JTB - Thank you so much for your reply. I have been trying for days to get on here to get some advice and a little support. Just reading the threads gives me some relief.
I do NOT plan on telling wife that I got the DB Coach. I am planning on just writing in a card... "no gift this year for obvious reasons. Got OUR MARRIAGE something this year. I will tell you what it is/was someday". And simply sign my name without the word "love". What do you think?
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Zen - I am sorry to hear that you are here. I would suggest reading Divorce Remedy by MWD if you have already read DB. I read DB first but found the DR is much more informative and specific. I will make sure to read your thread once it gets posted. It seems like there is a lot of good advice on this board. I too hope that we are all success stories in the end. I suppose that we will be... one way or the other
Thanks Denver. I would be open to reading DR. I was under the impression that DB was newer and more detailed in terms of MLC info which I need to be more educated. What are the diff's?
I don't know what happens to our spouses. It's erally true that it seems like they were abducted by aliens! Maybe that's what Area 51 is REALLY for!
Thanks for keeping an eye out for my post. It still isn't up and I can really use some guidance.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
Anyone know what they mean when they say 'lovingly detach'? I am trying to detach, which is very difficult, but to add the 'lovingly' to that idea makes it even more difficult... especially when you are having little to no contact with your WAW.
Hi Denver, welcome to the our community.
Well, she has physcially detached from the marital home,right? So, the way you detach will be emotionally,mostly.
The part that a lot of folks don't understand about detaching is that you show no negative attitudes towards your WAW. You don't act mad, treat her coldly, or ignore her as a way of paying her back.
You pull back. You stop any acts of pursuing. But, if you want to save your M, then you do these things with that in mind. It helps keep you on the right track.
The expression "lovingly" is more for the LBS to remember "why" he/she is pulling back and the attitude to keep. No spite,anger, revenge, etc.
I think you absolutly need to give your stepson the gifts you normally would. He's going through a bad time, too. I'm sure he feels insecure. It's great that you have that R with him. Have you decided how, when, or where you will give the gifts?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well, she has physcially detached from the marital home,right? So, the way you detach will be emotionally,mostly.
Yes. She moved out 3 1/2 weeks ago. I'm having a really difficult time detaching emotionally. It seems that if you do that, you also give up?
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
It's great that you have that R with him. Have you decided how, when, or where you will give the gifts?
thanks for responding Sandi. I am taking the gifts to his grandparents home and leaving them there for W to pick up.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Dettaching protects you emotionally from their BS. That is not that same thing as giving up.
i disagree. detaching is to protect you emotionally .. when you detach emotionally, you essentially lose any feeling for your spouse. which allows you to let go and move on without them. so yes, you are giving up on them.
but why not? why continue to be with someone who is no longer in love with you and doesn't even want to be with you?
The edit function might come back down the road who knows?
Dumped,
Quote:
why continue to be with someone who is no longer in love with you and doesn't even want to be with you?
Sadly, what? 50% of America agrees with that.
But your here.
We disagree on what dettaching means. For me it mean not buying into my wife's drama, deflecting her venom, not responding to attacks or rising to the bait, being nice and responding in kind when she was. Trying my best to be teflon but accountable when she wasn't nice.
I was responsible when she attacked me for my failings, but ignored her when her attacks were not valid.
Love can come back, as can feelings, and the want to be around someone, I proved to my wife that I was worth coming back to, and she in turn had to prove to me she was worth the chance I gave her.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
yes, but the outcome isn't good. well, it depends on how you look at it.
i had to detach to protect myself from the verbal/mental/emotional abuse. physically separating was needed because it does hurt to watch the person you let your guard down for .. mutilate you that way.
the time apart is used to work on yourself. i certainly did. i grew as a person. i am stronger in some areas. and i didn't try to find the person my h originally fell in love with. the person i am now is better than the original me. i'm wiser. and less tolerant.
which brings me to my next point. yes, you can deflect the WAS venom but at some point, eventually you get tired of even doing that .. you don't need that in your life because it's just negativity. i'm less tolerant of CB now.
eventually you wake up and say .. i deserve better than this. detach as your way of saying "i love you but i'm not in love with you."
