Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Running out of time

G,
I think you have to be extremely cautious and not read too much into what transpired over the weekend. Yes, you spent some time w/him, but if you noticed...when you texted him a couple of times, he did not respond. It's called the dance. Once they rope you back into the dance, they drop you for a while. I would keep my expectations at zero and not look for him to return to reality for a while. He's still very confused and if he's not comprehending what you are telling him about the divorce, then that says it all. Maybe he doesn't want to appear to be the bad guy here and is hoping that you'll go ahead and file...no one knows for sure. However, if you are not sure about it yourself, you can request a postponement, if you are the one that filed.

I would follow my lawyer's advice and get all of the paperwork ready to go. Holidays are a difficult time for all of us, but more so for the mlcer. I would continue moving forward and living my life as if he may not return. Do not call him again...allow him to come to you.

If he is still blaming me for his depression and pain then why is he saying he doesn't know if he wants the D or not? And why would he even bother with me as far as asking me to go out and things?

That's where I'm confused.

I agree with both of you as far as him thinking that his pain will go away, I think he thought that when he left and I also think he thought that when he filed 2 years ago for a D. He was mean and nasty, didn't contact me only to argue every couple of months.

But it just seems to me now that it has gotten to the point of the D going to go through unless he is the one to stop it, he seems to be coming out of the fog a little. He told his family that we were talking (big step), he probably hid it from them for a long time. And then his boys know that we went out the other night and that was something after the first year of separation that he said he would never ever do is go out with me again.

I really thought these were steps (baby steps) with him coming out of the fog, oh and he also was bringing up the good times when we talked instead like before he would only talk about the bad times. He even asked me where I would like to go on a vacation Wednesday night. He didn't say anything after I answered him but it seemed like he was finally wondering what I wanted after 2 years of him living his life like he wanted and I got stuck with all of the bills, kids, working 2 jobs, the house...everything.

He was even showing signs of jealousy for the first time again in 2 years.

So I guess I was wrong that the fog isn't lifting and he isn't coming around slowly. UGH

Good,
When a person is in depression, their view of reality is all screwed up. They don't know what they want except for the pain to go away. Your h is a very confused individual and appears to be bouncing all over the place. Him asking you where you would like to go on vacation, well....it's just a safe topic of conversation....doesn't mean he'll want to go with you.

Some these individuals will appear to be coming out of the fog and the minute there is any type of pressure (or appears to be pressure to them) will go right back into the hole. I will be surprised if he stops the proceedings....sometimes divorcing is the only way to move forward for them. It takes the pressure off of them and it also makes us step back a notch or two.

My advice would be to sit tight and do not contact him. Get your documents together and if for some unknown reason he comes to his senses and stops the proceedings....we will all breathe a sign of relief. However, from what I have read of your posting, he still very confused about what he wants.

GF,

I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said. I know how hard it must be to be in your position, wanting to and knowing better. For your own sake, and in your own best interest, I think (FWIW) that you shouldn't allow him to put you in that sort of position again. You know your vulnerability. So does he. It's just roping you back in.

Take care of #1. ((HUGS))

GF interesting situation that you have going on. First of all, I would stop reading anything into what your h is or is not doing, saying etc. All you CAN do is live your life for yourself right now. You really don't have a perspective of their minds during this confusion and what you think it is, is probably way off from actuality. It was for me!

Your h is confused period. He doesn't know which way he wants HIS life to go, hence the confusion of the pending divorce or ML to you, inviting you over etc. Depression is a terrible thing and you just really don't know what is going on in the mind of a depressed person.

It seems you have a good time with your h when you are together and I would just continue to capitalize on that when you have the opportunity, but without the sarcasm.

My h and I had date night, ML on a regular basis, took showers together, celebrated our anniversaries, birthdays, etc, but this went on for years before he decided to come home. It took him that long to decide home was where he really wanted to be. So you see it doesn't neccesarily translate into reconciliation or coming home. Now I allowed this, but that was me and how I wanted to approach things. Afterall, we were still married and my h was lying about ow all along.

I have no advice on divorce, but sounds like your lawyer gave you some good advice. I hear you about time running out, but this is something you CAN'T control and the more you push your h the more he will feel pressure to act. Let it be and see how the future unfolds.

Try not to jump so far into the future and nuture what you do have or the time you do get with your h. The financial mess will happen and we do live in a world of options today. Should you have the opportunity to explore this, you and your h can figure it out together. I am a strong believer in when one door closes another will open.

Breath, relax and have fun with whatever comes your way.

He even asked me where I would like to go on a vacation Wednesday night.

This is also an interesting comment from your h. My h all the time would say things into the future like Glam I am going to take you and the kids to ....... or we are going to buy this car.......... This kind of talk was common place for my h.

Left me very confused, since I wanted to really say right you don't even live with me and the kids and were are going to vaction where. I always responded with something like that sounds so wonderful h can't wait. I do believe in my h's mind he really wanted to do those things, but his depression was so deep it kept him from even doing the basics first by coming home. Afterall, when he did finally come home he slept 18-20 hours a day the first 2 months. It was like I was living with a zombie.

GF,

I can only reiterate the good advice you've been given. Breathe. Listen to your lawyer. Let him call you.

We all understand the confusion and the panic of feeling like it's almost "over". The best thng you can do for yourself is to stand back from all of that. It's hard to do nothing. It's natural to want some kind of conclusion, but if you can be still and really evaluate where you are, where you want to be and how to get there, it takes the focus (and the pressure) off him and you feel so much better about [i/][i]your[i/][i] life.

My H has gone on several vacations with us and still hasn't come home, so that isn't indicative of anything except that your getting your hopes up (sorry). I understand. I also know there is nothing you can do.

If I may offer you this, even though you are dealing with a D and I am not, my H [b/][i/]emotionally divorced'b][i] me before he left. In his mind that is more real than anything legal. Just sayin', you have to be patient and remember:

Patience is a virtue
Virtue is a grace and
Grace is a little girl who wouldn't wash her face

HUGS

^^^
My H did the same thing. The paperwork is scarry, but the real challenge is there.

Lots of good advice here. Hard to follow, but good advice.
(((hugs)))

Snodderly, I wish I could postpone the divorce but H is the one that filed 2 years ago it will be in Jan.

My lawyer told me that H would have to have his lawyer write a letter to mine saying that he wants to put it on hold for now.

I would like to thank everyone for the advice. I'm having a really bad day today, and last night I couldn't sleep. Just kept thinking over and over again about the D. H thinks that it is just a meeting on the 15th but it's not. If I don't send my proposal into my lawyer by the 7th since I contested the D H's lawyer will assign a Master from what my lawyer said and it will cost around $3000 each. And neither one of us have that kind of money.

I'm just so scared and don't even know where to begin. I guess I was in denial about the divorce ever going through. And I need to sell our home if that's what is going to take place. Because of the spousal support just starting on the 1st and ending when the divorce is final I won't be able to afford anything. I was getting money for waving my benefits at work at that's how I was living. And when H told me he was dropping me because of how much they went up I had no choice but to take him for spousal. Never in a million years did I think H's lawyer would bring up the divorce at the hearing for spousal.

I guess she is looking to push the divorce really fast now so this way H won't have to pay spousal for long at all.

I know I should be really detached by now and doing as well as all of you are but I'm not. After I read everyone's response I'm sitting here in tears at work.

Thanks again everyone.

Another thing I'm afraid of is that since H has comprehension problems that aren't only from the depression he has learning issues also is that when my lawyer sends in my proposal if H doesn't contact me by then, he will feel pressured and be angry as hell that I didn't tell him that I had to do this and it was his lawyer that wanted this done.