you a chance to DB. There are lots of situations where D has been filed but then cancelled or delayed before it becomes final.

Also, and I don't mean to be pessimistic on D becoming final, but there are lots of people who do remarry after D. I have read that there are 2 types of D. 1) legal divorce and 2) emotional divorce. Just because you have a legal divorce, does not mean that you necessarily have to give up on your R with W.

I read some very good advice on another thread somewhere here and that is - The decision of if and when to give up on M/R is YOURS and YOURS ONLY. So, you can make that decision when you are ready. I think that a legal D is irrelevant to this decision. JMO.

That's the way that I have been trying to approach it but I'm just worried that I am fooling myself. I don't want to waste time on someone who has already given up on me. The hardest part is knowing that she is capable of this. I am starting to wonder if she wanted to come back whether or not I could trust her again.

forgot to say... she filed on November 9th. We have no children and I am giving her whatever she wants so the process shouldn't have taken this long. I don't think she is stalling because she is hesitating though.

What next


Maybe stop worrying about getting things off YOUR chest and wait to let her get things off HER CHEST.


Stop letting the FEAR of divorce drive what you do. She is going to do what SHE wants to do…you buddy must do what YOU want to.


How about NOT offering to give her everything and just give HER space.


When in doubt DO NOTHING and DETACH.


Give up? Hey did the word for better or worse mean something too you? And FTR, you should not give up on YOURSELF. If you still want this M then why give up…that is unless you are afraid.


Have you given up on yourself? I say if you believe in something you fight for it…that is until you no longer believe in it.


Trust is a choice. Just like fighting for your M…


Nothing like FEAR to help one give up everything because they fear fighting for what they believe in.

Look buddy, make a choice on what you want to do and then stick to it. Be true to you and what you want in your life. You want this M, then stop handing everything over to her. Do you think it best that someone reward bad behavior?

God Bless,
Eric

ugh. thank you

i needed to hear all of that lol. especially the part about trust being a choice. i have been feeling so betrayed lately and just fearing that i won't be able to trust her. that is me trying to build a wall and i realize that.

my dilemma is that i don't want to keep working on something that is gone. i am just afraid that i am in denial... if she is gone then nothing i do will matter. but you are right, it is my fear that is driving me.

What next - I'm saying this to myself as much as I'm saying it to you. You have to take your focus off of the M and your W and focus on you right now. That is what DBing focuses on (mod or vets please correct me if I am wrong). Like Eric said, you can't worry about what she is doing. She is going to make her choices whether you like it or not. You have to give her space and work on yourself. None of us that have come to this board are without fault in our M problems. Look at the fault that it your's, acknowledge it, figure out what you can do to fix it, and then do it.

Again, I'm talking to you and ME right now. I have been working on doing this for about 5 weeks. It is easier said than done. But there are plenty of people on here who say that it has done wonders for their lives... whether or not their Ms worked out.

I've been trying to. And doing a much better job of it over the past couple of weeks. She is acting so cold toward my family and I think that a big part of it is her Mother's influence so that is frustrating me a lot. But now it's just time. The only thing that is going to let her mind rest is time.

I just get super anxious thinking about the actual divorce. On the one hand I want it to be over so that she can start to deal with the reality of what we are doing but on the other hand I hope that she could slow down and take a step back to really think about what she wants to do. (Maybe she has and this is my denial talking)

But she keeps saying things like I don't love her, I love my version of her... or that we were more like roommates than husband and wife. It's just dark stuff that lets me know where her mind is. Of course she feels like my roommate... she spent the last 6 months completely checking out on me and not letting anything positive register in her mind.

I'm venting as much as you are lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClUBNI8H7_E

^^ could be this website's theme song

even though i offered to give her everything.

Why in the world would you do this? Sorry I didn't know if you had another thread somewhere but first thing you need to do is to start protecting yourself. Have you gotten legal counsel?

Get your balls back from her. Stop letting fear rule your life.

I'm right there in your shoes man.
Just sittin' back waiting to be served, or not.
So you're not alone.
Try not to "dwell" on it because you have no "control" over her.
But you do have control over yourself.

It's analagous to asking a lawyer about my rights after a lot of urging on this board. The lawyer just basically said (paraphrasing) "Look, you're rights are what they are, nobody can take them away from you, If you're not the one seeking the divorce, there's no point in worrying about it"

And he's right I have as much control over my legal rights as I have over my WAW. If and when she serves me, I'll deal with it. Just continue to DB as best you can. Will keep you in my prayers.