Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis H's MLC - finding compassion and forgiveness

SA has it so correct. Have NO expectations and be prepared for anything. One day of a good time by your h is NOT going to change anything or how he is proceeding. It will take many many many more of those good times for your h to long for the marriage back.

My best advice, don't slip back into old patterns. Keep those good days going. NO relationship talks. Just let your h see how fun you are to be with.

It took months and months of me being kind and treating my h like a good friend and then one day he called me out of the blue and asked me to meet him for dinner. I accepted. My h told our mc at the time that this was the best day he had with me in a long long time. We were in mc at the time, but when the counseling started my h said to the mc I am only here because Glam asked me and to be able to co-parent our children. Ouch that hurt, but at least he was attending.

I always had trouble though pushing the R talks and then stating how I was realing feeling to my h. Not a good thing and every time pushed him straight back into the tunnel. In many ways, I hampered his return. I was good about laying on the guilt. As I reflect back, it was NOT good but I am human and wanted so badly for my h to know what he was doing was wrong. They already know, we don't need to remind them.

My h was also severly depressed and was taking AD's. I thought he was going to take them and then miraculously come home. NOT! He quit taking them over a year ago and has resorted to diet, fitness, and natural herbs today instead. He is finally progressing in the right direction and his depression is managable at least.

Great job Mila. Now, can you do it again and again and again?

Mila,

VERY glad you had a good day with your H. It sounds as though the connection between you and H is still strong --- it has weathered a lot! We all need to know that there is still a connection there as we make decisions about how we will choose to move forward. You are doing VERY well! I'm giving you a GIANT gold star for how you conducted yourself yesterday.

Glamgirl, thanks for sharing your experience. It really helps all of us to see what movement toward reconciliation looks like, even though we can't allow ourselves to have any expectations.

GAG

That comment was absolutely delicious. I am glad you had a good evening visiting with H's dad. Great way to start a weekend.

Thank you Sa, Punkin, Glam, GAG & BM

Thank you everyone for your encouragement and your positive words...I truly appreciate it. Again and again I marvel at how fortunate I'm to have this support...you are a blessing to me... all of you (((hug all)))

SA - you guessed it...H is back in his tunnel....not a word from him since Friday.

Punkin - I wonder if the OW knows that he spent pretty much the whole Friday with me....I wonder....it's easier for him not to tell her things, or only his version when she is in another town...

CW - (((hugs)))

Glam - thank you for sharing you experiences....I know that everyone is different, but it's still so good to get advice as to what your experience was. Interesting you mentioned the MC and your H's reaction to it. In my case H brought up MC recently again, that we should go...not to work on our R but to "communicate" better...

I did go through the anger stage as well and I too was probably adding to his guilt, just having to talk about business and the financial consequences of our separation...not always in calm manner.

GAG - I'm really confused by H's behavior....when we have such a good time together it feels that he still must have feelings for me, but the again, he has become a skilled lair and he could just be putting on a show and using me just to have me come and see his dad with him, because it would make his dad happy.

Being - Thanks sweetie...didn't regret saying that to him...and I did have a great weekend. My GF came over on Saturday night and we drank wine, ate too much and yapped all night. On Sunday I finally went Xmas shopping....

Mila,

It's getting easier and easier, isn't it? And that in itself is sort of scary. I hope the next time I have to interact with my H, I have the same poise you did. He usually sets me off. If he is truly back in his tunnel, then see it as a job well done. You scared the rabbit. Until the rabbit can become the fox, he belongs in a tunnel. Quaking in fear. Nice analogy, don't you think?

Have a good day.

Mila,

I could be way off here, but IMO I think your H's feelings for you are what is confusing him. He's back in the tunnel processing the day you spent together.

He may also be thinking about the comment you made at the end of the evening. This is all mind reading of course, and I get to think about it rationally (I hope), but after spending a wonderful day with you and then hearing at the end of it that I may never get to do that again because of the choices I've made, it would certainly give me something to think about. Your H may be thinking about the possibility that you are moving on and not just sitting there waiting for him...

(((Hugs))) and have a great day!

"communicate" better... Oh my gosh Mila I think those were my h's exact words too about MC. You might want to reconsider going. You just don't know where it could lead to.

If you do go, be prepared for all the negative, have no expectations and you might hear things you don't want to hear. I remember once running and I mean running to my car after counseling (we always drove separate cars) and just breaking down crying. My h had said to the MC "I don't ever see myself going back to the marriage". Well fast forward to today.......

My h was in MC to better communicate with me. I was there for reconciliation. We were on 2 different pages and our minds were worlds apart. Ha Ha Ha, but look how that has changed now!

Anything is possible! You just have to believe and allow God to guide your life now.

Keep telling yourself your h is confused! He can't decide what direction to take and the fog hasn't cleared to give him a clear path.

Mila,

When H/XH first dropped the bomb, a psychologist colleague/friend of mine said that research has shown that the prognosis for saving a M is better if two people can be in therapy together, regardless of how that therapy is directed. A skilled therapist can help the mentally unhealthy spouse to "discover" ways in which they contributed to their marital problems. I suspect in your H's case, the therapist will be able to figure out pretty quickly that your H is depressed and find a way to address that. ..........The problem is finding a good therapist and a pro-M therapist.

Glamgirl's personal experience is an encouraging example. I suspect that if you go to therapy with H, there will be backlash from OW.

GAG

GAG interesting you mention this "the therapist will be able to figure out pretty quickly that your H is depressed and find a way to address that"

That is exactly what happened in my case. Much of the conversations were focused on h's depression. The therapist suggested AD's and after about 6 months of talking about them h finally decided to see a Dr. and he prescribed the AD's.

I did research a pro-marriage therapist. GAG is right that is critical to success as well.

Thanks glamgirl!

Mila, if I remember correctly I think you know of a pro-M psychologist.....Not sure if I'm remembering that correctly.

For folks in the U.S., here is a link for pro-M therapists by state:
www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com/. Please note the screening questions at the bottom of the page.

Bill Doherty is a professor at my local university. Pretty sure I read somewhere that he has a professional friendship with MWD.

GAG