Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Is it really never too late?

Oy, where are the inspirational success stories? I'm responding to a post that says divorce busted in 2005 and I quit in 2011. Is Divorce Busting really a way to avoid divorce, or is it just a way to prolong the agony?

I am legally almost 11 years married, but my marriage ended in December of 2007 and my husband hasn't lived with me since June 2008. I spend my solitary time on the rollercoaster from bummed to miserable to despondent to suicidally hopeless and back. My coach encouraged me to back off (I learned the language of going dark from the boards) but I wimped out in March and asked him if I could take him out to lunch for his birthday. Since then we have started settling in to the kind of comfortable friendship I have with the couple other men I fell for before I met my husband. I had a moment of genuine happiness last spring when my lilies started blooming and it shocked me because I realized that I almost never feel that way anymore. But I still feel it when I'm in his presence - just content with the world.

I know I'm supposed to be getting a life. So I've spent the past three years tearing out my lawn and turning it into a big garden of flowers and vegetables. I lost thirty pounds and ran my first ever road race last summer. The school I helped found graduated 100% of its senior class and sent them all off to college, and I got a teaching award. By any standard except how I feel, I appear to be doing great, but I feel like I died three years ago and I've got another forty years to wait before my body gets the memo.

sometimes the answers are in front of us and we wrote them ourselves.

At some point you'll get sick & tired of feeling sick & tired. Some people have a bigger capacity for long term misery than others. Some are absurdly impatient.

You decide.

And if it's about hope and waiting that's not so hot. But if you are referring to actual DBing, well it sounds as if you have not given That approach much time.

And for reference point on time, see my signature block.

Like you, if you are honest, I was not miserable the whole time we were going thru our ordeal. Yes there was intense pain for a long long time but there were some laughs and hugs with my children and friends and family too....

The DBing seems relatively new to you. I'll read all of your posts before saying anymore.

Hang in there

Here are some of your quotes and my replies...

Do you need that devil-may-care attitude in order to be attractive again, or is a protective strategy for dealing with the fact that this divorce is not likely to be busted?

Answer: Both. It IS attractive to be around someone who has excess confidence and energy and an upbeat attitude of optimism and hope and LIKES life and what they do and who they are...it just IS and it attracts! Big Time...

But if it turns out that the marriage is over for good, ( &even spouses who really were excellent wives or husbands, get left), then they ARE better equipped for moving on that much faster and healing faster so yes, it helps to have that "protective strategy" either way. IMO
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where are the inspirational success stories? I'm responding to a post that says divorce busted in 2005 and I quit in 2011. Is Divorce Busting really a way to avoid divorce, or is it just a way to prolong the agony?

Mostly the first, and a little bit of the latter...but while I'm a div busted I don't see myself as "the inspirational" type.

There are others here but you must understand--for obvious reasons, (well, I think they're obvious) we "success stories" don't keep posting as much here.

We have our m's to "be in" and we don't want to jinx things sometimes...and we Do Not have the same level of pain/involvement to come here. So there's a screening out process that biases in favor of the misery...make sense?

Here's a gem of hope statistic-- 1/3 of divorces in my state (CA) don't end up ever being finalized. That's marriages where someone filed for divorce--and yet SOME of those very troubled "about to end" marriages, do reconcile.

And many that are troubled but don't file for div, end up staying together. And I have 2 family members who divorced their spouses only to remarry them years later. The 2nd time around was better, according to them. It happens.
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So sure, there's always hope. I DO credit DBing (and God) with saving our m. Yes I do. I/We had tried several counselors and approaches and h dragged me to some things he THOUGHT would agree with him. He gave up b/c they kept telling him he was acting "like a single man" etc. For me, that was bad news b/c I mostly heard that it was about HIM...which stinks b/c there's not a lot you can do with that. Sure, it helps the ego, at first, to hear you're great; he's not...but the inability to change anything makes that a lousy trade off.

That's why I always tell others that finding out THEY have "issues" is great news. YOU can work on YOU...but I think you get this already.

Only you can decide when enough is enough. But don't confuse "Standing" with standing still.

I DID come to a point at which I chose to detach, had to, and accept that the m was likely over.

