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Hi angel -

Thanks for your response. I have actually been following your threads because we seem to be like minded in our pursuit - trying to stay loving through it all.

I did read the love dare and continue to read certain passages that help keep me centered. I pray to God daily for clarity. I guess for as many success stories there are using the "detach lovingly" there are stories where people on this forum did it for years and while they did improve themselves and are now content, their marriage did not make it. I guess I'm just in a negative space right now - focusing too much on things. H's OW is his ex-wife who lives one hour away and it is a PA/EA. He keeps me in total darkness regarding her. Sometimes I feel the only way I'm going to save the marriage is to ask him to leave and hope that by doing this, he will open his eyes. Other times I try to keep in mind "Carol" who is highlighted in the DR book -similar sitch as mine but she detached while her H was at home and he decided he wanted to work on the M after 6-7 months. My sitch has been going on for almost 4 months.

HI Barb,

Me too, I use Carol (and Dean, right) as my model. My H also is undergoing MLC so its such a similar story.
Having OW an hour away would drive me crazy, I agree.
If you asked H to go away, will you be able to handle the daily logistics of taking care of the kids, juggling different aspects of your life?
I remember one of the times that H seemd to change was when I told him that if not for the kids I would have agreed to an S already as I could not stand the pain anymore. It made him talk to me about OW and disclose that things were not going well for them, and my read into that was that he was trying to get me to stay. Of course it might have been cake eating.....

So - the decision has been made for me. Today, H went to see my father and basically told him that he was moving out after the holidays, that there was no chance for us, that he is not concerned with the consequences of leaving me and the children (he doesn't think there will be any) and that there is no hope for our relationship or for reconciliation - he also blamed me for most of our problems. My father called me after and then I confronted H later. He claimed he didn't tell my father anything that he hadn't already told me (not true). I asked if he was divorcing me or wanted a separation. He said he wanted a separation. I asked why not just divorce me if you have no hope? He said he never told my father he didn't have any hope. I asked if this he planned for this separation to be permanent. He said he didn't know. I asked if he was still contacting his ex-wife. He said he had been talking to her but that she had nothing to do with this - if she did, he would have just moved in with her (I don't buy this for a minute - he can't move in with her because her ex is suing her for his half of the house and there probably won't be a house in a few months for him to move into!).

I was disgusted, angry, hurt, beyond pained. I told him if I had my way, he would be out tomorrow. He said he still wanted to stay for the holidays because he didn't want to be remembered as the "dad who left during Christmas". I told him that this separation would mean that he had no guarantees I would be here if he chose to return - that my life would move forward with or without him. I reminded him that up until now, I had been the anchor for our ship but that now, the ship would be entering unchartered waters. He said he knew this. I told him he could no longer sleep in our bed - he then said he had only been doing it for comfort sake and that he would be fine sleeping on the couch. And that was it.

He called me about 30 minutes later, saying he was at a toy store and asking me my opinion on thing - as if the previous conversation meant nothing.

He went out to dinner with friends. The kids and I left before he got home from work and before his dinner - I couldn't stand to see his face.

So what do I do now?? How in the world do I co-exist for the next few weeks until he moves out? Do I just "pretend" and be nice? Do I pretend that I'm unconcerned with his leaving? Do I help him pack?

This hurts so much. I am sick for myself and for my children. They don't deserve this.

I'm so sorry Barb, I wish I could give you a hug, we need those so badly.

I think don't pretend - I would feel nauseous if I were you. Maybe move to a local hotel or something close by. Or just stay in a room with the kids when he is home.

My H also has talked to me about moving into our rental house after the holidays, for alone time. I just did not answer. Then he said he wanted to go fly to see OW this Sunday to settle everything - he said its bugging him.... I thought he ended it already last Nov.26. I think he really wants to know if OW would accept him. I just want to tell him that the moment he steps out of the house he should not come back.

At this point, I think this is what DR teached us - how to be strong. I keep thinking that maybe, I will be happier without him. Just talked to an officemate of mine who had been carrying the burden of her mariage for 8 yrs, then she got moved due to work, and had to leave her H at home in another city, and suddenly she found out how happy she could be without him!

I actually felt envious of her strength and courage.

At least Barb you could face the kids and say it was not you who destroyed the family.

Barb, just wanted to share this with you. I saw this in another post. When your anger has gone away, perhaps you can see yourself as the lighthouse....

Be the Lighthouse.

Your spouse is in huge conflict....

The good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

The competition we believe that exists with the OP is a shallow, empty reflection of God's light in this world....

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush.

Their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again and again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong....they do not like what they are doing....

Their actions towards you, the children, the OP and themselves keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions with real dept and truth.

All they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life....yet the filling is way to fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down, regardless of whom is next to them....

They are the living cliche of...no matter where you go to hide, there YOU are.

He or she is lost to themselves.

And you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home. Even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that.

You become the lighthouse. You fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary.

Just visualize yourself as a lighthouse.

You offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get. You invite them towards it, let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way.

They are untrustable right now, but you know that. So they can't hurt you right now. They will spend great energy to convince others differently, but you know better.

You show them the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions. Set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives, without love busting.

Offer alternatives that let them see the children, but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them. You fill the childrens lives with stability. They deserve it and need it more than anything else.

Do not discuss or power struggle with them on irrational movements. Seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly.

Your spouse is very lonely and sad right now, but that is OK. No one can stay very long in that chaos..it is wearisome to the soul..

And remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos and eventually they will see that you are the only one who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most.

Be the lighthouse...

Angel - Thank you for this - it has been a comfort to me since you posted it and I hope to be able to implement it.

That being said - this was one of our worst weekends ever. I can no longer handle the pressure of my H having an affair. My core is being ripped into shreds. I haven't been able to act as if - I haven't been able to not bring up his ex-wife. It is all-consuming and now I am blaming myself for the complete demise of our marriage because I have not been properly able to implement the DR techniques.

After H spoke with my father and made it more public than ever that he wanted out, things got even worse. While he was out to dinner with friends later that night, I was on the computer we share. There is an ipod application there and I decided to listen to music - and then I found a playlist he had made for his ex wife. It included our wedding song and songs associated with our courtship. And I lost it. I lost it badly. I called him and spewed vitriol. And then I called his ex-wife and confronted her. H came home and we talked - he told me he had created the playlist 4 months ago when he first moved out and that he did not hand-select the songs but rather created the list by shuffling the songs. Hard for me to believe. I stood in front of him, a ruined woman. A frightened animal backed into a corner - and I came out slashing. We somehow got through all of it but he again affirmed his need to move out - especially in light of my current "behavior". He went the next day to look at apartments but said he can't find anything he can afford. He will look into moving in with a friend who is renting a house.

Our children's b-day party was yesterday. Our friends and family were there. Shortly after our arrival at the party, my H came to me and said sarcastically " you know, your family is a class act". I asked him what had happened and he said he reached out to them to say hello and they were rude to him. I asked him why he would tell me this - that I didn't control their actions. He said he was sorry. And then I felt like a big piece of crap - I had asked my family that if they chose to come, that they be civil and not rude. Obviously they were unable to do this and actually made things worse for me. On the way home, he shared that his friends had asked if everything was okay and that he said no and he would be moving out after the holidays. I couldn't handle this truth - it is becoming more and more public and hence more and more real. And so I alternated between withdrawal and snapping at him. As usual, when I withdraw, he comes toward me - hugging me, trying to hold my hand. I just recoiled. After the kids went to bed, I just continued to feel cornered. When I am rejected, I start lashing out. I asked him one last time if he would please give us 6 more months. He said he didn't love me anymore, continued to say his ex-wife has nothing to do with this, that he is not happy here, that he feels like a horrible dad (he has been really, really hard on the kids and they are responding negatively to him now). But then he said that while he can't afford an apartment, he didn't want to commit to one anyway on the chance that we can work things out. He admitted that daily he questions what he is doing but then said that when I keep asking questions about the OW, when I snoop (which I haven't done in a couple of week - looking at the ipod was not snooping), when I continue to want to talk about the R, when I lash out at him, it just confirms to him that our marriage has little hope. And I can see his point. But I also have much empathy for me - how does a person really handle their spouse having an affair, their spouse rejecting them daily, their spouse putting their time, energy and love into another person but denying this is part of the problem.

Anyway - I'm feeling really bad about myself. Like I have failed and that I have done everything that DR says I shouldn't do - that I'm the reason he is leaving.

Barb, I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug. I know how you feel.
Please try to detach, I see you are very reactive, but I don't blame you. I think you still have a small opening there when you said he is still questioning. You know that your questioning about OW and your snooping pushes him away.
Do not look into his stuff anymore, do not snoop, do not talk about OW. I forced myself to do that at the height of my H involvement with OW. Call all your friends, confide in them, get into the car and cry by yourself, scream, talk to God. I did all that.
My H does not even try to hold me when I withdraw. He does not even show any softness for me. At least yours does. But he is still with me now, even after I told him to go. I implemented all those techniques and as a result, our household was calmer. It tore me apart to know he had an A and was in contact with OW all the time but as I detached, it affected me less (still bad, especially at times, but made me able to control).

So. Now - down to business. Any and all input appreciated.

H is definitely moving out after the first of the year (no specific date given). He shared that he can not afford an apartment but has found a room to rent from a friend of a friend. He said that it was better this way because if we did get back together, he would not be locked into a contract/lease. I continue to get mixed messages from him - the above being the perfect example. Says in one breath he has no hope and then says he doesn't want to get locked into a contract incase we reconcile.

I have been a DB flunky - this has been so difficult for me. What I have discovered is that try as I might, I am not someone who can hold my s**t together while my H is having an affair.

This past week, I have heard many of the typical lines most LBS's get "ILYBNILWYA" "If you had not done"X", I would have considered "Y" (staying, basically), "It's not about OW", etc.

I am scared of him leaving and am showing my fear via my words/actions. I need to buck up and get organized.

So my questions would be - how do I maintain my sanity and the peace in our home until he leaves? Anyone who has read my threads knows I am having a tough time letting go of physical touch - I wake up only to find myself spooning H, kissing him on the cheek when saying goodnight, etc.

What can I do to pique his interest/curiosity once he is gone? I know GAL for ME is key in all of this and I am more on track with this now.

Advice for projecting into the future? Part of me thinks he will regret leaving but I would love to just not think about this kind of thing anymore - how in the world do I know what he will and won't do/feel??

Thanks

You don't.

You can waste alot of time worrying about it though.

Time better spent on yourself.



If he wasn't having an affair everything would be better, and you could hold your stuff together...

Barb, that may or may not be true.

Try to keep the little things together, start small and build up from small successes.




Affirmation of your own answer?

Yes, GAL for you. But asking what would pique his interest in you...ins't really GALing for YOU.