Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Running out of time

Let me offer you a different perspective on some things. As bad as it is to have to confront the divorce, and it looks like it may very well happen, isn't it almost worse to be up in the air? If he filed 2 years ago, you've been up in the air for a LONG time. Essentially you've been in this place of confusion because he put you there with HIS confusion. Every day you wake up and you just don't know what's coming. You think you know, you try to work to DB or prevent the divorce, but you just don't know. Anyone can say to you "relax in the not knowing" and "just sit back and let it happen" and yes, this is the best thing you can do, but doing it is incredibly tough because you care so much about fixing the marriage.

Well if things are coming to an end point of sorts--the divorce is finally going to play out, I honestly think you'll find some peace in that. It sounds strange, but at least it stops the wondering about WHAT will happen. It happens, you deal with it.

I guess I'm only saying this because I've been feeling for me like there is this snowball rolling and rolling and it's a snowball full of "not knowing" and once I hit acceptance of "yes, I'm going to be divorced and I am ok with that", I don't know, I felt like a weight lifted for me. It's not "the end." I still have a life. Who knows what will happen? Maybe my H will finally confront himself now that I'm entirely detached, maybe he won't. Maybe I'll find someone who will treat me with respect and not betray me. Maybe I'll just be here for friends and family now and maybe that's my "place" in the world. But at least that snowball stopped getting bigger and bigger.

I guess what I'm saying to you is I hear the urgency in your posts. I know it all too well. I know you think it's all falling apart. But it's not. In what you think is an end game are the seeds of your new life sprouting. You can't see them yet but they are there. You are posting here, you're connected to us and to your loved ones. You are surviving day to day. If you have to cry, then cry. Everyone understands. Don't say "I know I should be really detached and doing as well as all of you are", geez, we all fluctuate day to day. You are going to be detached when you are.

But understand that there is an enormous amount of your energy bound up in worry right now and no matter how much you worry, you can't change it all, and when it plays out as it's going to, and no one "knows" how it will play out, you're probably going to feel a little better because you'll know what the outcome is and you'll mobilize your strengths to deal with it.

This is an email I received from a friend of mine. I told her about this site and thought it would be good for her also. She never tried to Dbust. She filed for the divorce. So anyway I wanted to share her thoughts with the rest of everyone.

Wow - that's a lot to process in such a short amount of time. I'm sorry I didn't answer sooner. I've been busy with work before Christmas and traveling but most of all, this is such a doozy of an update, I wanted to be able say something more than just "wow".

It's obvious he still has feelings for you but he's fighting them for some reason. I've been going through the same thing and have never figured out to break through the "some reason". Should I have let things go just as they did so he wouldn't feel pressured? Should I have pursued and fought for him like a maniac so he's feel wanted? They are so messed up that I know which ever course I took (which was the first one), I'd be blamed because I didn't take the other. And I have been blamed in this way. But I know if I did the opposite, that would have been wrong too. They are really just looking for someone else to blame.

I think you are going to have to take to the point where a next milestone in the process is about to occur. Stay cool till then. Then you look him straight in the eye and say that you are at this milestone, which might be the last chance to call it off. Tell him calmly, firmly that you love him and you know with commitment on both your part that it can work. That you are willing to do whatever it takes, but now is the time to make the decision. Keep going and move forward apart or stop and move forward together. Be calm, be clear about your wishes and willingness. Tell him that if there are problems with his family, you will do what it takes to work those out too. Tell him he doesn't have to choose sides - he can have it all.

I realize now that I was in such emotional pain that I was unable to be calm and clear. I was just hurt, angry, truly non-functional and not thinking clearly. Don't let that kind of thing be in your way.

Let me know what else is new.

I just don't know what to do if H doesn't contact me before I send a proposal into my lawyer. I don't want H thinking I'm hiding something from him either. Do I contact him before I send it to my lawyer if I don't hear from H within the next week and 1/2?j

I know DBusting says NC, but in this case I would think I would have to.

How do I put it? What do I say to H?

G,
You have to do what your heart and mind are telling you to do. If you think that contacting him one more time and telling him how you feel and that you do not want a divorce, then do it...However, you must be prepared to hear that he may want to go through with the divorce no matter what you've said.
If you do contact him, make it the last communication and if he wants to contact you, he will.

Sometimes, the more you contact them, the more determined they are to run from us. The pressure of the contact, the sound of our voices, etc. is too much for them to bear. So, be prepared for anything at this point in time.

Thanks Snodderly. I'm going to wait and see if I hear from him. If I don't then I will contact him right before I need to hand it into my lawyer.

I was reading a long time ago about you sitch. You are D'd right? Did you also stand for your M?

G,
Please keep in mind that these mlcers will choose the path of least resistance. If you put too much pressure on him, he'll run as fast and as hard as he can...divorce being one way to get you to step back.

I hope that I am wrong, but I don't think your h will stop the divorce. If he wanted to do that, he would have done it a while ago. Sometimes, they are paralyzed and can't do a darn thing once the ball has started rolling down the hill. I think that in the back of their minds that if we get disgusted enough, we'll go ahead and do the work. That way they can say that they stalled or didn't do anything, but we pushed it ahead and made them do it. Again, projectng at its finest and putting the blame on us.

