Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Don't know where I'm going, but I'm done here

Update: Just wanted to talk about a few developments and give my thoughts on the process.
Last night I was playing with my 14 month old in the kitchen and having quite fun time doing it. My other son was in the living room. I was also making dinner.
My wife came in the front door from getting stuff in the car. She kinda paused for a second then she looked at me and said '"I've been thinking maybe we could go back to sleeping in the same bed. Maybe I have been to rigid in my boundaries." I was floored. I mean totally speechless. So I slept there last night after giving it a good thought. I didn't want to agree without truly thinking about it.
Then today she text me to have lunch. We haven't had lunch in about a month and a half. In was fun to spend time w/o the kids.

I know the bed thing was a HUGE step for my wife. But I also 100% believe that she would not have brought it up if I had followed the DB process to the letter. (I had brought it up to her on Sat. night and it cause a minor fight). By contrast the lunch thing resulted from me following the DB process.

Which leads me to this thought. You have to believe 100% in what you are doing. I think many can spot "faking it" I know people here 100% believe in the DB process and that is great. When the follow it they are following it for themselves and the results will come.
There are a lot of things about the DB process that I 100% believe in too. Don't get me wrong. It has been a help. But I've also had the guidance of a great IC who I also believe in and an our marriage counselor is also great. A great support cast can't be understated.

Just a few thoughts and hopefully some positive vibes for the board. I know it can get depressing here sometimes, but we need a place to talk.

I don't know where this will go, but I believe we are headed in the right direction now. I feel the changes in me.

DB isn't just one thing. DB means changing your behavior, so even if you don't FEEL you were doing it or INTENTIONALLY doing DB, if you described the other 90% that you don't post (and most people don't really post all they are doing--it would take too much time anyway) it doesn't mean you weren't doing it.

But that's ok, whatever works for you.

You make a very very good point. Some people who are intentionally trying different DB 'techniques' feel they are being very fake because they aren't doing what was natural to them (what got them in this position in the first place)--and are just too stilted, so you either have to keep doing it until it flows (which is what I did) OR stop it and do something different, because, like your wife--your partner can usually tell. And they test you to see if your changes are for real. And if they aren't, it backfires.

Many folks go back to their old behaviors after their spouse comes back, and that backfires too.

So I'm glad you're having success.

Merry Christmas!

Holy Moses.

I don't know what to say here. Honestly, I see a lot people hurting here and I know that they are going through something very rough. Rougher than anything I've been hit with. But sometimes, you can get lucky and through a lot of work you can get to where you want to go.

8 weeks ago, my wife was fed up with my behavior and said she wanted a divorce. I was working my issues at the time but it almost felt like it was too little too late. We started to sleep in separate rooms.

6+ weeks ago, my wife was still thinking divorce as the only way out and moving out until that could be sorted out.

6 weeks ago, I found this site and ordered DB. I was starting some of the DB changes before the book i.e. backing off, not talking R, trying to do my own thing, being pleasant etc.

5 weeks ago, W was still intent on a physical separation. I tried to keep up with DBing, but it wasn't easy and I wasn't always successful.

4 weeks ago, she decided that she wanted to work on the marriage.

1 week ago, she decided that we could sleep in the same bed.

Then tonight. I was putting our son to bed and she tapped me on the knee when she was leaving and said, "Come talk to me when you are done." I had no idea what she wanted.

I put our son to bed and swallowed hard and went into the bedroom. She didn't say anything so I ask "was there something specific you wanted?" She then stunned me for the second time in a week. She said, "I was wondering if you wanted to start ML again."
Honestly, I didn't know what to think. Part of me wanted to say no just to put her off and sort through my reaction. So we talked about things. But the other part (that won) agreed to it. So we ML for the first time in like 9 weeks.

She was very affectionate. After ML was done, I was headed downstairs and she said the words I have not heard from her for a couple months. "I really love you." Is said ILY too. I don't know if it was the right decision (It felt right) and I don't know what the Vets would think.

So here I am. I know just because we ML, things aren't suddenly better, and we have a process in front of us. But things look a whole lot brighter.

I don't know why. It doesn't seem fair. People here have been hurting for years and hurting in ways I can't imagine. But then I come on here and in 8 weeks I've made so much progress. I think I was lucky that I found this place when I did. I thank God for that. I thank God my wife was not 100% sold on D. I thank God for my IC.

I wish I had advice or a magic formula. I don't. I don't even know if people want to see this type of story.
I worked hard at this and started before the D talk came. I adopted most of the DB principles, but I wasn't always successful with it. I had time and I always, always let my wife lead the R. I trusted what I was doing 100% even though it didn't always feel like it. Somehow that clicked for me.

When you say you adopted most of the DB principles, what exactly do you mean? What did you do?

Well maybe that's not the best way to put it. I think someone here has posted a list of do's and don'ts. I don't like lists ;-) I think people tend to get too caught up in the acronyms. I prefer to look at what I need to do rather than what I call it.


I think for me the biggest thing was 1. realizing that I couldn't change my wife, but I could change me. 2. I never thought that the M couldn't be saved.

You definitely don't need acronyms, and you certainly aren't obligated to say how you used any of the DB ideas, but I don't think by reading this anyone really can figure out what you did.

I know I have certainly gotten alot of advice from this forum and much of it has been "defensive" or hard line, which has all backfired and pushed WAW further away.

Of course my WAW is a super type-A personality and a real hot head. It would take a miracle for her to purseu me now, but I know God can bring about good out of any bad. Just what, I don't know.

Harrier, don't feel bad that things have turned around so soon for you. It is very inspiring for the rest of us. I for one have been anticipating a very, very long haul, possibly even going through a D. You're story is evidence that anything is possible.

A word of advice: continue to DB and don't backslide.

Happy New Year.