Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Having a really hard time...

I offered to give her everything because I don't want it. To me it's like blood money to get a check for my marriage. Like she is buying me out of our vows. That's probably a dumb way to look at it but it's how I feel.

I'm not getting a lawyer. We don't have kids, if we did it would be a whole different matter.

I love my version of her

Hi What Next....it is amazing to me how we hear alot of the same things from our S on here. My W version was a little different than "I love my version of her" I was told..(you seem to like the idea of me more than the actual me)

Seems like alot of us are going through the same feelings, and not sure what to do next.

Okay, here's the 2x4. Are you fighting for your marriage or not? If you want it you have to fight for it. That includes showing that what you have together is worth something. All you're doing with the L is protecting yourself.

Giving her everything which may include your future wages is incredibly naive. Don't be surprised if she starts going after your retirement. You never know what the WAS is capable of doing. The L is just to protect what's yours and not whats joint. But hey that's your decision.

Yeah, I'm not too worried about it. Our net worth is probably around 100k. I have already moved out and taken what is mine. I don't have a 401k because I work contract and we live in a community property state so I'm pretty sure that she can't really come after what I have. I think she wants me to take our 3rd car which has a decent chunk of equity in it but whatever happens I'm not worried. Money is just money... I believe in me which is something that she stopped doing somewhere along the way.

If she takes the house and keeps her 401k that would be about the same as the equity we have in the 3rd car once it is paid off and she would keep all of our furniture and stuff pretty much.

Maybe I'm doing it all wrong but it seems like every time I fight with her over anything it just pushes her away so my 180 was to just concede to her that she is in control and can split things up according to her conscience.

"Maybe I'm doing it all wrong but it seems like every time I fight with her over anything it just pushes her away so my 180 was to just concede to her that she is in control and can split things up according to her conscience."

That's what you don't understand. You aren't "fighting" her. Okay so say she's in control. What do you have to offer that will make her want to stay with you?

Yeah, I have to admit... I'm really confused. At least right now I am giving her plenty of space because every time I contact her it back fires lol

Bond is right man. You have to protect yourself here. No offense, but to your W, you probably seem very weak... which you may be right now. It is your mind and body reacting to a horrible tragedy. But you have to realize that and stand up for yourself. EVERYTHING in your M is worth something... and I'm not just talking about objects. Show her that you are capable and willing to stand for yourself and your M.

I completely understand not wanting to rock the boat with W more. I am in the same position. Waiting for W to file D or LS papers. She brought it up the other night and this is how I handled it. I told her that I would not help her leave our M and our family by jointly filing for LS or D or by paying for the filing (wife is having $ problems). I told her that if she chose do it, that I would cooperate, but that I would be letting my attorney handle it. W got irritated that I have attorney on board and asked me why am I "going to try and screw her over". I said 'no, not trying to do that. I want to make sure that we are both treated fairly if D or LS takes place, that I want to separate myself from the process as much as possible, BC I DO NOT WANT DIVORCE AND DO NOT THINK IT IS THE RIGHT THING FOR US TO DO. MY CHOICE IS TO FIGHT FOR M.". I said this very nicely to her and left it at that.

Yeah I regret moving out for those reasons. But the physical assets are just not important to me. If we get divorced I'm going to feel much better about myself if I start new then I would taking a check. I will probably get the third car either way and that makes the difference in equity pretty negligible. When I moved out I took pretty much everything that had any sentimental value to me besides maybe the wedding album and I'm not sure what they will represent to me when this is all over. I kind of prefer that she have to figure out how to hide it from herself lol.

Well, just take care of yourself. And stand up for yourself when necessary. Your W will ultimately respect you for it. IMO.

"If we get divorced I'm going to feel much better about myself"

What do you mean by this? Are you saying that the divorce is going to make you feel like a better person? Why can't you do that now?