You're right,sandi2,the living arrangements are too close but His gone so much at work and school that its almost like he doesn't live there anyway. Besides it seems to work well for the kids for now.
As for dropping the rope for the most part I have. Except for kid related contact I have gotten in touch with him at all and I try to keep that to a bare minimum. The fact he asked us to dinner blew me away.
Another strange thing was when we got there he stayed by the table looking at the menu instead of following the girls to the buffet. I had said I wanted to check the menu first and then went to hang up jackets. Then at dinner He offered to pick up groceries at the military commissary (1/2 hour away) because he would be by there on Wednesday. I made a point of not asking why he was going to be down there. Anyway, that was the evening. It was a nice dinner and I kept my expectations well under control.
As for being tired of the situation, I don't feel that bad about it all the time. I just don't know how to deal with feeling that way occasionally. Is it normal?
Dropping the Rope is more attitude than anything else. I've given this little annology many times and people may be tired of seeing it, but it's my way of giving a picture about it. I had given this to a LBH at the time, so just change places with him in the "story".
I copied & pasted my picture of what dropping the rope would be, but it's JMHO and that's all.
Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels burried into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?
She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?
She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little be so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope.
Unfortunatelly, many men do not drop the rope until they are served with D papers, or file themselves. Then they feel that all is lost in saving the M....so they give up. When they give up.....they drop the rope. Sad, huh? Looking for Help knew the concept of dropping the rope, but he didn't do it until the D had been filed. As you read, his W is doing just like I described in the story.....and yet he is puzzled as to why. Why don't people listen?
How would you act if you and your W were not M? I bet you would find a way to move forward with your life. That is how you need to do now....and not do like Looking for Help and wait until the D before you get the picture.
Pretend that you are a single man. Now, tell me how would you act differently? How would you act around your W if you ran into her in a store or at a friend's house?
As one person described it....it is as though you simply don't give a care what she does any longer. You aren't a jerk to her but you just don't care.....and she can tell. You treat her no differently than a person who means absolutely nothing to you. Of course, most of the LBH's want to argue that point......but that is the problem, and it shows why he can't drop the rope.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That sounds like a good idea. I'll act like he is just the next door neighbor. That and I need to get better control of my financial situation. After Christmas I'm going to tell him that I want my half of the savings put in a seperate account and to deposit what he is giving me each month into an account that I only have access to.
How do you decide when a good time to start paying attention to spouse again? I have practically stopped any sort of contact with my H unless its about the kids but now he seems to be trying to make some sort of contact. He sent youngest over to ask me and older daughter to dinner. He also sent emails about getting a ladder for my dad to use and about going to the commissary to pick up stuff I might need. I don't know if the distance I've created is causing this or if he misses us since he moved out more than he thought he would. Advice would be appreciated. Its only been a couple of weeks.
Go slow--test the waters. Don't seem eager. Show about half as much enthusiasm as he does. Answer later than you normally would, be less predictable in your timing and your responses.
Thanks for the response dbmod. I thought that might be the right thing to do but I wasn't sure if I should have shown any interest at all or not. One of the things my H said before he moved out was that he was going the see if anyone here cared about him or not.
I have another question. What does the WAS get from moving out? My H is right next door for example. Is it just being in his own space without me to tell him how to do things? He said at one point he was just tired of hearing me complain so much. Since he said that a few months before he moved out I stopped complaining to him. I don't know if he even noticed. He also said that nothing in the house was his. That is true but a lot of stuff was acquired after we got married so technically it wasn't mine either. Though I think he sees it that it was stuff I picked out so he had no say in it. He does seem to come over here almost daily but doesn't stay very long. I don't know if the house makes him uncomfortable or not. I just feel like if I knew some of his thinking on these things I could approach my interactions with him better.
Hmmm. That's a good question. You can't really read his mind, but just speculating that it may help to have his own space, his own cave that he can just get away.
Does he ever say he feels he's being controlled by you?
Yes he did actually. I asked him once a couple of months ago what he disliked about me and it was that I had to be in control of everything. I think even that though wouldn't have bothered him as much if I hadn't been so rejecting for so long. So I am working on both. He did say last night that would could start working on things and that I could start coming over after the kids are in bed so we can spend some time alone.
Ask him, listen well and act to get rid of all the "stuff" in the way. He maybe does't care for loud colors, flowers, frills, ornaments, lace -all these are useless that you for without his consent. And maybe your choice of friends.
