Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Working on acceptance and forgiveness

Thanks IB, Beatrice, TAMF and Punkin. I guess the main reason I feel I need to drop the rope is that in 6 months plus, not once has he wavered on the decision to divorce. It was only 3 days after he left and owned up to the OW that he said "I'm filing for divorce", and there is not one shred of evidence in all this time to suggest he was confused about that decision or wavering or wondering if it was what he wanted. Sure I don't know what's in his head, but the only indications I've ever gotten from him about his "path" have been that he is 100% sure. Last night I looked back at all the text messages from the past 6 months, and when I see things like this, "The truth is that I was attracted to her and my resolve was weak because of our marital problems", or, "Sorry it had to be this way, but you, Antonia, have to move on", or "I'm just not the right person for you but I'm the right person for her" or "I'm not pretending anymore, this is who I am", I think, my god, I wouldn't even be FRIENDS with someone like this. I just think that unlike some on this board whose WAS's are still showing signs of affection or love or even interest in them, even if they show it and then pull back, in my case, there is ZERO interest, affection, or love from his end. Only this unbelievable determination to prove to the world that what he did was right.

I just feel like it is pointless to hold on to the rope anymore. I really think he is one of the people MWD talks about, the "rare case person" who has "firmly let go of the marriage."

I'd just like to say that "dropping the rope" and giving up are not synonomous. "Dropping the rope", "letting go", "setting them free" ... whatever wording you use ... does not have to mean giving up. It means go live your life, let them live theirs.

The difference between moving forward and moving on seems to be the involvement of another person on the LBS's part. Getting into a relationship or even seeking one out because of something your WAS has done or isn't doing, does not bode well. It's reactive. Make your decisions based on what is true to YOU.

My advice would be to not go seeking alternate romantic relationships until you are doing so for the right reasons ... not to fill the void left by your spouse, not to replace the attention and affection you wish you were getting from your spouse. There wasn't room in your marriage for three people and I would suggest that won't be room for three people in your next relationship either.

Drop the rope. It's healthy and necessary. For YOU. Live your life and become the best and most authentic you can be.

Merry Christmas to all!
Peace,
PEI

Antonia ...

Sweetie ... I'm worried about you. I hear a lot of talk about making decisions and doing things "because" your husband has moved on and never looked back. I also read a lot of seeking external validation ... A LOT.

This is the time to fix what's broken ... and trust me when I tell you that it's not someone else's perception or views of you that needs fixin'. Antonia - now is the time to dig deep ... pick up that mirror and figure out why you feel so insecure. Where that comes from. Literally pick up a mirror ... look past all your perceived flaws and look into the heart of the woman that stares back at you. Why is she afraid? What is she afraid of?

I have no idea if you've read my story or not ... but I can tell you that my entire life, my entire marriage, was railroaded by my insecurities and fear. They turned me into a control freak. They killed my ability to be a loving partner. I made all kinds of excuses and rationalized and justified my way to hell and back. But I can now stand here and see that for what it was. I needed people, my parents, my coworkers, my friends, my husband to like and love me in order to feel good about myself. Sweetie you are looking at the epitome of "curvy" ... I'm 5'2", 160 lbs and I'm all curves in all the right places LOL! I'm not skinny, and won't ever be ... but I'm me and I'm learning to love every bit of me. Inside and out. I do not need a man's approving glance or attention to feel this way. I know I'm attractive, I know I'm smart, and funny and loud and obnoxious by times . I'm a great friend, an amazing mom and a good daughter and sister. This confidence comes from within ... this knowledge resides within me ... for the first time in my life.

Codependancy is a beast. So is needing the external validation. But you can slay them ... you must if you want to be able to offer a healthy you to a new relationship, with your H or with a new man in the future. If you continue to hitch your self worth to someone else's post what happens if it doesn't work out? Does your esteem and self worth tank again? Then someone else comes along and you feel happy again ... until it doesn't work for whatever reason ...

This is exactly where my stbXH is. He felt worthy because his highschool GF loved him, then I loved him ... and then the daily grind took over after the honeymoon was over and my control freak kicked into high gear. He thought I didn't like him anymore and his self esteem tanked. Then OW came along ... and BAM she thinks he's wonderful and he's in love. He likes himself again, but it's not because he truly does, it's because she thinks he's wonderful. I actually feel sorry for him, because if, when, she leaves ... he'll bottom out - yet again. He has no idea that he's ok just because he's ok. His entire sense of self worth is tied to external forces.

Dig Antonia.

Peace,
PEI

I guess if I'm being honest, here goes. I don't feel insecure. When I look in the mirror, I like what I see. BUT, when I see PICS of me, I see a woman who is "larger" than I see in my mind. Is that a form of body dysmorphic disorder? Maybe. I am self-conscious about my weight. But I also have seen my younger sister lose a tremendous amount of weight--she looks like me but much thinner--and guess what? Her husband makes jokes about how she is flat-chested. I'm not kidding. He does.

And my suddenly being single, all I'm thinking is that no one will ever notice me because I'm not thin. I come from a family where type 2 diabetes is in every single relative older than I am. I am beating the odds in that I'm not there yet! It's in my genes. This is the one health problem that plagues my family.

When my H left, I lost a tremendous amount of weight fast. I was the thinnest I'd been in 20 years. But guess what? I lost a lot of hair, from the stress! Not a good tradeoff since my hair is my best asset.

