I would have to get a job and start bein responsible for myself and taking care to not spend frivalously. I would have to start contributing fairly to the financial aspect of my childrens upbringing, and start taking every oppurtunity i can to spend time with my kids. Then i would have to work on getting a grip of my issues by eliminating their root causes, by holding down a job; getting in decent shape; getting over what she has done to me; and regaining some semblance of self confidence.
OOOOhhhhh,where you been girl? This board can use your experience and advice.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Detaching was the hardest for me. But it wasn't until I really did it that things turned around for me. My H went through a few years of MLC and around 4 different A's. My advice is not to ask him to attend the meetings with you and the kids. Don't even tell him you are going just tell him that you are attending a meeting or function with the kids.
Dont worry about what his complaints about you are, what is more important right now would be what are your complaints about yourself? Start working on that list it's the better one.
Don't stress too much about him being at church- you want him there. He needs to see you still living your life and looking great while doing so. Dont be fake, be genuine. Yes, you will feel some butterflies but maybe look at it like this, play a game with yourself- pretend that you are a single lady and he is a great guy at church you have a crush on, so dont lay it on to thick but dont be too snooty either if that makes sense. Smile and be nice but enjoy your time at church. Trust me once they see that you are going to be able to go on be able to do it without falling apart they start seeing a strong woman. An attractive woman.
You have the confidence inside- just show it on the outside
Great post, Lisa.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Busy with my 6 kiddos and my HUSBAND. See Newcomers there really are success stories and it was NOT easy and it wasnt quick but it was worth it. I have some time on my hands so I wanted to give back to the board that gave me ME back and in doing so saved my marriage. I hope I can offer some good advice and some first hand experience advice cause honey darling H put me through it all. I became a better person and am much happier today no matter what happens.
Me:37 H:38 6 kids first bomb 8/05 (ow involved) piecing 7/06 second bomb 3/07 ow involved wash rinse repeat.... huge move to start over 2/11 more affairs H left for good 8/12
Nina, I'm sorry you had a rough week, hugs to you. I'm so happy for you that you have a great support system, I think that makes a HUGE difference in how people deal with these situations. Keep reaching out to the positive people in your life, it's good to be around people who pump you up & not try to bring you down.
It probably is a good idea to not go back to that MC. How about seeking out someone you know for certain is pro marriage, even though yours seemed to be, I doubt she was.
I'm having my own rough week, I won't bore you with the details in your thread, you're welcome to go read my own. BUT I will tell you this, I found a great quote that I'm doing my best to live by, some days it's really hard but it has helped. “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
Good luck with the shopping today.
M: 46 H: 39 Together 10 years, married almost 8 years No kids D day 11/23/15 GALing at this point
Phenix70- Great quote!, mind if I check out your thread?
I too think she def. needs to find a PRO- marriage therapist even if she just goes herself, oh and she should take the DR/DB book(s) with her!
Me:37 H:38 6 kids first bomb 8/05 (ow involved) piecing 7/06 second bomb 3/07 ow involved wash rinse repeat.... huge move to start over 2/11 more affairs H left for good 8/12
Lisa, Thanks, I really like that quote, I found it at the right time.
Sure go ahead & check out my thread, but I'll warn you, it's not for the faint of heart. My M is very ugly at the present moment & I can imagine how ugly the D is going to get before it's all said & done.
M: 46 H: 39 Together 10 years, married almost 8 years No kids D day 11/23/15 GALing at this point
I am recovering from some surgery nd am waiting to have one more- No big deal just some female things so I will have alot of time. I am trying to read alot of the Newcomers threads so I can give them some hope possibly before they give up. If you think I could be of value on someone's thread please let me know, that goes for anyone tht reads this. Even if that person is in a different forum, I really want to help as much as I can. I dont know where I would be if it wasnt for Michelle and her books plus the folks on here and there tremendous support and numerous 2x4's upside my head when I wanted to give up or I backslid and they were there to help me go on. Doing this for myself gave me my OWN life back and that is what it is all about. My doing DB and its principles has been so helpful to me in all aspects of my life. Hang in there everyone. SORRY FOR THE HIJACK
Lisa
Me:37 H:38 6 kids first bomb 8/05 (ow involved) piecing 7/06 second bomb 3/07 ow involved wash rinse repeat.... huge move to start over 2/11 more affairs H left for good 8/12
Wow! I am blessed just to have you all as part of my support system. I hope that in some ways that I can help you all too.
