Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Crossroads

Thank you very much for all the responses.



You are correct Sandi, I need to leave the chase to her. Since we have been separated I have not really provided any details about what is happening in my life. Our conversations were almost always focused on our children.



I would have pursued her. I honestly would have seen it as a challenge to be the better person, to win so to speak.



I would be attracted to someone that had their life in order, and had a life. Someone who knows where he is going, knows what he wants, and isn't afraid to go after it. Someone that pays attention to me, asked questions about me, and is generally interested. Someone that takes care of themselves emotionally and physically. He would be attractive and self-confident.

Turn offs would include a negative attitude, putting other people down, clingy, needing to be around me all the time and not having a life of his own.

Me or Kemper?



IMO, the only reason a woman would look at another man with interest is b/c she is not completely happy/satisfied with the R she is in with OM. This woman's emotions are all over the place and she doesn't know who she wants. She doesn't even know what she wants. She is making decisions and acting out of her emotions. So, to say she's unstable is an understatement, but typical in these cases.

I know if my H had stopped pursuing me and started showing interest in anothere woman....I would have dropped all interest in OM and my attention would have been completely on what was taking place with my H & OW. He would have suddenly looked more attractive if another woman wanted him. But here is the the most importatnt part....if I had flirted enough to show H I might be interested in making our M work.....and then he dropped OW right then (without much effort on my part), then I think my interest in getting him back might not hold very long. It has a lot to do with the "chase". Being men, you should know that the chase is such an important part of the courtship. If the girl can be swayed too easily.....well, it just takes the wind out of your sail,doesn't it? Much more interesting if there is enough wind to fuel that boat and keep it going.

Keeping a nice distance between you and the woman. Letting her see you once in a while and letting the sexual attraction build.....causing her desire for you to deepen....that's important.

Here's the thing that I don't understand about teenagers today.....and even young adults. They don't appreciate the dating game. They don't play the field. It's like they want a solid committment before going out on a date. Takes the fun of the chase & mystery out of it, if you ask me.

I had some good looking boys that wanted to date me in school, but there was something that was lacking. You see, good looks isn't everything. There has to be a chemistry between the couple, or at least for the girl. I remember going out with a guy who was crazy about me....but I felt like he was my cousin. I couldn't even kiss him. Nice guy, nice looks.....but just no chemistry.

The biggest thing that would turn me off was for a guy to be sniffing around me. Sometime I wondered if I would see slobber dripping off his chin. (lol)....no, just kidding a little. I liked that guy that stood over to the side who wasn't looking at my boobs, but was looking into my eyes and had a little hint of a message there in that look.
That was what attracted me to my H. I wanted to learn more about what made him tick!

That old saying about men & women is as true today as it was from the beginning of time. "He chased the girl unil she caught him". Be very subtle, and let her "work" to catch you.

I think Coach just managed to get all of this right out of the cat's mouth.

Guys, pay attention.

Thank you Sandi.

Cheers

How you doing Kemper?

Everyone's perspective is different. And I'd like to offer mine.


The truth is we don't know the truth of the background and of your W's perspective. And I want to say, in general, I usually agree with sandi2. I'm just offering this because, Kemper, only you and your wife together know what rings true.

This woman's emotions are all over the place and she doesn't know who she wants. She doesn't even know what she wants. She is making decisions and acting out of her emotions. So, to say she's unstable is an understatement, but typical in these cases. It may appear to be so, be we're looking at it through Kemper's lenses.

I know if my H had stopped pursuing me and started showing interest in anothere woman....I would have dropped all interest in OM and my attention would have been completely on what was taking place with my H & OW. He would have suddenly looked more attractive if another woman wanted him.

And I would have moved on. It is so with my exH, who was a jerk, and it is so with 'the coach' whom I love now.


Keeping a nice distance between you and the woman. Letting her see you once in a while and letting the sexual attraction build.....causing her desire for you to deepen....that's important.



Completely agree. If you rub your hands together and then feel the different distances between them--space them far apart and space them close enough to touch, pull them away far enough that you can feel a 'heat' or energy...not touching, but not feeling 'nothing'. That's an analogy. You want a close enough distance to feel something, far enough away, she would have to pull closer. In fact, you want the 'outside edge' ALMOST no feeling but not no feeling, enough to draw her in. If that makes sense to you. (to some people that makes no sense, and some people get it immediately.)

Here's the thing that I don't understand about teenagers today.....and even young adults. They don't appreciate the dating game. They don't play the field. It's like they want a solid committment before going out on a date. Takes the fun of the chase & mystery out of it, if you ask me.

Yeah. They have no clue. It's as if they're not allowed to play the field.

Sandi2--any clue how to change that? I did not raise my daughters this way, and they blow this off.

The biggest thing that would turn me off was for a guy to be sniffing around me. Sometime I wondered if I would see slobber dripping off his chin. (lol)....no, just kidding a little. I liked that guy that stood over to the side who wasn't looking at my boobs, but was looking into my eyes and had a little hint of a message there in that look.
That was what attracted me to my H. I wanted to learn more about what made him tick!

I didn't have this, I didn't have boobs. But I dated a lot. Lots of guys. And I was in general, treated really well. Taken out on dinner/movie/dance type dates, even in HS. I wanted someone who cared about the romance.

Thank you so much for the responses!

I have been busy with life lately. I went to a Christmas party on Friday evening and had a blast. In the past I would have been the person standing in the corner waiting for people to approach me. Since the bomb I have made an effort to get out and meet people, have conversations, and all in all just interact more. During the party I moved from room to room talking with different people throughout the night and it feels more natural now.