Now that I'm off anti-depressants and actually eating, I gained some back. I can't be a thin girl. I just can't. Not without extreme sacrifice.

So yeah, I do have that self-esteem issue, if I'm digging deep. My H loved my size/shape. I'm just concerned that no one else will.

I'll keep trying to dig at this root cause, though. Good advice, PEI.

AMEN PEI.

I think most of us here identifies with what you said above. And Antonia, I'm down to 128 and when I have my picture took, I look 200 lbs. - to myself. I go to great lengths to avoid having my pic taken.

Our insecurities coupled with their insecurities is the mix that lands most of us here. Each in our own way. Just when I thought H & I could settle down and look forward to retirement and just being grandparents, he has to have someone 'adore' him; make him feel 18 again. I, personally, wouldn't go back if they presented me with the machine to do it.

I don't think that means we all need to land on a psychoanalyist's couch, just that we are all carrying our own private baggage, and sometimes we drop the bags for a moment.

Why? That's the question I take to bed with me. It drives me deep within myself searching for the roots of things. Are you going to try to tell me that men don't find curvy women attractive? 'Cause honey, that just ain't true!!! LOL ... in all seriousness, start here ... dig here ... and yeah, I get the surface confidence, I had that too. Most people in my life thought I was very confident and comfortable in my own skin. But it took time. And did I mention the digging? I think Eric has a pretty, glittery, lilac-colored shovel he'll probably let you borrow


This is key ... happy digging!

Peace
PEI

Good for you for seeing that for what it is ... the answers are all within you. Take the time and the quiet to let them surface.

I also want to point out that the extreme rage you're feeling will hold you back. We all need to feel the anger, in order to process it and let it go ... but is yours truly directed where you think it should be? Is it a coping mechanism?

We can't help you dig, but know that we are standing by cheering you on!

Peace
PEI

Hi Antonia, I have been away from the boards and everything having a great Christmas - what PEI has been saying is good advice for all of us. Also, being left does nothing for one's self esteem!

On the being nice to the WAS - I think this can be complex - there is the self worth issue, you describe so well, but also there is what I call the long habit of loving - all the good times in our marriages that will never be wholly erased. I am still generous to my spouse because of the good times, and because I am actually sorry for him. I am pretty much fine most of the time, but he isn't. Everything that PEI said about that is true.

We have to face ourselves very unflinchingly, and accept who we are, and change what we don't like.

Heard from H today. He sent me a thank you note postmarked Dec. 24th."Thank you for the Christmas present. I will put it to good use. I hope your pump is fixed and all is "well" with the house and kitties. I'm sorry if I upset you but a gift as nice as this deserves a thank you! Take care, D."

I gave him an art set of all kinds of paints. He had been getting into drawing and painting and said that was his way of finding himself, so I thought that this would be a supportive gift but not sentimental or anything. I wasn't going to give him anything but he sent me a check for Christmas for me and the cats so I thought I should give him something.

I look at this card and feel so weird, seeing his handwriting and my name and his name and knowing that I have tons of cards and letters here where he isn't using this formal tone with me, where he's writing about how much he loves me, and now, it's just like there is nothing there.

And this makes me dig deep, and bring me to something else that nags at me, and it's that he is RIGHT and that this woman/this relationship, no matter how sordid it all began, is right for him, and that I'm not. Again, no evidence of pain or sorrow or confusion in him at all, unlike so many in MLC. So maybe he is NOT in MLC. Maybe he is just a guy who couldn't see a path to us fixing what was broken and he gave up before I did, and that's that.

He and I were extremely co-dependent. His comment about us was that it would take a tremendous amount of work to fix that. But he and she were already NOT co-dependent. She had her own set of friends apart from him and a lot of interests apart from him.

After all these months of work on my end, I'm in the exact place I'd need to be to fix that old marriage. I've now got my own set of friends, interests, and independence from him that I would never give up were I with him again. But he won't give me a chance/us a chance because in his mind, it's too late.

Why am I so stuck on him choosing me? Notice I don't say "maybe he's no longer right for me." I am starting to think that the Catholic upbringing has really affected me even though I'm no longer Catholic. I wanted to "mate for life" and I'm having a terrible time trying to get rid of that belief in my head. I bet you on some level I'm afraid I won't be in another relationship because I don't think I'm "supposed" to be in a relationship with anyone but him...

I can so relate to how you're feeling. I think at some point, once the pain has lessened, you will come to a place where you won't be as hurt about his choice. The pain may always be there, but it won't be as intense as it is today. No one imagines his or her marriage could become so cold and lifeless. We assumed that problems could be dealt with and that our spouses would have the guts, integrity and honor to address the weaknesses in our marriages with us, as a team, rather than running into the arms of another or sticking his/her head in the sand until they've reached the point of "no return".

If you do find yourself in another relationship, it will be stronger and better and more honest because you have made such progress in the person you wish to be.

I'm so thankful to have this forum to share in the pain of others (sounds odd, doesn't it?), because I know I'm not alone in my feelings/pain/confusion. I enjoy popping into the "Surviving" section to see how well people are doing now. It's not an easy road, but life will go on.

My hope for you is happiness and a feeling of completeness, whether your H comes to his senses or not.