Sorry to read this news. As someone who has not settled or divorced as yet I think you are in the better position as this takes you out of limbo and provides you a way forward. Of course, it doesn't eliminate the pain and I am sorry for the hurt and anguish you are feeling.
I am so sorry to hear this. I know how you feel. You are a very strong lady and I have no doubt you will find the strength to do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
I have a funny/sad story to tell you about what happened when my H served me. My H had sent me an e-mail warning me that since I wouldn't sit down with him and agree to a D 2 months after he left, he was going to have me served. At that time my hours at the university were a bit variable (meetings, working at home, etc) and the process server tried to serve me at my workplace twice (H paid for the service each time). I got messages from my secretary each time telling me that some guy had tried to "leave something for me" and I was supposed to call him and set up a time to meet. (GAG crosses her eyes. ) So to put an end to this ridiculousness, I called the number the server had left. I got a recorded message saying that this phone was not in service. (GAG crosses her eyes again. ) Since I didn't want to be served while I was in the middle of lecturing, I called H on his cell phone, told him what happened, and told him that if he wanted to have me served he should send me the correct phone number for the process server so I could set up a time for him to serve me at home. H sounded giddy on the other end of the phone. (Little did he know what was in store for him. I don't think things turned out the way he planned........) It seemed very surreal to me, but then most of what we do through this process makes us feel as though we're having out of body experiences, doesn't it?
Now, regarding the question of the L, I STRONGLY advise you to have your own L. You need to have someone to look out for YOUR welfare and someone who knows the laws of your state. I understand your concern about not wanting to antagonize your H but we are talking about your future and your retirement here, Seeking. Certainly, your H will have no way of knowing if you go to a L for a consultation to find out about the laws of your state and your rights. This L can look at your H's proposal and tell you if it might be reasonable or if it is way off.
Did you ever read what I posted about a colleague/GF from work who had a D agreement prepared by a paralegal who represented both her and her H (they wanted to save money by not paying for two Ls). She moved out of the house because she was afraid for her safety. He continued to live in the house and was supposed to allow it to be shown for sale. The house was never put on the market. Her XH was uncooperative and 10 months later she is still living with some very kind relatives and the house has not even been listed, so she has not been able to buy her own place yet. After about 6 months she had to hire a L to petition to have the D re-opened. $20K and 10 months later she has a final agreement with her XH for him to buy out her interest in the house. She is awaiting payment. If her XH doesn't pay her what he agreed to she will have to pay a L again to pursue payment from him.
My point in telling you this story is to say that working through a single attorney doesn't necessarily save you money.
Sorry for being so opinionated on this but I don't want you to be taken advantage of. If you choose to continue DB'ing through this process, having your own L also makes it easier to DB. You can have your L convey all of your demands to H's L, allowing you to stay out of the middle of the active negotiations if you choose (of course you would be very active behind the scenes).
Hope this gives you some different perspectives on this issue.
It doesnt matter how detached you think you are or how prepared, it still hurts. It is the legal end of the life you knew.
Having said that, please go and see a lawyer on your own. You usually can get one free consultation and even if you have to pay for one second one, it really is best that you do that.
As someone whose h wants to give her nothing, it is good that your h wants to let you have the house.
Normally, though it differs state to state, you get half his retirement, half the house, and alimony because of the length of the marriage. You are also responsible for half of the debt accumulated during the course of the marriage.
As I said, it differs state to state. Make sure if you accept the offer for the house, that you can afford to carry it.
Hang in there, honey.
And try not to worry about making him mad. This is a business decision and one that could affect you for a long time.
GAG...I agree that SA should definitely consult with an L to have the L look over the papers and that it is easier to communicate thru a L than trying to negotiate with an MLCer!!!!
The story about your H trying to have you served is hilarious! Probably wasn't at the time!
SA...you've got some time...give yourself time to think and process....
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
The thing going through my head right now is that I'm wondering if H took so long to have me served because he was busy hiding assets.
I will consult a L when I get served just to make sure I'm being dealt with fairly. I'm not trying to save money by not getting one because H makes way more than I do and with NYS laws now he'll have to pay both attorney's fees.
The thing going through my head right now is that I'm wondering if H took so long to have me served because he was busy hiding assets.
If you need to you can hire a forensic accountant to investigate this.
In my state, as long as two people are M'ed, the W (or H) has legal access to their spouse's records. So for example, if your H had records locked in a cabinet, you can legally break in and access those records. I found this out when I was interviewing Ls to represent me.......FYI.
WCW thank you for the hug. Thank you for the info, GAG.
Does anyone know how long it takes to draw up D papers and get them sent out? Can it be done in a matter of days? Especially if one had visited the L early on and laid out the plan?
So sorry to hear about your recent upheaval. You've been so wise and patient with so many of us here. You led me here in the first place, and it's been my saving grace. ((HUGS))
First, as Brooklyn says, laws vary state to state. In my state, you can get a no fault D in 30 days. Just like it never happened. The more assets you have, the more difficult it becomes.
Dam* the cost and get yourself representation of your own. Cover all your bases. 37% of his pension? Why not 50%. Signing the house over to you? What a prince. Who's been keeping it up while he's been out and about? And part of his pension is not considered payment of alimoney, or maintainence as it is called in my state.
Finally, I'm sad for you because, like a loved one with terminal illness, you may know it is coming, but when it happens, it's still a punch in the gut. Leaves you breathless and in pain for awhile. Something you can never quite prepare for entirely.
Just do for yourself what you've reminded so many of us to do for ourselves. PROTECT YOURSELF. He's not sailing this ship. You don't take orders from him. See what your options are.
((MORE HUGS))
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
) So to put an end to this ridiculousness, I called the number the server had left. I got a recorded message saying that this phone was not in service. (GAG crosses her eyes again.