Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Am I piecing? Just can't tell...

I can't help but say that your so very lucky (I know it's hard work that gets you there) because I know I miss the physical contact. Anything!

It also scares me, because I can only imagine that I would feel like kid getting his first kiss if it where to happen to me.

It's been well over a month since my W has initiated ANY physical contant with me.

For you I guess you should let her "drive" so to speak, and keep telling yourself to take it slow - and not get to caught up, until it becomes a normal.

I feel good for you though, and I hope you can continue to build on your R.

Thanks SIC, it is hard... I need physical contact even more then sex.

And I am lucky but it took very hard work. After she ended it with OM my life was hell.

I did some crazy things, nothing illegal but things I will never admit too.

I've been watching your ditch SIC and wish you great success.

Thanks SbH...appreciate the kind words.

I just hope there isn't am OM in my case. The few times I've been dumb enough to say something she been angry and denied that she is involved with anyone.

Regardless, now she seems to want to go out of her way to let me know she's not cheating.

She called me at work today (left message as I don't answer when she calls) to tell me that she's got plans to go out with her cousin tonight. I called back and told her that was fine, and that I was excited to spend another night with kids (due to her working nights and her going out tonight) for the 5th straight night. She said she was disappointed about not getting to put the kids to bed.

I also thought it was a good time to tell her that I'm going out on Friday for my best friends birthday. She said "I figured you were going to say that..."

I think detaching is working. Obviously if we have seperate plans it makes it a lot easier.

Keep up the good attitude!

sBh...

I think you gave me some of your bad feelings yesterday. After this thread and after I went home. I started to get very angry at the situation all over again. It didn't help that my W decided to just go to bed w/o even telling me (not like she needs to, but she usually does at least that). So I did what any good DBer would do, I worked on myself. I went for a run on the treadmill and played some Xbox. Enjoyed my time by myself.
Of course, this morning I was still a tad upset at the situation. But I did NOT let her see this, as with last night.

Then she called me today. I said I was sorry for being grumpy (because I wanted to head off something) she said that she didn't notice which was my goal and that if I was it was probably because I was feeling burned out by the situation, she then said that she was too. It was so nice to hear that.

I have tried to learn that you cannot know what your W is thinking and that if you try to do it will drive you crazy. Take last night, my W was probably just really tired and I don't she was looking to get back at me. But I took it that way for some reason. It was stupid to do. But it's a learning process.

I then had an other kick butt run at lunch (I'm training for the Boston Marathon in April). I also learned that idle hands are no good and I ordered an acoustic guitar. I've wanted to learn how to play and now that I have some free time in the evenings, it seems like a no brainer.

I hope things keep progressing for your. Remember that it's not a straight line and there will be ups and downs.

SIC, you are doing great! I see that you are detaching and that's good. 5 straight nights make me slightly uneasy. OM may be in the picture. You may need to investigate. Not snoop, but you need to find you. As you probably know, I feel that OM means that you have less chance of getting W back in a reasonable time.

Also, I don't agree with cake eating. Keep working hard and keep your self-respect.



Harrier, thanks for sharing. I agree that panic sets in at the slightest "thought". I still snoop (I know, I know DB'ers) and am working on completely breaking free of it. We have lost trust and thats the reason for snooping. I feel that trust can be restored but not while the W is indifferent towards you. I will be sure that my W loves me when she starts to say it again. Until then, there will always be a question.

Keep detaching! Stay strong! And no matter what happens, in the end WE WIN because WE TRIED!

SbH
I agree. It is AMAZING how this works. I was kinda sad today again and I couldn't hid it from W. She was like "why are you so down?" I answered and she said "You know if you act like this is a self-fulfilling prophecy." (I think she was somewhat kidding) That snapped me out of it and I started to act happier. Then suddenly our interactions are great. She's in her room now working. She went out of her way to say that it wasn't because she wanted to be isolated, but because that's the warmest room in the house. It's freakin' cold outside tonight and we have a 100+ year old house. She also said that I could come out and hang with her if I want.

I keep thinking of this song lyric in regard to the whole DB situation.

"Cause whats left to lose?
I've done enough,
And if I fail then I fail but I gave it a shot"

Personally, I don't know how I feel about the whole detaching thing. Maybe I'm reading it wrong. I think to some extent detaching has the potential to do harm.

Question:

I always feel awful when I'm away from home and away from W. I fight the urge to call, text, and email W every day. Even though she gives signs that she wants to work on the M (agreeing to move and start new life, sharing wine, sitting close, not rejecting my very small advances).

