Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Mixed messages from husband

I'm really sorry Nina that you're going through this, I know it's not easy, I can't imagine what it would be like with kids.
I don't have any words of wisdom to offer you, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone, that hopefully you can find some peace in all the craziness.

My honest opinion is that your husband is in deeper to this affair than you think. I'll bet it is a PA and if not that an EA that he never stopped. Something happened with the A the day he spilled his heart out to you. He either tried to end it himself or was dumped. Him seeming torn up after that was probably due to withdrawing from the affair. My h was the exact same way. When he changed his mind again it probably meant he wanted to go back to her. Sorry to say this, but that is what it really seems like to me.

In an effort to keep myself together I have decided to detach and go dark. For me, this looks like -not always answering the telephone when my husband calls; letting the voice mail pick up his calls instead. Since he is usually calling for the kids, I'll have them call him back. I did my first "strictly business" exchange with the kids. Discussing drop off and pick up arrangements for the first time was a knife twist in my heart. Although he ended up dropping them off late, I stayed upbeat and happy. Don't know how affective I was as that was the hardest thing to do.

I have finally set a number of drastic boundries that are being percieved by my husband as me being "difficult". My refusal to pursue the divorce. -That will be a burden he will have to carry. My asking him to go to marriage counseling if he wants to discuss our marriage in any way. -which can be seen as a baby step, since originally he refused. I also left a note to my H asking him to clean/do something with the rest of his things in "the bedroom" as I am planning to "Spring" clean next week. He complied. I now have my own space. And, even though I said he needed to stop talking to the OW, and he obviously broke that promise, I made it clear. To me it was an explicit boundry. He broke it. Hence my reason for becoming dark.


And more importantly, I finally get what the Lord is telling me, it isn't me. I am not and have not been perfect, but who is perfect? I am only human. I am faithfull and will continue to do so not only to my marriage, but to the Lord. As a result, I am praying that my H accepts the Lord into his life. I am no longer praying for restoration of our marriage. This struggle isn't about me as much as it is about him. I have realized that even though our marriage was not the best, he was never really committed to it in the first place. Therefore, it could never be what it needed to be. A major reason why I was always insecure and passive. His waivering back and forth is all about him and his own struggle to be happy. As individuals, we have to be responsible for our own happiness. Only then can we fully give to one another. This will be a long road and if he ever comes back it will not be for awhile.

Anyhow, I have turned my marriage over to the Lord. I am keeping my eyes and ears on the Lord and learning about what a healthy and happy marriage looks like. There are so many things I didn't know and so many false conceptions we both had about marriage. I will keep reading and perhaps this is how my own personal changes will take place. Hopefully he notices before it's too late. Only God and I will know when that is. If my H and I are to stay together, God will give me a sign. Only God and I will know what that sign is. I am still hopefull, but not expecting anything.

I am ready to roll up my sleeves and put my hiking boots on for this long journey. The best part is that I am not alone. I have my family, my kids, my friends, and the Lord for support and encouragement. I am blessed.

I had a one on one with a marriage counselor today. She is enouraging me to let go. She asked me to recount the positive and happy times in my marriage. They were limited. She said they were not enough to keep the marriage together. That really we needed to decided to make changes about what we want to do now. My husband and I have had a really rocky past. There is so much punishment and pain that it just really hurts to even look at it. I am feeling so low right now. Her suggestion seems to be that boundries need to be set so that my husband stops changing his mind and stops sending mixed messages. She understand my hurt and pain from not ever feeling important or special in my marriage. Her suggestion is that if we let go of one another at some point we might be free to choose one another in the future.

My heart is just breaking over and over again. I am trying so hard not to let it hurt, but I feel so overwhelemed right now. It is getting the best of me.

I am on a path to divorce, whether or not I like it. It hurts...

I'm sorry Nina, it's never easy to accept divorce, especially if you're the one who didn't want one.
I recently came to the conclusion that for my own well being, it was better to save myself and NOT the marriage.
I can read all the books, go to therapy, but at the end of the day, it won't matter, because the only way our marriage could have been saved was if we BOTH wanted to save it.

Was your IC supportive of marriage in general?
Have you seen her before?
I'm just curious since it seems fairly abrupt that she jumped right to you letting go of your marriage.
Or maybe her idea of letting go is different than what you or I think of as letting go.
When I think of letting go, I think of literally letting go of the attachment of the M, of becoming your own person, independent of the M, in order to find yourself again.
It doesn't have to mean you're giving up on the M, but you are essentially Dropping The Rope.

Hi Phenix70, thanks for the words about just saving myself.

My IC said she was pro-marriage when I interviewed her and state so again in our initial session. I have not seen her before. I chose her because she specializes in MC/FC and has 25 years of experience. I thought that family counseling would be good for my kids.

