Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Help save my WAW

Hi Not--

I know snooping gives you some relief. But in the end, it is taking you off-focus. Focus on your behavior.

I am in a similar sitch. W has confidants she chats with. She keeps coming up with new bombs to drop on me. I went thru the snooping phase and the wondering what she's feeling and thinking constantly. Trust me, it will only ruin your mood and your day. You've got to find some joy in your life and just let her do her thing. Resist thinking about her and wondering, for your own good man.

I know I shouldn't snoop and its only making me feel worse. I'm just going crazy not knowing. I'm really going to try to resist. Thanks guys.

You can do it!

The things that you think might be good signs ARE good signs. And focusing on them keeps the positive momentum going. (And doing the opposite, focusing on the negative keeps a negative momentum going.)

Pickle has given you great advice, stick with it.

When my teenage D was diagnosed with vert brittle Type I Diabetes, our entire family changed from the impact. Christmas Eve was spent learning how to give six or more shots per day. But I quickly learned that those shots were not going to be THE big issue, it was her response to the disease. She was at the emergency room at least once a week, and admitted to the hospital once a month. She was very angry that she could not live a "normal" life (as she saw it)and was very mad at God for not preventing this happening to her. She rebelled against God, against the disease, and her parents. The doctor told me that I was the closest to her and I would be her main target to direct her anger. I guess b/c I was the one having to make sure she took her injections and done all the other things, trying to keep her alive. In Short, she put our family through hell! So,I truly understand a little bit of what others have to endure when their loved one is "acting out", so to speak.

BTW,the doctors said her organs would be burned up by the time she was 20-25 yrs olds. They did not give us much encouragement at all. So you can imagine my frustration when she would slip out and go to parties, etc., that I knew she didn't need to be. Everything she did was as though she was punishing her own body. She knew she could die at any moment,so she was determine to get as much of life as she could. But she wasn't getting the healthy side of life. It is a miracle that she survived. She has had so many close calls.

The reason I'm telling you the personal stuff is b/c my heart really goes out to you and I wanted you to know why. Your W may not talk about things she's dealing with. She probably needs a professional to help guide her living with the disease, first. You are the closest one to her and I wouldn't be surprised that her anger, bitterness, or other feelings are directed at you. There were days that my D just wanted me to get out of her face and leave her alone. When she saw me...it was a constant reminder about her probable short life span. She would not discuss anything with me. She even stayed at a friends for a few weeks b/c it got so bad between us. She did not know how to face this disease that would not go away (and the doctors told her never to have children b/c she would die and the baby would be deformed....all kinds of horror things.) I did not know how to cope as a parent with this. It took a major toll on my M b/c my H never got involved.Can you believe it? I was the one rushing her to the ER. I was the one that read everyting I could about the disease and what she could & couldn't eat, etc. I had to make sure she got up out of that bed every morning to go to school.....with her fighting me every step of every day. Guess where daddy was? Watching TV, just being his "good ole boy" self. He was the good guy in her eyes b/c he never disciplined her as a child and needless to say....he didn't step up when she was a teenager. He didn't "want" to learn about her disease and left it all up to me. So, daddy was the good parent,and mom was the bad one.

I apologize for taking up your space with so much talk about my story, but I hope it helps you to see my heart and my concern. This is why I am going to make this suggestion to you, okay?

I don't think your M is the core problem for your W. I think she needs a professional who specializes in living with chronic diseases to council & guide her. She needs to go without you, so she will not have her focus and blame toward you and the doctor will make her focus on the core problem. But she doesn't need MC! Somebody who knows how to teach her how to cope. But don't go to MC or a couples therapy, etc. I believe all she's doing is reacting from the hit of the disease. People go through stages. First,they are in denial. Try to block it out. Want it to go away. Then they may get scared. But at some point...they are going to be very angry. Some keep it burried inside and try to cover up when around people....but it's there and it's going to play out in other ways.Adults can act out in rebellion just as good as teenagers.

I think your W really needs a professional who deals with patients who has to live with cancer and who will get her to open up and discuss her fears & disappointments. I believe if she had a good therapist in this field to help her......the MR would be much better.

But right now, she wants to blame somebody for something. Whose her best target?

If she hasn't already done this, she will......get to the point she wants you to just shut up and don't ask her if she remembered to take her medicine or when does she see her doc next,etc. Even though you are trying so hard to be that positive cheerleader.....it is a reminder to her that she's got to live with this cr@p and she can't have kids......aNnd by gosh somebody needs to pay for it! And.....there you are right by her side. The closest to her.