Here's why...

Last night (and every night) we had a few glasses of wine, nice conversation, went to bed and read more of "surrendering to Marriage" and fell asleep spooning (forth night in a row). The problem is that I initiate ALL the physical contact (except in the morning when she is leaving for work she hugs me goodbye). I am not in LRT... Am I being too needy? Should I back off the physical? I fear if I stop it may push her away. I fear if I don't stop she will never miss me. I'm not over the top affectionate but I do show affection.

No "I love you", no "I want to make us work", no "I want to be with you". Nothing verbal from her.

We discuss moving to a different city together to start a new life but she will not say, "I want to make us work". Seems crazy to me...

Is she doing/saying it through non-verbal cues? Is she saying she wants to "try" by discussing our possible new life in another place?

I had an IC meeting today and she said that you can't uproute your family and kids and move to another place if you and your W are not committed to the M. It is unfair to me as the H and unfair to my kids. My IC thinks that my W is somewhat "out there" because of my W behavior. My IC does not believe in limbo. She feels after 3 months a firm decision needs to be made. Activly work on the marriage or don't... I kinda agree.

We go to a MC in the same office and my IC talks to our MC and both therapists feel that my W is making a huge mistake. But it's her mistake to make.

I also feel myself getting VERY angry and resentful because I am WORKING on the marriage and she is simply DECIDING if she wants it to work at it. So one person gets their Love Bucket not only full but overflowing (my W) and the other persons Love Bucket is almost completely empty (mine).

Sooo, though she has done nothing to make me feel lost, I still do... I need reassurance... Reassurance that she will not go back to OM, reassurance that she wants to work on M, reassurance that she loves and cares about me... Everyone says that time is on your side and that time is your friend. I disagree, I feel that time builds anger and resentment and indifference.

Even DR speaks of the cheating spouce needing to reassure the jilted spouse after an affair. And when that does not happen things can go very bad...

Remember: "An idol mind is a playground for the devil."

Agreed.

Can you bring this up in marriage counseling?

You are going to need to be reassured, and she should be willing to, or at the very least understand that.



Is 'wanty' a word?
You have been through alot, and so has your wife, marriage hits a horrible spot and you want all these things that you believe will show you that everything is better and fixed, and you want them NOW. It's a bit like overcompensating.

Build this new foundation slowly over time.
There is no quick fix to this, pace yourself and control yourself.

IC's...

Does your IC actually challenge you? Or just agree with you?
For instance:

You - "I think 3 months is more than enought time for her to figure stuff out."

Your IC - "I agree!"

Your IC is there for you to help you, he/she isn't talking to your wife (right?) so the only insight they have about her is from what you provide.

If you go in and they see how much your wifes actions / inactions are hurting you, well there is a very quick fix to that, get rid of your wife, heck three months is a long time!

But that's not why you are here.

And three months...isn't really all that long compared to the rest of your life.

Time, used wisely is your friend.
Time wasted...that is when it hurts you.

Thanks JTB, We have MC soon. I do need reassurance.

Just not sure if I sould stop being physical. She was never a physical person. In the past, if I stopped being physical she complained. I'm just torn.

Do I keep doing what I'm doing or do I stop being physical?

I know our MC is going to ask her point blank if she wants to work on our marriage since we might move and I fear this question will scare her.

She shows signs of wanting to work on it (talking of moving, sitting together, spooning) but I think verbalizing it is scary.

She far more confident because she states that she is "stronger" through personal growth and she no longer feels she "neede me" to survive.

But this feeling only came AFTER EA. She didn't grow by going to college or learning a new skill or joining a new group. Her "growth" has come from the confidence she feels from EA that she IS wanted and desired. Duh, shes a good looking woman. Its all physical. I'm not doubting that OM likes her but the chances of true love with him are slim.

I see this confidence as a fantasy created by an EA and I don't see any personal growth. Am I reading this wrong?

Anyone have any ideas on how I should proceed?

My IC is having a hard time with my position. She DOES know my W since our MC is part of the same office.

My IC is a divorced woman with a dughter. She has been jilted in the past (I can tell). She TRIES to stay neutral but I can tell that she does not feel what is happening to me is right.

I have toyed with the idea of getting a new IC. Not sure. She feels I should be able to talk to my W and ask if she is committed to the marriage. I'm sure she has never read DB/DR.