My only thought is that the logic seems flawed to me. If she's treating you poorly, if she is wanting you to leave, it sounds to me like she's wanting you out of her life.
I don't see the logical leap to "If you don't leave you have no chance." Seems to me that you could make the same argument based on her behavior whether you stay OR leave.
On the other hand...
If the home is not an owned possession (I can't recall if you mentioned), there is little to be giving up. You have no children so custody issues are non-existent.
I guess to me it seems like a push.
Just don't associate your decision with an expected return to civility on her part. Chances are that if and when you leave, your contact will vanish.
Staying keeps some contact and requires HER to pursue this life change that SHE wants. Leaving perhaps decreases the immediate pressure between the two of you, saves you from a verbal attack, but probably also increases the likelihood that you don't see her again unless a legal action takes place.
Think it out. Ultimately you have to decide. Don't decide by guessing which one will make her happier. Decide based on which is best for you.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
The logic is that my WAW is harboring such negative opinions of me that only missing me will break it. BUT... Even with all the vitriol, we have had good times and civil conversations. She still relies on me for some things. Wanting me to leave is tied in many ways to wanting to play the field. Backing off has helped but I do fear what could come.
Bill, I want to go home. Thanks for the clarity. I plan to start my life over in my apt in New York. Thanks. CUB
I don't know what she wanted entirely. On Oct 31 we had a date, but she started crying and over dinner told me that she DIDN'T WANT ME. I was the wrong kind of guy... that she could only be in love with someone who met extremely specific criteria that I do not meet.
Nothing has been the same since. I paniced and exposed her; her mom came to visit for a few days. They had a good time but her mom urged her to seek therapy, which she still refuses to do. After her mom left she told me she would never trust me again.
I left town for 9 days a couple of days after her mom left. As the train was leaving, she called and asked if we could meet for coffee.
Obviously not... and we never talked about things. So last night, she said as I was going to bed, "I guess were're never going to talk?"
All of our relationship talks have been disasters, and we are worse off now than ever. We still have good conversation and had been watching TV, but that does not mean she likes it.
Right now you are scared and boy do I know that feeling. Your walking on eggshells. You are looking at everything YOU do, everything you say. You are trying so hard to save this M and for this I raise my hat off ot you. You may not be ready to hear this right now but I'm gonna say it anyway....
In order to save your M, you must let the old one DIE. You must let her go. It will be hardest thing that you will do BUT one that just may give you the best chance to save your M. Let her go Cub.
Let me ask you a few questions....
What type of man were you when you met your W?
What type of womena di did you want in your life when you were single?
Are you afraid that you cannot make it in the big city without W's income?
Did you date a lot before you met and married your W?
I guess my point in all of this is, who the hell is Cub outside of his M. Who is Cub when the rubber meets the road, when the chips are stacked against him?
Cub - you mentioned that you live in Manhattan (were I was born and raised). There are a lot of things to do in the city (both on the east and west sides), my advice it keep yourself really busy buddy and I mean really busy. You will want to think about your W all day, you will want to question everything you say or do. Stop it! Just be YOU. Be the person that you feel comfortable with. Be the man that you always aspired to be.
As for the conversation, I be very careful, it just may be one of these "I need time and space" discussions or a "when should consider separating". If it ends up being one of these - DO NOT PANIC. Keep your answers short and sweet and validate her as best you can. Then go for a walk, breath the fresh air, look up and thank God for what you do have. DO NOT BEG or PLEAD. NOPE. It ain't gonna work. Just feel the feeling that may come over your.
Your M does NOT define YOU.
I leave you with this....
You love her...this much I can see in your post.
You want her
You want this M
If you do, then let her go and really go find Cub.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
My W and I are two peas in a pod. A (formerly) happy and attractive 30 something couple that dated badly. I was worse off though-she literally is the only person I ever had a steady relationship with. I think she had one or two boyfriends earlier. First MC basically wrote off our marriage because we were young by Manhattan standards when we married: 24 and 20 (!).
Who was I? A big fish in a small West Virginia pond. Someone who knew how to get out and go places, with great grades, personality, and moral compass. I am trying to find him again as fast as I can.
I wonder if I was always just a ticket out.
And I got run over several times over the years since we married. By her, by the school system's decisions that made my job hard or impossible, and in my efforts to build my conducting career. Without even questioning it I made sacrifices to help her out. In the 12 years that we were in Baltimore-Washington her star rose, mine did not so much fade as simply become more behind the scenes. She no longer feels I can be a viable partner for her because she is performing at Lincoln Center every week, and I am finishing a doctoral degree that has no guarantees attached. (She denies that by the way...) And I have not made friends outside of our relationship in a long time. She resents that; the truth is that I could never bond with my co workers because I was just too different.
I was too forgiving, too willing to spoil her, too attached to her. It was a weakness from the beginning and I have to relearn it.
I am getting out more. Since my time is split it has been very difficult to get out in NYC and have it have any meaning-I went to a museum Saturday and spent as much time at Church Sunday as I could. She started with a much better social infrastructure since she had been up there a lot last year while I worked in Balto-DC. I almost feel like we are now living two completely separate lives out of the same UWS apartment.