As scary as you might feel doing it...you may need to back off doing anything that draws attention to the treaments,etc. Some days, they just can't deal with it and don't want to hear one word about it. She wants credit for knowing what she needs to do and not "reminded" to take her meds, or asked if she's eaten anything.......all those ways we call ourselves "helping" them. KWIM?

PLEASE, PLEASE, if you can help it.....do NOT let her go to some off the wall "counselor" who barely has a BA, b/c I can tell you from personal experience that they can just make the problems so much worse! It needs to be somebody who specializes with chronical illness.

((hugs))

Thank you Sandi, I really appreciate it. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that without any help. I can't imagine how hard that had to have been. How is your relationship with your D now? Does she recognize how much you cared and all you do for her?

I recognize now that my love and concern was probably seen as pestering or nagging. I was always asking her how she felt and what I could do because it was always on my mind. It kills me that I can't do anything to help. So, yeah, I'm sure I smothered her. My problem is, I don't know how to address the health stuff any other way. If I don't ask, or don't say anything when she complains about feeling crappy, then I feel like she'll think I don't care. Take this morning, for example: she felt sick this morning and was throwing up a little. Do I try to help her? Do I just leave her alone?

She sees a therapist now, but I'm not sure he's the right one. SHe's seen him for years and really likes him, but I don't know that he's helping her deal with cancer. He was the one that told me, "cancer really changes a person. You might not be what she wants anymore." Great, that's exactly who I want in her ear. I don't know that anyone is addressing her anger or coping with the disease.

How do I suggest she go to someone else? Someone more qualified to help address the cancer? It's a touchy subject and even more so now with the D hanging over us.

I'm pretty convinced that our M isn't the problem either. I think she's angry and since I'm the closest thing to her, she resents me and uses me as an outlet for that anger. This is what really scares me and our friends and family (not so much hers). That she's using the marriage as a scapegoat for her unhappiness.

So what do I do about this? Take a step back and wait for her to figure this out? This approach worries me because even in the best of times, she wasn't good at communicating. Neither of us are. So if I take a step back, I'm not sure she will take the steps forward to bring us back together.

How is your relationship with your D now?

It's okay. It saddens me to some degree when or if I allow myself to wonder how different things might have been if she hadn't been sick and I had not have had to be so tough on her. She's been through a lot and I think that's helped her to grow up.



You know, I don't think I've ever asked her that. I think she knows that I did the best I could. I certainly hope she knows it was b/c I loved her so much. I use to tell her that when she was would give me so much grief. The thing that bothers me is that she has lost most of her childhood memories. Doctor say it is due to her diabetes being out of control, brain swealing, etc. Sometimes I wonder if she ever remembers good times or if it's just the bad.

I wished with all my heart I knew the answers you are seeking. But, I don't. I mean....it's like you can't "do" anything right when they are in that angry stage.

The sick people that I have known has told me that they don't want S hovering over them and asking what they can do and if she's alright. It just like it makes them more mad. OTOH, if you ignore her, then she wouldn't like that, either. So, you have to find a balance in there somewhere.

Believe me, I know how desparate you are feeling about all of it. The hardest thing I ever did was when a certain event came and I knew that there was not one thing that Sandi could do. It was completely out of my hands. I had always took care of my D, but she was moving away and from me and I would not be there to see that she was okay. I watched her dive away and I went in my house and fell down in the middle of the floor crying. I told God that I could not bear this and I could not live scared to death to answer the phone and being told that she was dead. That is when I truly put her in God's hands.....and I "had" to trust Him to take care of her. And He did.

That is why I asked before if the two of you believed in God, went to Church, etc. I wouldn't have make it if I had not had my faith. Faith is sorely tested.....but if it wasn't....then it wouldn't be "faith".

I've go to run,but I'll finish later.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I've struggled with my own faith for years and it's never really been a big part of my life. It was always there, I went to church, but it was pretty much just going through the motions. I've decided I'm going to start going to church again. It's obviously an aspect that is missing from my life right now. What have I got to lose right? I might even find some comfort in it.

Thanks for listening and sharing your story with me. It really helps.

((Big Hug))

So a friend of mine gave me the DB book last night and I started reading it. So far, a lot of it is about how divorce is not good and how you usually don't feel any better afterwards. I agree with all of this, I don't think D is the answer and I definitely see life, for both of us, being much worse afterwards.

I know the DB book is for me, not my W, but all of this info is EXACTLY what I want her to know and think about. We haven't had any R talk since she dropped the bomb, so I'm extremely hesitant to bring anything up. Is there any possible way that I can get this info to her without her seeing it as pressure? Or do I just have to wait and HOPE that she comes around?