Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW The cold & cruel truth 2

Sounds like you need to turn it into the bat......man cave. Take personal pictures down except for you & kids. Pack her frilly things and get out the caveman stuff. Make it for the kids.

Yes, I've been slowly going through each room and removing her reminders, rearranging the furniture, etc. I will admit you can only do so much... It helps but you still have those moments (as most here know). I get out more now when the kids are with W and I have been shopping for a new look with help from sis, looking good and I really like it. I'm getting there.

Tonight and tomorrow night is the W's overnight with our 4 kids. She doesn't move into her apt until the 10th, so I either had to let her sleep here with the kids or keep the kids and let her sleep elsewhere. I chose to keep the kids even though it probably allowed her to go out and have a free night on me. I'm sure she's with OM as we speak, but I've given up trying to interfere in her quest for the greener grass.

She was to drop them off at 7p, but I left her a voice message to drop them off at 8p, because I was out and wanted more time. She sent an email saying she had left already and it had been a long day and the kids were exhausted. Then sent another saying how the kids were exhausted and wouldn't stop crying. I was thinking... Ok, be a parent and deal with it! Am a bit irritated, because I feel like I'm bailing her out and she's not able to struggle with the kids as much as I do nearly EVERYDAY. That said, I'd rather they were with me all the time, just want her to be a dang parent instead of getting out of her responsibility ya know.

My W and I have not spoken in probably over a week now, mostly voice messages left or emails sent regarding the kids. When W dropped off the kids, I had just gotten home and had on a new outfit... A new look. I went out to get the kids from the vehicle and handed her some of her mail and the kids folders for Sunday School for the morning when she picks them back up. She didn't say anything about my outfit, but I could tell she was looking. She made a
couple comments about kids as I walked back to the house holding the baby and hugging my son. Off she drove.

Sent an email reminding me to set clocks back tonight, but I did not respond. Oh well... Life goes on.

My W and I discussed through email who will have the kids for the holidays. Sorted it out and no arguments. We did not discuss anything else.

Well she's outside with her family getting her stuff from the garage. I'm not planning on going out there, but I feel like crap seeing it go down. I hate when that sad feeling creeps in.

Although I won't have to deal with her as much now, I do still have to see her nearly everyday to switch the kids. I've appeared new and upbeat for a decent stretch now, but certainly feeling hopeless in private. My W is VERY stubborn, I really believe only a miracle can change things around. I'm still taking everyones advice and trying to detatch, stay positive, and GAL. I realize it may be months or longer before I see a change, or before her interest in OM is over... LONG road ahead!

My W is heartless! Still have not spoken, but I can't believe the way she acts... Like I wronged her! What a sad life... 4 together and it's like she NEVER wants to speak to me again

Well I talked to W's relative today... Was told W went on a date last week. They were disappointed that she was moving so fast. I'm confident she had been dating during our M, even when she claimed she was "trying". I was also told that she is not good with the kids... Was told they know she loves the kids, but she is not very responsible with them. I was already aware of that, as she had clearly not wanted to be a parent for. Sounds like some of the close people in her life are getting upset at even helping her... She was even compared to her mother, since her mother cheated on all of her husbands and left them in a cold and heartless way. Her mother did send an email saying how bad, she felt and that her daughter was making a huge mistake... I thought it was heartfelt, but coming from a master heartbreaker... I had my doubts.

W and I still don't speak much, just short discussion regarding the kids as we load and unload each day. As i've said, it's like I don't exist and don't matter... I'm NOTHING in her world.

Kids are great, I am ok. I can say content and moving slowly forward. Time & Distance helps.

First,
remember the part where you have "no contact"? Okay so let's really do that. Yes she'll see you BRIEFLY when she gets the kids but even then you can let your sister walk them to the car if need be. Second, the KIDS will tell her what fun you all had so no need to worry that she won't know how good your new life is. She'll hear through them about your GAL things. Give it 100 days and see what happens and then YES another 100, and so on. But have a goal of true "no contact".

For all the times she does not have the kids, do not assume she's 1) with OW and or 2) having a great time 3) and NOT missing the kids or feeling guilt.

Stop mindreading. Instead, fill YOUR LIFE WITH GOOD STUFF...
See, the "index" of your happiness is NOT her level of misery. Stop comparing. Just create your own life. It's the only thing you have control of anyhow. I mean, if she wins the lottery will that make YOUR life bad? See what I'm saying? The two things are totally separate.