Today was the most crazy coincidence. You will and maybe you won't believe it. The church I went to today I have been to only two other times. It isn't close to my house, as I live in the suburbs and the church is in the city. Anyhow, my husband shows up at the same time as me and the kids. I run into the family friend who is meeting us there and together we walk in and drop off my son and his friend at youth services. My daughter wants to sit with ther dad at during the service so we meet him at the front of the church. I smile and tell him that I am glad he made it. All the while I was feeling terrified about my emotions.
-Last night, my father-in-law sends me a reply to an e-mail. He tells me to read from Proverbs 3:5-6 = which speaks to trusting in the lord and not man's (my own) understanding, and letting God lead and guide. and 1Corinthians 13:3-8 - which speaks to what love is and what is does not do. Initially, I had read Proverbs that morning and was avoiding reading Corinthians because I knew what is spoke to. In any regard, I read and re-read both. My father-in-law calls me. We talk. He is a minister, so he minsters to me about how my husband and I both checked out of our marriage and are equally responsible for its demise, which I do not deny. He points out to me that I let my emotions get the best of me and I need to put them in order if I want to save my marriage. He advises me to be humble and unconditional. He tells me to show love to my husband no matter how mean and cruel my husband behaves to me and more importantly to spend time on taking care of me and my relationship with God. That night I pray. I ask God to help me to have the strength to show unconditional love to my husband even when I am at my worst. That morning, I wake up and begin to work out; but my heart tells me I really need to spend time in prayer and re-reading those verses. I do both. After reading I decide I need a reminder to help my stay on task. The day my husband asked me for a divorce, I took off my wedding ring. I told myself the next time I put it back on it would be because I had a purspose to do so or that my husband put it back on my finger. I decided, my reminder to show love to my husband would be my wedding ring and I slip it on my finger. My husband calls and says that he will attend but will be a few minutes late. I have aligned DB'ing with my spiritual beliefs. I dress nicely and put a smile on my face. It is my goal to show him I am happy and moving on and I am fine with it all. I feel better about the mourning.
At church I join my friends and my daughter sits up in the balcony with her father. I turn to shake hands with the people around me and worship begins. As we are in the middle of singing a song I began looking around at the people sitting near me. I stop and look at a woman I think I recognise. My heart beats faster and my stomach begins to burn. I say no, that can't be her. She looks a bit out of shape and not as I remember her. I tell myself, "no, no way its not her." She turns just enough that I can see more of her side profile. It's her, the OW! I am stunned. I turn to my friend, as she knows everything and I wisper in her ear, its her. She says "where?" She holds me tightly. I am in shock.
She is there. I began thinking to myself, WTF is she doing here. How could my husband invite her here? How could he do this? He must have told her to come or that he would be here. My thoughts began flying all over the place. I look down at my wedding ring. I recall the two bible verses and DB'ing. Do not be provoked. Be happy and be positive. Be confident, be loving no matter what. Do not lean in my own understanding, trust in the Lord. My stomack begans to turn, but I maintain my composure. Service ends and we meet up again with my husband as our D will be leaving with him for the next couple of days. I get my son and his friend from youth services. We go to the parking lot and the whole time I am happy, pleasant and up-beat. I tell my husband that I hope he has a great day and we exchange hugs (my initiative).
I made it through the day. I feel dazed and at that point am still in shock. I know my husband saw her from where he sat. I know he knows I saw her. Was it a coincidence or was it her plan? Who cares, it doesn't matter. I maintained my composure and kept the promise I made to myself. I followed the Lord's to give me strength and the DB techniques together to finally pull myself up by the boot straps in the face of adversity! Ha! I felt good about myself. Not to mention, I am in much better physical shape than she is. I have no spare tire and my ass isn't flat. Ha Ha. Not that that is important, but it still helps.
Thank you Lord!!
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
