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I am journaling updates on my DB efforts. I'd really like to know what others think of what has happened with me over the past several days. Does it seem that I am making any progress at all?

Have I made mistakes?

Here are the updates/my journaling...

December 22nd...

W texts me to see if anyone would be at our house tomorrow so that she could pick up wrapping paper that she didn't take with her when she moves all of her stuff out. Why would she text me for this when she can easily go to walmart and buy wrapping paper for $2?

I told her that I would be home most of day and that my mom, who is visiting me, would be here too. I told her that I was going to drop some presents for my step son off at W's mom's house tomorrow and that I would just take the wrapping paper with me to drop off. Apparently that was not good enough for W bc she texts me that our house is still part her's and that she should be able to come by. I responded that the house is still "our's" but that it is my home, that she had chosen to move out. She reiterates that she would like to come by when no one is here, that she would appreciate the space to do so, and that "this isn't easy for me either". Again, I told her that I wasn't going to ask my mom to leave the house when I can easily take her stuff to her mom's. I was very cordial.

She responds by calling me a "selfish pr*ck" and that everything has to be my way. Also uses the "F u". I respond by asking her why she is being rude, that I didn't text her, am not bothering her, and am giving her what she wants... her space. She responds by saying "fine" that she probably has wrapping paper anyway, tells me not to act "smug", that my "life change" hasn't made me perfect, and finally to have a Merry xmas.

I ask her how I am being smug and tell her that my changes are for me, not her, or anyone else. I tell her that I am sorry that she is so angry and that I am trying not to bother her. I send her another text telling her that my xmas won't be as merry as usual bc I miss step son, miss putting his santa presents out the night before, and miss seeing him wake up on xmas morning. She responds by stating "You hated all of that sh*t". I respond "are you serious, I most definately do not!, I was the one who insisted that we do santa for step son 7 yrs ago. That is my favorite part of xmas"

Her response is "change is good, but not facing the fact that i'm how i am towards you as a result of the last 7 yrs is naive." then she texts me that she has to get some rest bc she has a long recording session tomorrow (she is a singer with a few bands).

I respond by asking her if I CAN ask her about the recording session? She responds with brief text telling me what band it is, that we can talk later, that she doesn't feel like it now. I tell her that I would like to hear about it whenever she feels comfortable talking to me. She responds that she's "not ready to by [my] friend but I wish you well" I respond "well, I wish you well too."

At this time, I was having another text conversation with a friend. The friend tells me that she has seen W's pic on FB and that she is beautiful. I responded to this by agreeing "yeah, she is beautiful" but accidentally sent it to W. W responds to it wanting to know who else I am texting, and asks if if my g/f. I apologize telling W that I accidentally sent text to her. She replies, "I hope that she's worth it. I plan to file for divorce soon just so you know goodnight."

I responded with the following: "Again, I am being civil.Why r u being rude. Even assuming that I am texting another woman, what boundary in our M am I crossing? If we have boundaries right now, I'd like to know. And regardless, I'm conducting myself like a married man, which I still am."

She responds: "We are finished. Just don't feed me your bs abaout making us work when u r obviously getting involved witt other women. I'm not an idiot."

I respond: "Don't make assumptions W. I am keeping myself busy and spending time with friends. But I am conducting myself as a married man."

She responds: "well, you can file for D with me to save time. I'm free tomorrow, Friday, and m-Th next week... you are deceitful and I cannot trust you. We will never work again. That is reality. Your text doesn't sound like you are conducting yourself as married man. I don't care. Do what you want, just stop playing your game with me. I'm moving on with my life."

My response: "I've told you before that I still love u and still think that we an have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I have not changed my mind on that. But I understand that you are not happy, that u don't feel happy or complete inside. U need to do what will make u happy. By my side, we can be partners and will share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team. but I won't stand in your way, but also won't help u leave this marriage or our family. I hope that u do find happiness u r looking for. go do what u need to do. You know where I will be."

She didn't reply.

December 23rd...

* W initiates contact via text - response to my last text from last night. Occurs at around 3 p.m. today. quoted text msg from W:

“You seem to think that just bc you’ve had this revelation that things can be ok. I’ve been trying for years and you have destroyed what I have tried to build.

You haven’t been honest. You lied about that b*tch Natalie. You’ve destroyed my trust in you that is not something that will come back. I was loyal to you.

I gave you everything and tried to build a life with you. Like a fool, I have been trying to prove to you for years that I was good enough for you.

I can’t believe anything you ever said to me and I am convinced that you were not faithful. You can’t fix that. You were wrong. We were never what I thought we were.

