i had so much hope for this new year and for it to be ruined already hurts me deeply.
i really should have just ignored it all but i worried that if i did it would happen again, he would see me as nothing, so now all of the anxiety and fear is surfacing, fear that if he was cheating he will now he needs an outlet and i again am alone.
okay have calmed down a bit, right now i just want to eat and sleep so thats what i'm gonna do, want to be fast asleep before H gets home, still dont know where to lay my head, own bed, daughters bed, or sofa. PMA, Pma, pma
last night wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. I made sure i was alsleep before H got home but did hear when he got into bed, he kept fidgiting so much and was eating in bed so woke me up. whilst staying in sleepy mode and not turning to face him H asked why i didnt answer my phone at 23:30, i told him i was asleep what was up, he said nothing so i stayed in sleepy mode, he didnt not bring up what happened and niether did i, to be honest i want to forget about it but cant stand him being near me right now, good thing is this incident will put us both off ML for a good few weeks, i just hope this hasnt now opened the door for an OW.
last night wasn't so bad, H got a takeaway and dvd for us to watch. Whilst watching the dvd he was making comments about the couple on the film and even said to me "why you sitting by the edge of the sofa and not cuddled up next to me" i sort of heard him but he was saying it during a very loud action sequence (i love to watch films really loud, but was also in awe of what he said) so when i asked him to repeat what he said now that it was quieter but he said never mind. After the film had ended H asked if i was going to work the next day i said i was even though i have the option not too but as he is at home i thought it best, so then i went up to bed, our D woke up so i went to her room to settle her and when i went back to our room my H was in bed (this is unusual for him to follow me to bed) to be honest i was a bit nervous about him being in the bed, but he both curled up at opposite sides of the bed to go to sleep. I woke up during the night (was finding it hard to sleep anyway) my H was tossing and turning aswell and asked me if i was okay, i said yeah then asked him to hold me which he did with no hesitation and will fell asleep.
This was a huge 180 for me, usual if he has upset me or we have had an arguement i would have a grump on for days and the vibe in the house would be terrible, but i did think last night i dont like this atmosphere and that i would break the ice and ask him to hug/hold me, now things dont seem so bad, still dont know what i will be like if we ever ML again, time will tell i suppose.
Today i am work until very late but i do plan to just get on with housework and sort out H clothes for him for tomorrow (as i usually do) all week i have been doing light exercise and drinking more water and i actually feel better for it as my attitude has changed. I have also been dressing sexier to boost my confidence and 'Act as If'i do plan to keep this up so come what may :0)
tonight all hell has broken loose, did not handle anything right and now H says if i get the papers he will sign them now for a Divorce
after evrything that happened in the past few days especially the ML he says he can never come near me phsically again and will never again, he is being very hostile and vile towards me but yet i still love him and want to sort this out...am i a fool?
i write here through my tears how can everything be so wrong.
have just had the night from hell and i am a cmplete wreck with no one to talk too and no where to turn...PLEASE HELP ME!!!
had an 'uncomfortably bad' sexual experience with my H a few nights ago and unbeknowing to me he had built up resentment towards me and what happened a few nights ago was the final straw. Tonight H tells me he will never pysically come near me ever again as he now lives in fear of a repeat of that night and does not want to hurt me, which i fully understand, he then tells me he has had no feelings for me since the night before we got married and wishes he never did marry me, i feel this is worse then the ILYBNILWY as he says he never loved me and only married me as his family were there and made the effort to turn up, this hit like a bullet, dont get me wrong i know things were bad but we had promised each to try and have a better life together, but he tells me he was only telling me what i wanted to hear.
i did all the things you shouldnt and have not handled this situation well at all, i cried, shouted , accused and then repeat over and over again, to get nowhere, i should have known where this was going and not get into a R talk but i fell fr the bait hook n line.
th thing is right now i feel foolish for still wanting him even after everything he has said and done i feel such a fool and dont know what to do....HELP!!!
last night as upset as i was i still slept in our bed with H you could have drove a truck between the space btween us but i know it is for the best, i only slept in the bed as i have said to him in the past even if we argue we should still sleep in the same bed unless things are really that bad, i understand now how this is dumb.
this morning although still very upset and very tired from crying all night and my D2 waking up early i decided to put my game face on tidy up the things from last night, go out to pay bills and come back just in time for H to go to work therefore not having to deal with at all....this was all going to plan except he did not lave for work ontime he hovered and left out 20mins late, as he was at home and i could tll he was not ready to leave i decided to stay out of his way and stayed in D2 room, H popped his head around the door and just looked eventually i said whats up, he said something but i wasnt listing and he was walking away as he spoke, 5mins later he comes into the room and asks why am i in D2 room, i tell hm because i dont want a confrontation this morning, he says fine whatever and leaves then he shouts this is not what i want i dont want yu to ignore me and not be around me, i get up and look at him put cant say anything and ask him if he is finished in the bathroom were i then busy myself in the bathroom and get D2 dressed, in this time he gets his things togther says 'see you later' and goes to work....i feel relieved!
i plan to detatch and expect nothing from him i plan to 'act as if' we are no longer together and ignor him unless i dont have too i plan to continue doing tings in the house and pay the bills as normal i plan to buy some new books so that i can be reading whilst being in the same room as him i plan to get some anti-depressants (again)to help my moods i plan to stay focused on being the best mom i can be as my daughter is my only reason for living right now:0)
