Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Doing 180, but Husband still researched D

DB,
Thanks for the encouraging words, it's just what I needed right now.

I sent in a offer to volunteer at the rescue that we got our dog from, they need people & I think doing this is a step in the right direction.
I told H about my offer & he got enthusiastic when I told him.
He said that volunteers are important because often it's easier to get donations than free time from people.
He also liked it when I mentioned it would be a great way to meet people who share the same interests as me.
It seems that he's happier that I'm seeking out new friends this way instead of through Meetup.
Could be he was worried what kind of people I would have been meeting?

I'm going to do like you suggest & not beat myself up over my finances.
My credit card debt is under control & I only have two years left on my car.
If I could just get a job & the opportunity to put a big dent in my other debt, I think for my own personal satisfaction I would be in an even better place.

I'm confident the weight will come off, I'm aware of my weakness which is talking myself out of working out, you know the whole "oh it's just one day, it's no big deal."
Nope, I have to do something active EVERY day or else I'll slip back into old habits.
Now it's only new habits, I'm tired of the old me, I want to change for the better.

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read my posts & to respond, just being able to post out my thoughts has been very therapeutic.

You are going to knock this one right out of the ball park.

DB,
I sure hope so!
It's tough to keep my mouth shut, but I promised myself that in order to see a change in my M, I needed to be the change.
As much as I want to stay married to my H, I've also already started to come to the realization that if he truly 100% wants the divorce, I'm going to be okay.
You know why?
Because if he wants to leave, it's HIS loss, not mine, because I know I'll be okay.
You know why I'll be okay?
Because I'll know that with DR & the board's help, I will have done all that I could to save my M.
Thanks again!!!!

Just a quick update to my sitch.
Tonight as I was cooking dinner, H came into the kitchen, was very talkative to me & I made sure to respond positively, BUT not overwhelmingly.
He handed me back the $4 he won from me last week when we played poker & told me he couldn't take my money.
Then he told me "I'll still help pay for your mom's Christmas present. Uhmm, she's been so good to us, I want to make sure we get her a good gift."
I said "okay, thanks for that" & left it at that.
No recent searches for Divorce since he searched on Tues. night.
I'll keep you posted, hoping these baby steps turn into more.

Tell him you want a chance to double your money. Have fun with him.

He got excited b/c he saw you being upbeat about something you will be doing that you love. He came home to find the atmosphere had a different feel. You did that! I believe that women can set the mood in the home. Obviously he responds very well when he sees you projecting excitement, and you probably had just a "new you" attitude he saw shine.
I think it's great!

Don't despair if he says something negative, okay? He might do that, thinking he's "reminding" you of the R problem. But, this month will be full of opportunities to show Christmas fun, and even if you have to put some extra push to act "as if", I think you can be determined to make this month the one he won't forget.

Have you ever observed very elderly people for any length of time? Most of them reflect back to some special memory from the past. So, be that girl he will never forget when he's old (hopefully, you be right there by him), but make memories now.

Be sweet, upbeat, charming, poised, smell good & looking hot...... and stay busy. Give your home a warm glow of Christmas, cheery Christmas music playing in the background, candles lit, and of course decorations. See? You can use this entire month to cook special things and whatever it is "you" like to do that makes you happy b/c that will showin youre eyes and your voice. Gee........I think I'm geting in the Christmas spirit just talking about this.

If he should ask you why you are doing all of that since he's thinking of D, you may tell him that if it's the last Christmas together, you want it to be remembered as warm, friendly, and fun. That may cause him to relax and even get his mind off filing for D. When he sees how thing "can" be at home......he'll want them to continue.

