Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

He is really trying and definitely giving signs like he wants to be with you for a while, but this OW thing is hard. What do you know about her? Is it romantic or is it someone he is getting tips on about the new place? I am by no means saying it is ok for him to text her all the time, but you are just going by how often he texts her. They could be saying little to nothing to each other or it could be more romantic.

I am completely glad you are taking a stand with your boundaries, but you need to be clear on those boundaries with H. He may not be thinking of OW3 as OW3. He is a little naive when it comes to that so he may not be realizing it. I am not sure of how to progress, but I think being nice, but short (not continuing conversations) is working and I would continue it until he is ready for a commitment and it may be you tell him that you don't want to get too close or friendly until you are "exclusive" (going on his terms) because you have been "dating" for a while and you are ready for the next step.

Once again, totally not on his side. Just keep doing what you have been because it does seem to be working and drawing him closer to you.

That's the thing - I know absolutely nothing about OW3. The only thing is that when I called him on it, he didn't deny anything about it either. Instead of trying to say "it's nothing", he only got defensive and starting attacking me about past things. Also, the fact that he wanted to block me from getting and seeing everything online for his phone (he doesn't know, I already can), makes him come off as very suspicious (he thinks I can only see phone #'s listed off my phone, but I think he's concerned I could actually see the messages online, which of course you can't). Yes, it could be more plutonic in nature or romantic, I have no idea, but when you are texting/talking all day and night even in the wee hours of the morning, it's not appropriate, no matter what he calls it. I very tempted to just go off on him, but I know that would be less than productive, so I just need my space from him right now. I have been fighting anger alot (more than sadness) b/c I'm mad at myself for falling for his words again this weekend, I'm mad at him for not letting this girl go, and I'm mad that we just can't be a happy family. Why is this so difficult for him!? Grrr.

You're right tho. He does seem to keep trying like he wants to be with me, but why does he keep sabotaging it with OW3? He knows I can see all his phone activity, but yet he continues to do it. I told him OW3 was inappropriate 2 weeks ago, then I told him again on Saturday that there was to be no other woman in his life or no me in his life. Am I not being clear here?

So right now, he texts me "I'm not one to be into signs and karma, but I do find it odd that our birthstones are not only on me (tattoed) but bunched together..." (he's been doing a nautical theme on one arm with an anchor for S, etc and most recently added a crab with various treasures - I guess ending up with both our birthstones of dimond and ruby put together). haha. Too funny. I guess karma has a sense of humor. =P It just seems interesting that he sent me those horoscopes yesterday that basically said we're good together (despite the difficult times we would face) and then now today, he texts again about us being together thru the "sign of the tatoo". Hello. This is what I have been saying all along! Is he finally seeing the light? Then again, why continue to have R with OW3 then? Anyways, I didn't make a big deal about it and just wrote back that it was rather interesting.

I'm just perplexed about this OW situation tho! What am I doing wrong here? I feel like the detachment is working but maybe it just takes time? hmm...

No advice here. I mean look at my sitch. H has OW6 or 7 by now and still hasn't given her up and never will so yeah...I am not the one for advice, but I would just say keep doing what feels right to you and don't worry about anything else.

I don't do horoscopes, but was interested so I read one and it said something about this year the second half make sure you just go with your instincts because good things are headed your way. Now that doesn't mean H will be back, but maybe something good is headed for both of us.

Yeah, I'm not not into horoscopes either, but it has been interesting how everything has been tying in to kind of force H to see the light (if he's being introspective enough to see it. Who knows?!) I really hope one way or another, good things are to come this 2nd half of the year for both of us. I think we could both use some positives in our lives.

Things have continued to be interesting with H. I have continued to not text and really be less than responsive. Monday night he was trying to ask me questions about what he should get for his next tattoo (yuck!) Yesterday he texted me about a memory he thought of about us (It was a silly one about how one time we were at a hardware store, and we saw a possum walking thru the store). Then last night, after I mention something about his tattoo today, he suggests we have lunch today. By that point, I had already fallen asleep, so didn't respond last night, and then didn't respond about the lunch question when I saw the text this morning either (so no lunch w/ him today - good!). I'm afraid at some point, I'm going to push away too hard or too long and he'll turn away, but for now, it's weird that it actually seems to be working and he seems to be pursuing me. I guess that if he does turn away tho, I just have to take that for what it is. I don't want an R with an H who has an OW, so if he can't be that H, then I have to let him go (even tho I know that will be hard). =/

I'm trying to figure out a way to remind H that new OW3 is an OW and needs to be out NOW, without letting on that I'm still snooping on him. Snooping obviously doesn't go over well with him (or anybody for that matter), but on the other hand, if he's having an inappropriate R and continues with it, I'm entitled to know! He's just not appearing to get the graviety of the situation - it's either her (& any other OW) or me. Period! Grrr. So annoyed!