Yes, I am divorced. I believe in marriage, but there was far too much damage from my xh's mlc for me to ever consider taking him back even if he were to even ask.

Good luck!

I too am divorced and my XH is still going back and forth in and out of the tunnel. We ML everytime he comes up here, we have a great time, we are together as a family, and it is all great...then he goes back down to where he lives (700 miles away) and it is like it never happened, I freak out for awhile, texting and wanting more, he is in the tunnel, I leave him alone, he comes out and it all happens all over again...if I could just stop thinking "this time he is out for real and wants me to pursure him" then maybe he would be out for good, but I want it so bad, I screw it all up..don't make my mistake. And, don't think that a piece of paper ends it all and there is no hope at all.

I have made huge, huge mistakes in the last few weeks with XH, pushing him and he has gone so far back into the tunnel...! Leave him alone! Mine does a lot of what yours has done, pursues and then retreats, won't return texts, emails..I know he thinks I am pushing...he is in MLC...he is depressed and sick...has no sense of reality...he is a very messed up person. He blamed me again today for everything. I have had the same feelings as your friend in the email...I haven't known whether to give him what he said his "needs" were when we were working on the marriage post D-day or to leave him alone, I have done both and neither have worked, he just comes closer and then pulls away. It is awful and so very confusing, but don't let the technicality of a divorce scare you so much, it is just a piece of paper and if he is going to come out of this and come back to you that piece of paper will make no difference. My divorce attorney told me that she has had 5 people re-marry that she did divorces for and she had only been doing it a few years! Hang in there, take care of you and your kids! And, from experience...leave him alone, I really feel if the last few weeks I had done this, we might be having an awesome Christmas together instead of the strained one we will have with no ML or anything cause I have pushed so much he has run deeper into the tunnel than ever!!
And, I totally agree with Snodderly, the more you contact them the more they run, at least that has been my experience...mine even said to me today "do you cut and paste, cause you say the same things over and over and I just don't read it anymore" I guess I am insane, cause I just keep doing it, but I just think "this time he is going to get it"!! Then, I go a few months and am fine, don't contact him and that is when he starts out of the tunnel and is texting me "good-night beautiful"...when will I ever learn??? Don't make my mistakes!!

A

G,
When you aren't sure what to do...do absolutely nothing...sit quietly and patiently and the answers will come.

A and Snodderly, thank you so much for the advice. I'm not going to contact him and just hope and pray he contacts me. I don't want to be alone for Christmas so I know to keep expectations at 0 but what I wouldn't do to spend some time with H. He told me last Wed that he spent the last 2 Christmases alone and my tongue hurt so bad from biting it. I thought WTH? You had our D14 and your 2 sons. I was the one that was alone. D14 was with you and S20 went to girlfriends and I sat all by myself. So I was really thinking that H was coming out of the fog.

I might have to hit submit and make this into a couple replies since my computer is acting up and just shuts down on its own. I already typed all of this and lost it.

The reason I thought H was coming out of the fog was because he actually walked D14 right up to the door on Sat. and he has never done that. Saying to her, I just want to make sure mom is home. She told him that my car was in the driveway and if I wasn't not to worry cause S20 was home and he did it anyway. Then he said to her, watch I'm going to scare mom. And he did, I thought it was our D but it was him. He banged on the window behind the couch where I sit.

Then just enough time goes by for him to get home and he calls and asks me out. He told me time and time again that he will never come into our home again, ask me out, and will not contact me.

So, the last couple of weeks I was getting very excited. I know that it a BIG no no here. But he even told his mother's side of his family that I stopped down at his place to talk. He switched it around but I don't care what they think. D14 said first he was crying to his oldest brother saying that he loved their Dad then he said Lost came down to talk too. The brother just looked at him when he said about their Dad like WTH? See, none of H's siblings talk to their Dad since they were old enough to decide whether they wanted to see him or not. So I asked D14 if she knew if Pop was sick or something and she said not that she knew of, and then when H said about me being at his house all the kids got sent upstairs.

So I thought to myself, I bet they gave it to him. He hasn't spoke to his mother's side in over 13 years cause they were having a fit cause H wanted to adopt my S that was only 4 at the time. Now remember these 2 meaning his mother and sister are the ones that pushed me into marrying H. I didn't want to go down that road again yet in my life. I guess they thought once we got married I would just leave son somewhere.......they don't like any children that aren't blood related. So anyway, H told them both off and didn't speak to them until we were separated around a year. So I know they hate me and blame me for that part but H is the one. I told him not to do anything about it and just let it go but he wouldn't listen.

So when H called on Sat night after dropping D14 off I thought maybe it didn't go as bad as I thought with his family. I did tell H last Wed. when we were talking that I would talk to them if they were willing to talk to me. So I don't know if that's why he brought it up to them or what. And as far as him crying about his father I have NO clue about that either. I thought maybe he told them too that I was there and we were talking or maybe they went by H's place and saw my car and now his father is also mad. I can understand why his father and step-mother would be mad because I know of some of the lies that H told them about me so he wouldn't look like the bad guy.