You cannot win me back. I am not a prize to be won. I was a woman who loved you , and wanted to be in your life and you took me for granted. You lost me.”

I did not reply to this text message... later this same evening (Dec 23rd)...

* I text FIL to see if I could bring SS’s presents over to he and MIL's house. He’s not home, calls MIL to see if I can come by bc SS is there. She tells him that W is on way over so I will have to wait. I text FIL about an hour later to see if W and SS have left. He texts me back that W is still there, but that she said to tell me to come over anyway.

I arrived. SS gives me big, long hug. Was there for about 45 minutes. mostly hung out with SS. W was pleasant.

W and I go outside to move presents from my car to her's. As walking out of house, She comments on my new clothes that, luckily, I was wearing when I got the go ahead to come over. She asks me if I have a g/f dressing me now. i ask her what she means, if she doesn’t like my new clothes. She says ‘no’ that she finds it odd that I am dressed stylish now that she is gone. comments how I never wear stylish jeans. We move presents. Somehow conversation transitions to the emails that she found on my email account. How I was unfaithful to her. I validate that I was wrong to engage in the email conversation, to keep emails, and not tell her that conversation occurred. I tell her that I was wrong. I know that. And I’m sorry. But that I can’t apologize for cheating bc I simply didn’t. never did. She says either way that she can’t trust me.

I explain who I was texting with last night when I accidentally sent wrong text to her. I tell her about my friend who is a woman, and who she is. W comments that there are so many women in my life who she knows nothing about, past and present. I told her that I am behaving as married man. she said something like she didn’t care but if I was telling her that and doing something different that it would be bs.

Much of conversation is hazy here. W says something about ‘so many things wrong with our relationship should have ended it long time ago’. I told her that I disagree. that I’ve done lots of reading and thousand of couples with way worse problems than our’s figure out how to make M work. tell her that I found different type of marriage counseling. referring, but not specifying, to MWD. She says that it still requires both people wanting to try, referring to fact that she is not interested in working on it. All I can do is agree. At some point she said that she doesn’t miss me bc her life is the same without me as it was with... referring to me not spending time with her.

I go back in house and hang out with SS for a while. At some point she says something about assuming that I’m going to be in Denver for Xmas b/c my mom is up visiting with me. I almost got impression taht she was considering telling me to stop by, but maybe I'm just making this up in my head. I tell her ‘no’, that we were driving to my hometown tomorrow.

I help SS take things out to car so that he and W can leave. I walk them out of house. Hug MIL. Hug SS goodbye. Tell W goodbye. She says “we’ll talk soon”. Thought that I saw look on her face like she was about to cry, but not sure.

Dec. 24th...

W calls me at around noon to see if my mom and I have already left for my hometown. she wants to pick up pan and few other things that she left. I tell her that I haven’t left. will text her and let her know when we leave.

W tells me that she is sad that she isn’t spending time with my mom bc she’s been here visiting with me so much. That she enjoys spending time with my mom. Tells me that no one from my side, friends or family, have called her since she left me. I explain that I have asked everyone to leave her alone bc I want to respect her request for space and time. I said that I heard that a couple of my friend's wives had called her. She says yes, but that she didn’t call them back bc she thought that I was talking ‘sh**t’ about her having an affair.

I said ‘no’ that I hadn’t told anyone that. She says, except for her family... referring to the day that I found OM’s number all over our phone records and freaked out. I explain that I was upset and that hopefully she can understand that. She says that I upset her family and caused a lot of problems. W and her sis have not spoken in weeks bc they think things that aren’t true. Bc I said things that are BS.

NOT SURE what she is referring to here. If she means that they think inappropriate relationship when in fact, just friends. Or, referring to things that I said about OM's character.

Memory of conversation hazy here bc subject is OM.

W refers to “hanging out” with OM... how that looked wrong to family so soon after her leaving me... but that shouldn’t be that weird bc she had really been single for long time since I was sleeping on couch for months...

I ended conversation bc I was starting to get annoyed... didn’t want to get into big conversation about OM bc scared to hear anymore and DB rules.

* I text W after my mom and I leave house so that she can go get stuff

* I get text from W a little while later after she had gone to the house:

W: “ wow. that was depressing. you never did need me. you just needed your mom. Glad she’s made it a home for you two.”

* I respond 3 hours later:

ME: “LOL... think she’s the one helping me dress stylish too? She’s enjoying her visiting with me. You never did know how much I needed you and loved you. .. Have a merry xmas W!”

* W immediately responds:

W: “It hurt to see my house no longer my house. I’m glad she’s taking care of you though. Merry Christmas (me).”