As for the L, if the L says you can do better and not risk losing the kids, listen!
Otherwise, you've been given a curve ball that you're handling pretty well. Keep going and you'll find yourself in a better spot soon. Thank God there were no fights about the holidays.

And fear not what others think. You have no control over it anyhow, and moreover, as your wife' pathology reveals itself, those friends and family who heard only her side, will start doubting a lot of what she says. Hence the phrase, "time will tell". QUestion is where will YOU be then?
Hopefully busy with your new cool life. Enjoy the weekend!

Thank you 25yearsmic! I was starting to wonder if anyone was reading my posts. Ok I'll take you advice. I have been doing alot for me when I'm not parenting. I've actually been having fun and laughing alot for a change. Things are getting better... I do have the DB & DR books... I started reading the DB book recently. We'll see! My situation is pretty bleak... So I will have NO contact unless absolutely necessary regarding the kids care.

For me, divorce remedy was more specific b/c the first book spent a lot of time on how divorce sucks, which I already knew. But I'm glad you're doing better. Read comedies and guy flicks and get out with some MEN and do manly things.

At the risk of sounding condescending, which is NOT my intent, go out and get your ba##s back. It'll do you good and yes, it's attractive. Not for your wife. For YOU.

Be the best man you can be for YOU...and for the woman down the road who'll benefit greatly by all the wonderful traits you've cultivated & the flaws you've resolved or minimized. That's not to mean be a jerk. See if you can find posts by Robx out there. He's a good one to follow for "manly without being an ass" advice I think. We don't always agree, and it can seem high schoolish at times, but I think a guy needs a guy's imput sometimes. And I think your w's behavior is high schoolish. This "falling" in love as if there's no choice in the matter is Not adult behavior. How tiresome.

You deserve better. Tell yourself that EVERYDAY & believe it. At some point, you'll get it, with or without your w. See if you can "turn over" the pain and anger of your marriage or your marriage in total, over to God. The pain and anger consumed me. It stopped me from being fully present for my kids.
So when I turned it over to God b/c it was just too heavy for me to carry alone, sometimes (often) I would go take back the pain and anger from God. I'd repeat my same stuff all over again.

When I released it for good (for the most part), and didn't backslide for awhile, I noticed my life getting a lot better. A LOT. So turn it over to Him, for real.

Finally I planned for a life without h, but a good happy life. I knew it'd take time but SOME of it was pretty fast. Plan for what a happy life without your w would look like and flesh out the picture in your mind. DETAILS...start with...
MUCH LESS stress at home (as you are noticing already). That's good for the kids. For me, chick flicks? You bet! For you, manly films when the kids are gone and cooler family stuff with only a few explosions and bad guys (but always with heroes)...For me Eating yogurt & salad for dinner? Yeah, if we feel like it. For you? Maybe it's "steak and beer" thank you. For me, No toilet seats left up! Yay!! For you, no feminine hygiene products on the counter? I'm guessing. We all have our little quirks.

Yeah, small stuff at first. But then I got to the bigger upsides. I realized that I could, for the first time in 25 years, move to an area I CHOSE...and not for h's career. SO FREEING....to live anywhere I wanted!

And other men? They didn't frighten me. They intrigued me. They flattered me. I am a good catch and when I REALLY REALLY "got that"...I guess it showed. I looked forward to MOST parts of dating....well

ALl I know is I'm here now. Regardless of whether you and your w reconcile, I feel as if the point of DBing is really US becoming our best selves and liking who we are. Be a man only a fool would leave. If your wife is a fool, so be it. Who needs fools in life?

Good luck

Well W had all 4 kids for the past 2 1/2 days. She didn't conact me at all. I didn't bother her, bit did miss the kids. I thought about calling to say goodnight one night, but didn't.

She just sent me an email asking if she could drop the kids off early on a day this week because she has training. I told her I had plans, which I do not. My thoughts are I'd be rescuing her from her responsibility, which she barely has much now. Right Move?

She got her dad to watch them, I will pick them up there.

No changes. I am tired today, hungry, and just pulled up to the house, where there is nobody home. I will say I am ok today... I remember not too long ago how difficult a situation it was for me. I also know that could change as soon as I walk in.