Interesting night yesterday - not sure what to make of it. For starters, H was supposed to come visit S yesterday but called MIL to say he was having a very down depressed day and wouldn't be coming (it was a gloomy day which never helps). I didn't hear from H all day either. Finally last night, I get a call from H (rarely calls, always texts) and he says how he wanted to call b/c texting takes too long (ok,that's new). We talked for a while and he told me about his newest addition to his tatto. He said since he had our family on the inside of his arm (not on purpose remind you, but how our birthstones + S's ended up together on his tattoo), so he added the birthstones of his parents on the outside (plus waves and stuff). Then somehow we started talking about us (I'm not sure how we got that direction), but I ended up asking if he had thought any more about us. You know the usual H reponses her - "I don't know", but then he starts this whole thing about how this is all not fair to me (yes, to ME! Since when did he start caring about my feelings???) Basically how this is not fair to me b/c he's all messed up and I'm having to deal with that, and how I'm having to "wait around for him" with no guarentee of a reconciliation, and lastly how it's unfair to me that if we don't work out, that he does not want any other guy in S's life (meaning to him, no other man for. Sorry, that's not the way it works!). He also mentioned that b/c I was able to leave before that I should be able to do what I want now. But anyways, I really don't know what to make of it all. Is it sincere? Manipulative? I don't know? I'm not sure I handled it like I wanted to exactly, but I just kind of said how our family is still my #1 priority and how understand he is still dealing with a lot of issues and am just trying to be here to support him while he works thru them. Oh, also interesting, he said how his followup sleep study is next month (august) and how at this point, he just wants to do whatever it takes to get better, including meds. If that's really true, that's quite a step for him. Now for him to follow thru with it all.

But then it goes back to us - what do I do about us now? He is obviously still talking with OW3 and it infuriates me. But on the other hand, he is making progress in other areas, so do I just ride it out for awhile and see if he ends it on his own??? I want to just tell him off about it since I've already mentioned it twice now and he continues to talk to her, and just say to him, "fine, it was her or me and you continue to have an R with her, so I'm out of your life now." But that would be the end. Grrr. I need to be smart about this, but I don't know how to proceed. I can't continue this with him being so disrespectful by him having this R, but do I exchange that for a hope of reconciliation? How can I get thru to him? He ask to come over for dinner tonight, so I'm going to have to think fast... =/

I would say pray about it and ask God to lead you and your words. I don't know what is the best. In my sitch, H said all those things to me, how it isn't fair to me and how he has messed up and I shouldn't have to wait, but since he left I can decide to go and file and there wouldn't be any hard feelings, etc. I have heard it all and I think that is the guilt talking.

H seems to not be drinking as much, or at least you don't mention it as much so maybe this now is his medicine of choice for the depression. Stroking his ego with OW. It isn't right by any means, but it still could be a symptom of the depression just like the alcohol, only this does a whole lot more damage.

I really have major advice but pray and do what you feel is best and don't second guess yourself. Remember to listen for the still small voice and the first one because I have been taught it is that voice that is God's. I hope all goes well and don't push anything unless you are ready. Do what is best for you.

Exactly! I was totally thinking of your sitch, Awest, when H was saying all those things about it all being "unfair". That is not H's normal mode of operation to be sensitive (i have only been attacked for the last 2 years), so I don't know if it was sincere or if he was just following this ususal cycle that these H's seem to take. We step back, they feel that they are losing control, they jump back in with the empathy words to regain our trust and their control. It's sad we have to be so jaded to all this and question every motive, but it is what they've made it. So I still don't know what all that was about, but I'm just letting it go for now.

I've definitely been praying like crazy, because I'm feeling so lost on what to do with this sitch. On one hand, I want to encourage H's progress on his own issues and be there for him next month as he does his follow up sleep study and possibly gets meds for his ADD and maybe anger issues, but on the other hand, I feel like I'm always waiting for the next these next deadlines (first the brainscan, then the sleep study, then the therapist, and finally the surgery - I'm always waiting for something). I'm obviously (& he knows this) the person who understands him and the sitch with his issues the best and am really the only one who understands what he's going thru. I just don't want him to give up when he's so close to the next step and I fear without my support, it won't happen. Some may say that it's not my problem, but it most definitely is when the life of our S is involved who I want to have half-way sane father and for my own life, his craziness and anger can be a little scary sometimes (obviously he's never laid a finger on me or threatened me in any way, but you never know, crazy people can snap). So bottom line, it is my problem, and he needs to follow thru on getting help.

So last night, H came over for dinner. When he saw me, he gave me a hug and I kind halfed hugged him back. His response, "see, you don't even like me anymore. Your hug tells it all". I just shrugged and then gave him a real hug. I was still trying to decided what to do about it all, but H was really making everything about me, so I thought I would take advantage of it for a change. I had thrown my back out last weekend while playing with S in the kiddie pool and have hardly been able to walk all week. H kept rubbing my back for me and then gave me a full on back massage after S went to bed. It was the best back rub ever and really helped losen up some of those knots. It's nice to finally have some attention on me after he's always so self-fish all the time. I'm going to try to let it play it out for the week and see what happens. But on the other hand, I'm going to have to keep an eye on the phone records tho, b/c if his R is continuing with OW3, then I just can't stand for that disrespect and will have to take a stand on it. But if I can see him continuing to draw closer to me and away from her, I'll let it ride out for a bit to see what happens. So yeah, definitely a tought place to be in right now. I feel a little like I'm at a Y right now trying to decide which way to choose (as forced by H's decisions)...hmmm...

Shoot! That jerk. I checked the phone records today to see what what up with his lovey-doveyness from yesterday. It just makes me so angry! OW3 texted him while he was at my house, but luckily he wasn't stupid enough to text her back in front of me. But boom, as soon as he left my house, he called her. Then another call an hour later. Not only that, she sent him 2 pic messages last night, so I can only imagine what that was all about. What a slut! I don't know what I'm going to say yet, but I'm going to have to say something. I don't want to end this seemingly loviness towards me, but this is ridiculous! No ifs ands or buts - that is wrong! But why why why? GRRRR! Why does he insist on sabotaging us!?

He didn't end up coming over tonight b/c he was too tired, so I guess it will have to wait for now... He did call tho tonight & "talk" to S on the phone for a bit. It's hard b/c he's just being so nice now, but it's still no life that I want to have when an OW is involved. Scared to confront him, but I just can't live with the lies. =\ I just have to figure out the best way to do it...