I am not sure what she means about letting go. I think she is still unsure as my husband is leaning that way, but is himself at odds with the whole concept. She made it sound as if in her session with him, he may not even be clear. I know from mixed messages he has sent to me that he is struggling with it all. Perhaps I will need to ask my mc what she means by letting go.

Our next meeting we will be talking about boundries so that my husband will not continue to send me mixed messages. He recently expressed interest in going to church with the kids and I. Although, he didn't say me specifically, but of course I'd be there. He just emphasized going with the kids and our family friend who attends the same church. Her opinion is that a divorced family does not do those things together.

My husband and I decided to take a break from counseling until after the New Year. I am worn out. I had to call into work this week as I have just been unable to sleep, eat and stop crying.

Both my husband and I do really need to find ourselves again. I like your definition of letting go. I am having difficulty with letting go because of the emotional rollercoster and his talking to the OW just kills me.

Please explain more about letting go of the attachment of the M.

Thanks for following up with more info.
I think it would be a good idea to get more clarity from your IC, that way as least you will know exactly what she means.

Letting go of the attachment to the M to me goes hand in hand with finding yourself, to GALing, to even Dropping the Rope.
Because in essence doing those things will enable you to be the best person that you can be, with OR without your M.
You can prepare yourself to carry on your life without falling apart if your M does end in divorce.

I wonder if part of the problem for some people is that they're so caught up in the marriage, they overlook that there could truly be issues that are bigger than they even realize.
That they are more attached to the marriage, then they even are to their spouse.
Sort of like "I can't get divorced, I won't end my marriage" & not "I don't want to lose my spouse."
It's as if they're afraid of losing the marriage & therefore quite possibly their self identity BUT NOT losing their spouse since the focus is on the marriage and NOT the spouse.

I hope that makes sense to you.

This

Thanks for the clarity. This makes a lot of sense. I think I tend to be one of these people. However, I have to say for me it is in a way my pride. Since, my H has rejected me, I avoid saying I don't want to loose me spouse and instead say I want to keep my marriage. But what you are saying makes more sense than my own reasoning. My marriage has become such a big part of who I am that I feel lost. I believe that my H probably feels the same way. Either way, I am more attached to the marriage and have a significant fear of not being married anymore.


I spoke to my IC. She said what she saw in my husband was that he seemed already detached from the marriage and seemed to just be going through the motions. The only one still holding on was me. Her suggestion was that I begin to work on finding my own happiness and love and do so without my H. She also said that once I have let go, perhaps their might be a future with my husband, but pehaps there may not be. Either way, I am living my life. I suppose this could also be viewed as part of what happens when using LRT and even with detachment.

This week was terrible for me. I just spent a lot of time crying and obsessing about my husband and all that is happening.

I have a great support system. A friend at work told me that the MC's perception that a divorce -letting go- seemed too soon to determine. -Exactly what Pheonix70 said. - My MC said she just didn't see any desire for R from my husband when she met with him individually. I don't think I want to go back to see her again. My stomach has been in knots all week.

My co-worker told me just to focus on the seperation and don't worry about looking ahead to the divorce. Divorce is a big decision to make. I will just take my time and wait. He hasn't persued a lawyer or filing yet. I suppose no news is good news.

Picked up some information for divorce support groups for me and the kids. My husband could attend too. Not sure if I want to invite him. He has been calling a lot for our kids. I suppose he misses them.

I think he will be coming to church tomorrow as my daughter is really begging him to attend. I think she really has faith that things will work out.

Although I had a rough week, I feel much better today. I am worried that seeing my husband may make be sad again. I will be nice, up-beat and happy. I'll dress up too. This always makes me feel better.

Next week I will begin working on some home projects. Still have not heard about what complaints my husband has about me. I'm not sure if I should ask him again.

I am taking the kids today to shop for an X-mas present for him.

Once I stop obsessing about my marriage, perhaps I can really begin to detach.

Detaching was the hardest for me. But it wasn't until I really did it that things turned around for me. My H went through a few years of MLC and around 4 different A's. My advice is not to ask him to attend the meetings with you and the kids. Don't even tell him you are going just tell him that you are attending a meeting or function with the kids.

Dont worry about what his complaints about you are, what is more important right now would be what are your complaints about yourself? Start working on that list it's the better one.

Don't stress too much about him being at church- you want him there. He needs to see you still living your life and looking great while doing so. Dont be fake, be genuine. Yes, you will feel some butterflies but maybe look at it like this, play a game with yourself- pretend that you are a single lady and he is a great guy at church you have a crush on, so dont lay it on to thick but dont be too snooty either if that makes sense. Smile and be nice but enjoy your time at church. Trust me once they see that you are going to be able to go on be able to do it without falling apart they start seeing a strong woman. An attractive woman.

You have the confidence inside- just show it on the outside

(((hugs))))
Lisa