You posted on Cas' thread that you were confused as to why your H used your work schedule as a reason why he no longer wanted to be married to you, especially when he married you knowing what it was like.
I married my H knowing he was a workaholic. I accepted that about him. Not to say that I wasn't lonely at times and just wanted to be with him. That's just the way it was. I was able to fill those times when he wasn't home with other things. I believe it's why I carry on that way now. I had my own life in addition to being married to H, and still do without him.
Could it be that that is the only thing your H could find to use as justification when the urge to run overpowered him?
Thank you for your perspective as someone who is M'ed to a workaholic.
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
Could it be that that is the only thing your H could find to use as justification when the urge to run overpowered him?
Yes, I agree with you. Since H didn't reconsider his D action when I quit my academic position (5 months post-bomb --- D wasn't final until 15 months post-bomb), it would appear that what you said is true. I think there is more though. After reading, thinking, and talking with Jody over the past 2 years I really think that H/XH uses socializing as his "drug" to treat his unresolved childhood loneliness --- to fill the void left when he wasn't able to attach with his mother in a healthy way. He seems to have a compulsion to schedule activities every day of the week. He is a "good guy" and typically gets lots of strokes from people. He gets cranky if he doesn't have something scheduled.
The tipping point for H/XH I think occurred when his BMF (a real estate agent) started working 60 hours/week and didn't have time to spend with H (BMF had only worked ~30-35 hr/wk before and was always available for fun). This happened about 6-8 months pre-bomb and I think H/XH didn't have the clarity of mind to realize what happened. At one point, a couple months before the bomb, H and I talked about this and I said "Is it possible that you're feeling off balance because BMF is working so much and you don't have someone to do things with like before?" H looked like a light bulb went on and said "Yes! Maybe that's it." But I think that BMF convinced him otherwise because later, H said he didn't think that was why he had been feeling down.
Wow GAG, your thoughts on socializing as a "drug" appears to describe my STBXH to a tee. I have been posting over in newcomers but think I may be dealing with an early MLC. He has always been approval seeking of his mother and father, his dad was a workaholic and to this day, he admits they don't really know him.
We had some really long chats before as he thinks I don't like his family but I have explained to him that I just didn't like that he couldn't be himself, in fact no one could be themselves in front of his family. We went on to have many discussions and at the end of it, he has told me he acts like who he needs to act like depending on the company he is in but he also doesn't know who he is anymore. It is painful to say the least, that everyone around sees this "great guy" and there is so much pain down deep.
Thanks for posting.
Me: 41 STBXH: 36 D: 11 S: 9 BOMB 12/2009 SEPARATED 5/2010 D SERVED BY ME 9/2010 FINAL D When I'm ready