I forced myself to see the upsides of being single (started out w/small things like renting chick flicks, not having the toilet seat left down, etc. and then got to the bigger things).

But mainly my motivation for this, AT FIRST, was to model this adaptability and good PMA, for my d's. I found my pain and anger were consuming ME, (not h) and I was not being present or there for them and they needed me...that had to stop. Maybe if I were alone I'd have said "screw it" and moved on faster OR given up faster...

(I think I would have moved on faster, but it would have been a divorce. And Maybe h would have called me later on...who knows?)

But I got tired of my pain anyhow, plus they needed me and I could not endure that level of misery much longer....and so, I faked it til I made it (gimmicky but it does work pretty well) and eventually, I really got excited about my new life, the choices I was making WITHOUT having to consider h's career or wants, for the first time in 25 years. My God, that was liberating and empowering.
My girls (son was at college) noticed my attitude shift. And my behavior changes...and

H noticed...and when he wanted back in, many many months into this, really 2 years, he was very clear. I did not have to wonder if he was sure.

Butby then, I was wondering what I wanted!!

Frankly, there were some big downsides to reconciling, (and that was assuming the best of the m!) Simply put, he's an MD in a grueling field, and in the military Reserves now, (after years of active duty had worn on me/us with all the moves)...

I am convinced, rightly or not, that the detaching I did and the real PMA of "hey, the single life won't suck for ME!!" attitude, shifted things.
I came to truly believe h was losing more than I was. I think he began to believe that too. IMO, that was key.



Still, You do raise a valid point. As much of a cheerleader for DBing as I am...

I do see people here, doing what appears to be, wasting their lives...

waiting for someone else to return, apologize, make them "right" in the debacle, and or to complete them. They seem unable to be happy on their own. **I always wonder what they were like before WAS came into their lives. MANY will say they were "never happy until" they met WAS and that's either wrong, factually, or terribly unhealthy. I want to say, "you never laughed hard with your friends, never had a good holiday before you met WAS? Really? Seriously??? How on earth would that person fall in love or be attracted to you if you were so miserable then??

These people are the ones who stay stuck, as if there's no such thing as free will, OR under the guise of "standing". Usually, maybe always, they are the ones who resist their own inner work the most. I think they are terrified that deep down they are not lovable and that they deserved to be left. So they stay sad and helpless, b/c then they are victims.

Sometimes they want to see their spouse become miserable b/c the WAS "Deserves" that, and their own happiness is SOLELY related to the misery index of their WAS...which is very sad. We create our happiness, and regardless of whether our WAS's regret things, or have a ball in their new life OR are miserable and YET do not want to come home...we have to go on.

Think about the military widows out there now. They don't curl up and die. If your h had died, how long would you guess it would take before you began to "see the sun" again? When I ask people this, they often say "oh well if they DIED I'd get over it faster b/c it's final..." But in reality, sometimes the difference is simply their ego. We all have had that feeling so it's not a judgement of mine. Just an observation.

For some, being right is more important than being happy.

But there are also the doormats who radiate their neediness that any rational person would flee from...and they repeat this behavior even when they have kids-- and we can only pray their children are not horribly scarred even more...
It's a tough line to draw, see or hold onto...

Hmm, as I write that I see how true that is and I have to think about it some more...

I don't know where you fit on this spectrum but you will come to know, I think. That's b/c From where I sit, you are not in the pathetic category, if that's what you need to hear. Is it?

What behaviors will change, if any, depending on your view of this?

Grebjack,
I don't have the success story you are looking for, I'm moving out of my home this weekend, but I think my son is attending the school in MA you helped start and he loves it. It's his first year there and it's really helped him socially and academically.

Just wanted to say thanks for putting in the effort for a new school that is making my son happy.

Today was a tough day. I had to run an errand that took me through a bunch of places I had only gone to with him. When our move here seemed like the first day of the rest of our lives instead of the last days of my marriage. My husband moves to Illinois tomorrow or Saturday, although it's not yet a permanent move and he has already agreed to my visiting. I suppose what I should be grateful for is that my tough days now mean a few tears and a lot of melancholy instead of hours and hours of sobbing or catatonia.