I am on vacation until the 27th and will have my sons with me full time. I really enjoy the time we get to spend together. It is so much fun watching these little guys grow up and listening to the stuff that comes out of their mouths. Bill Cosby was right when he said, "Kids say the darndest things".

On the W front not much has happened. The boys had a cookie decorating party at school on Friday that I let W know about on Thursday. She never showed up and after the party the boys and I started our vacation a little early.

My W typically calls once a day when I have the boys to say hello, ask about their day, and to tell them that she loves them. This has been a sore topic in the past when she gets too busy to call. She never called last night and around bedtime my oldest was saying that he missed mommy and wanted to talk to her. I sent her a text asking if she was around. No response from W until around noon today. She sent a text saying she was sorry that she missed my text and asked if the boys were available to talk. She talked to the boys and then asked to talk to me. She stated she was sorry again.

She also mentioned to me that she told our oldest son that all of us could go see the new Cars (Lightening McQueen) movie together. I asked if she knew when it was coming out and she said no. I told her it wouldn't be out until July. She said well maybe we can all still go together. I told W that it was a long time off and we could cross that bridge when we got there.

W then asked if I had thought about what we were going to do Wed night. I let her know that I hadn't thought much about it. There was one idea I had involving go-karting but I figured she wouldn't be interested as she isn't very adventurous. She stated that she would be open to trying something new. After that I felt like she was trying to keep the conversation going, I told her that I was in the middle of something and had to go.

sgctxok

You are 100% correct that you are only hearing my side of the story. Maybe one day my W will open up and give her side of the story. Throughout this entire situation she has always been very closed.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond and I can understand how some people would choose to walk away after their LBS started dating someone else. It could be viewed similarly to those who choose not to try and work on the M after their S has an affair. Every person knows their own limits of what they will and will not tolerate. I have no idea where my W is coming from and I might not ever know.

I have not reached out to my W, with the exception of conversations that need to take place about the boys. I am going to move forward with living my life, letting her chase me, seeing her sometimes but not being available whenever it is convenient for her.

You're right, everyone is different. The reason I would have turned my attention from OM if my H had shown interest in another woman, is b/c of how I'm made, and also how my H is. If he had been a womanizer, then I'm sure I would have walked away.



Oh, and this is for Kemper. I meant to give more details about the guy standing over to the side. Don't mean to sound like he's a creep or anything. He projects self-confidence just by the way he stands, the way he moves, and how he interacts with others. Doesn't bother him if he stands alone, b/c he prefers it. But that little sexual, knowing smile,when he looks into her eyes causes butterflies in her stomach.

I am going to chime in here a little and give a unique perspective on Kemper's sitch. As some of you may know already I live around the corner from Kemper, we met here on the boards about a year ago and within a couple of weeks realized our proximity to each other. I have checked with him and he is okay with me sharing my perspective with all of you.



In Kemper’s sitch, we do not know what his W is thinking, but the fog is starting to clear in that she has been smacked with reality of her situation and the choices she has made. She finds herself in a drastically different living environment than what she had a year ago and the fantasy of the affair is definitely gone. The OM lives in another state far away and unless he moves here any relationship will remain long distance and will suffer and die eventually (the whole email, facebook, texting, and phone conversations thing fizzle after a while and will not sustain a committed relationship over time).

I think she started to reconsider things 3 or 4 months ago. However I think she still viewed Kemper as a "viable" backup plan to whatever the hell she was doing. In her mind Kemper was "Plan B".

From my vantage point she started to squirm when she caught wind of Kemper's girlfriend. Kemper's W started to "act out" and started to well be "bitchy" once she found out for sure about Kemper's girlfriend.

TO ALL THE NEWCOMERS READING THIS: I AM NOT SUGGESTING YOU RUN OUT AND GET YOURSELF A BOY/GIRL FRIEND....

Kemper's sitch is complicated exponentially by having another person involved.....

However....

It does bring something to light that has been spoken about many times before here on the board, especially by Sandi and Coach....

and that is CONFIDENCE

The game changer for Kemper is that he has demonstrated to his W that he is confident and he will be okay if not better off without her. This is what women are attracted to in Men more than any other trait, Confidence.

Kemper is confident enough to have attracted another woman!!! Kemper's W noticed, obviously.

The problem I have found in my own situation is that for men their confidence is utterly shattered when their wives cheat either EA/PA, and we fall to pieces. It is preached here that you "fake it until you make it".....

Well I am here to tell you that CONFIDENCE is something that can not be "faked" and women can sniff it out in a New York Minute. My message to anyone new reading this is that it takes TIME to get that level of Confidence back and while you are working on yourself it is best to stay away from your spouse as much as posssible.

For Kemper and myself which I will post about later, once you reach this level of "Confidence" there is almost a backlash against the WAS/WAW. Kemper knows he and his boys will be fine without his W and that the slightest transgression by the WAW brings about a very "hostile" feeling.

For example in Kemper's sitch....his W not calling the boys to say goodnite and giving some BS reason as to why she could not do it.

Kemper is going to have to really "work" to suppress some of these feelings and not let them get in the way of any possibility of reconciliation. I guess what I am saying here is that the very attitude and air of confidence that is needed to attract our spouses back can get in the way also because now we will not put up with anymore "disrespect" from our spouses.

If Mr. Bond is around I would love to hear his thoughts also. I think that we reach this point and it has been referred to as the great race between the WAS and LBS.....

The WAS is moving towards reconciliation (unknowingly) and the LBS is moving towards being done. The crux of the matter is that I believe in most cases, it takes the LBS being DONE for real before the WAS takes a hard look at their spouse. This was the case for Jack also....right Jack???

In Kemper's case he was done along time ago.....this I know because I am here, but it was not until Kemper's girlfriend became public knowledge that Kemper's wife started to really notice.