I didn’t respond

Dec 25th (xmas)...

*W texts me and my mom:


“wishing you peace and blessings and a very merry christmas"

*I responded:

ME: “You writing for Hallmark now?? J/k Thanks. I hope u have a merry xmas too. I’m happy SS liked his presents. I’m really sad I wasn’t there to seem him open them.”

*W responds:

W: “he liked all of them and didn’t complain. He of course loves the gifts from you and his dad. I couldn’t afford much so he got a book and legos from me.”

*I responded:

ME: “Well it sounds like he has had a really good xmas. I miss him though. I told (my daughter) that u said merry xmas and that u loved her when I spoke to her.”

*She responds:

W: “I’d like her number. I cried thinking about her the other day. Last year she was with me at the sound check for the gig I did Tuesday. I’d like to stay in touch.”

I resonded:

ME: “k”

*W sent same xmas greeting to my mom as to me

*they had short conversation - W said that she was sorry that she hadn’t seen my mom that she loved her maybe they could get together once my mom is back up there next week. That this is hard on everyone.

*My mom communicated that she wasn’t mad and that W didn’t need to feel uncomfortable talking to her. That she has been enjoying her time visiting with me even though I’m not there much.

No contact with W on Dec 26th or 27th

December 28th...

W initiates contact via text

W: I need to provide the credit union that I financed my car thru with a copy of my insurance policy. Do you have this?

Me (2 hours later): They’re probably looking for the policy declarations. I do have it, but it is at my office. Don’t plan on going there until Monday though.

W: I emailed insurance agent also. Thanks. I picked up my mail. Please let me know if htere are any bills or things that I need to be aware of

Me: Ok

W: Ins agent just emailed me. He took care of everything, so don’t worry about the copy of the policy. Thanks anyway. Do you have plans for NY’s? I’m working.

Me: Good. I do have plans for NY’s. Sorry to hear that you have to work. I know tht you don’t like to on NY’s Eve.

W: What r you doing? I took the show months ago. No big deal. Been singing a lot.

Me: Either going to a get together in Breck or staying here in denver and goin to 2 parties, one being R and M’s. Haven’t decided yet.

W: Cool. I’m glad you’re getting out and spending time with your friends for a change. I hope that is helping you. I know you’re struggling and I’m sorry for that.

Me (an hour later): FYI just got to BR (clothing store). They have a really good sale going on today only. 50% off already marked down stuff. Talk to you later.

W: Thanks. I’m broke and racked up that card on food, gas, etc. :-(

Me: Just thought I’d let you know. Just found out that the SL’s BR is closing for good.

W: When?

Me: Jan 8th is last day.

W: Dang. I bet they are having good sales. Lame.

Me: Yep.

W: Well have fun shopping. Feel free to leave new shoes and clothes for me in the mailbox! Haha!

I did not reply

Dec 29th...

W initiates text conversation:

W: Can u tell me how you make your spaghetti sauce? I bought the ingredients but would rather not jack it up.

Me: It’s a secret...

Me: I’m just kidding.. of course I will tell u. Are you doing it now? I was just on my way out the door.

W: No. I’m going to run errands. Maybe late tonight so the chicken doesn’t go bad. Leaving town in the morning and don’t want it all to go bad.

Me: Ok. I will try to remember to text or email u directions. If I can remember... It’s been so long since I cooked it.

W: Yeah... I know! I’m sure some basic directions will work. Thanks!

Couple hourse later I emailed her directions... told her to leave me some in mailbox with

W responded a couple of hours later by email - “Thank you. I’m sure it won’t be the same, but I will try.”

I didn’t reply

It's hard not to try and figure out what is going on in W's mind. From Dec 22-Dec 29th, I had contact with W 6 out of 8 days. All with her initiating the contact. She even allowed me to come to her mom's house while she was there. We had face to face contact that night. All of this after having VERY LITTLE contact at all the previous 4 weeks.

I have no idea what to think. I haven't heard from her today (Dec 30th) and don't expect to hear from her again until after the New Year's holiday. While I love it that I have actually been able to have conversations with her, even though they have been short, it makes detaching and dropping the rope so much more difficult than if I just didn't talk to her at all.

I just don't know what to think of it all. Any thoughts?

It's hard not to read into everything that W is doing and/or saying.

Seriously... I responded to Sandi's comment and posted a few updates almost 24 hours ago. I don't understand why it takes so long for my posts to be approved. Frustrating when you're trying to get advice and support and you have to wait days. things have generally changed by the time my posts appear.