Thanks DB & Sandi!
We had a nice evening last night.
We watched some funny shows & laughed quite a bit, it's been a long time since we laughed like that together.
I will admit I had a minor "slip", but I recovered beautifully from that mistake.
Basically I apologized for some of my past behavior, I told him that I knew that I had over reacted to something, that in my own haste I hope that I did not make him feel as if I saw him in a negative way, therefore making him wonder how his own wife could see him that way.
I didn't get much of a response back, a couple of head nods & "ah hah's", but the most important part was that he did give me his undivided attention while I was talking.
After this we went back to watching out shows, laughing & talking about random things.

We talked about working out, he gave me some helpful pointers, even demonstrated the proper form.
He hasn't commented on my working out, but hopefully he notices since I've been working out every day.

Just now, after reading Sandi's post, I suggested we get a Christmas tree since we've never had one together.
We have a cat & it never seemed practical to get one.
He seems kind of on the fence about getting one, he said "it's too late, it's already Dec. 3rd."
I replied "there aren't even any lots around here yet, but I did see trees at Kroger. I think it would be nice to get a tree."
I did NOT say anything about it starting a tradition.

And to DB, last night I suggested we play poker this weekend & H responded positively.
He said he wants to play, that it gives him lots of practice, but that we have to play for something other than money because he doesn't want to take my money.

We're still sleeping in separate beds, no touching, outside of our hands glancing against each other in the process of getting the dog leashed up.
To me, the not touching is really tough, but you all will be happy to know that I have NOT tried to touch him.

Doing okay so far today.
H & I watched a movie last night, it was nice to laugh together like that.
Tonight he has a school/work function & will be gone all night.
I offered to drop him off & he was happy to take me up on my offer.
He did ask what I wanted for Christmas, I told him I would think about it & get back to him.
Asked about getting a Christmas tree & he doesn't seem into it at all.

Still no affection of any kind, not even so much as a pat on the arm.
I won't initiate contact, it's very difficult since we were very affectionate with one another when things were good between us.

No news on the job front.
My work outs are going very well, I'm happy to say that I've been sleeping better than I have in a long time.
Funny how that works, even my dog is sleeping better.

All in all, with the exception of my work outs, I feel stuck in limbo, not going forward, not going backward.
I'm sticking to my goals & that helps immensely, though I will admit, I honestly do not see there being a R in our future.
My H appears to have made up his mind & if there's one thing I've learned about him, once his mind is made up, nothing can change it, he's as stubborn as they come, believe that.
My GALing was & is 100% for me, if I got my H's attention as a by product, great, if not, then oh well.

Good morning, just checking in to see how you're doing.

Hi Sandi, good morning to you too & thanks for checking in on me.
I'm hopeful because today begins a new week to find a job.
No changes with my H, he's the same, still detached from me, doesn't talk too much, sometimes one word answers, sometimes a whole sentence.

In all honesty, I think I'm going to be one of the people that an R didn't happen for.
Even though he still barely talks to me, I have made an effort to watch TV with him like we used to.
We even watched "The Proposal" together, which was very surprising since he hates most "chick flicks."
We happened upon the movie while he was changing channels & I said it was a good movie, so he kept it on the channel.

He supposedly got me a Christmas present, probably nothing big or expensive, but it's the thought that counts...right?

I'm still focused on my 180, I took yesterday off from working out, H actually was the one to suggest it since I was sore.
Today I follow up with the animal rescue about being a volunteer.

We haven't talked about anything serious, he still sleeps in the guest room.
There was one funny, kind of sad thing that happened.
I dropped him & a friend off for their work/school function & as H was about to get out of the car, we both turned at the same time towards one another.
He oh so very slightly leaned forward, just barely, but enough for me to tell, then he pulled himself back & told me thanks for the ride, I'll see you later.

Saturday night, while he was gone, I read through his old emails & letters to me, I had forgotten how much he poured out to me, how much it seemed he loved me.
I asked myself, was it all for nothing, what happened to THAT man in just a few short years?
Oh well, it is what it is & once my H's mind is made up, nothing but an act of God will change his mind.
That's why we're not going to R, his mind was made up against it, therefore he is going to stick to that path.