Well i confronted her about what i had been told about the om> She of course denied it fully and wanted to know who hated her bad enough to be spreading lies about her. I said this person didnt hate her they just though it was wrong for her to be doing it using my car and my money when she doesn't have a job. We went back and forth about it as well as the little trashy 23 year old slut she in running with. She claims in just mad cause i cant control her and that she financially woke up and realized she didn't have to live like this. She said she will borrow the money from her dad for a divorce. I said i love u and want to work through this but if you dont want to there is nothing i can do and for her to do what she thought was right. I am cutting all contact with her from this point forward. If she loves this other guy he can have her it isn't worth my sanity. He is a little skinny ass 23 year old kid. Im not threatened in the least for some reason. I am a 6-00 225 lb cop. I workout regularly and am an ex college football player. im not competing with someone like him.
"In counseling i learned a possibly had a sex addiction and am currently taking medication. It has helped and other women are not a problem."
So the issue has moved from being a sexual one.. to being a controlling thing. What aspects of her life were you trying to control? Why did you feel you needed to control those things?
"She say i am the one that cheated and that she has been faithful for our entire relationship and she doesn't deserve this."
Just because she never cheated.. does not entitle her to lay all the blame on you. I feel fairly confident that you could list areas she was lacking also. This is not a competition. It is not tit-for-tat. No one should be keeping score. That statement is for you. DO NOT use those words near her at anytime in the near future.
"i feel she hasn't been able to love me cause of the other women and the jealous behavior and there is a trust issue."
Cheating does create a trust issue. It (cheating) typically does not create jealousy. What can you do now to build trust? What did you do after therapy to try and build trust?
"I wanna show her i can make her happy but i dont feel i can do it with us living apart."
Personally.. I think you both need a break from each other.
Here is what I want you to do...
Give me a post telling me about you. What your hopes and dreams were/are. I don't want you to give away too much info..
The kicker is you need to leave your wife, your marriage, and your kids out of this post.
"I never responded to that message but i know we dont have the money to file and i dont want to encourage her to file."
No matter the situation.. let her move the D forward. If she wants it.. let her take the action. You don't have to respond in any way. Is that clear? You can say.. that is not what I want and hang up the phone if she is talking to you. If it comes in a text form just ignore it. She wants it.. let her do it! You just sit on your hands and keep your mouth shut. I am being redundant so you understand how important this is right now. Any questions?
"i just panic when she says negative things about our marriage and i know i have to stop feeding into her negativity."
This is where your work starts. This is the 2nd most important thing. Trust me.. you are going to be tested. Do you understand the idea behind GAL? If you do.. jump to it. If you don't ask me to explain.
"I ask her what changes i needed to make and she provided a list but said there was two much to change and that she would be crazy to take me back as miserable as i make her."
Do you remember the list? Do you remember the order that they came out in?
Stop doing that!! Well stop arguing too.. but stop indicating that you are making a change with your words. Show her. Your goal is within the next month you want to hear the words "Wow" from her used in a positive light. Not "Wow you are a smug as$hole". I am half inclined to tell you to just stop talking all together. Keep your mouth closed as much as possible. Nod a lot.. smile.
"Yesterday i get a call from a girl that says my wife is seeing another man and that her friend was covering for her."
I need a solid answer here. Is her having a EA/PA a deal breaker for you? Understand I am going to hold you to what you respond. If you tell me "I don't know." I am going to assume that it is not.. and I am going to work from there. So the answer must be YES/NO/I don't know. Nothing more.. nothing less.
"Im living proof u dont know what u got till u lose it."
If she came back right now.. you would be right back here soon. You are hyper-focused right now.. give it some time.. lets get some ground work done.. and see where that takes us.
I am not going to lie to you.. you have so many things that are going on.. this is going to be hard!!
Just answer the questions.. keep posting.. "something" will happen.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Forest Gump: My hopes and dreams are to continue advancing my career and education i feel u can never go to far in the career field. I have certain goals as far as weight training I would like reach. I wanna advance my salary. Become a better person all around to all people not be such an A$$hole.
I understand what get a life is, but please explain to me your version.
If she came back after an alleged ea/pa i honestly don't know if it would be a deal breaker due to the fact i did the same thing. She denies it to the hilt and I am asking no more about it whether she is or isn't is nothing i can control at this point.
Yes i have her list of changes and am starting today on changing them. Ive texted her so much over the last 2 months that i have drove her away and i believe pushed her to the divorce lawyer. Just hope i haven't done to much damage as she has said if there had been any chance of you coming back you have blown it with your behavior since we separated and that she is sick of me talking down to her.
1: Don't be controlling. 2: Don't worry about who is on her phone before she picks it up. 3: Don't be an [censored]. 4: Don't text other women at all. 5: Don't yell at everyone all the time. 6: Don't assume stuff. 7: Don't obsess over stuff. 8: Don't be compulsive.
she text and said i am so tired of this, i getting out asap. i said i dont want this and left it at that. i want so bad to beg or explain but i gotta do this. Scared to death the papers will come next.
"1: Don't be controlling. 2: Don't worry about who is on her phone before she picks it up. 3: Don't be an [censored]. 4: Don't text other women at all. 5: Don't yell at everyone all the time. 6: Don't assume stuff. 7: Don't obsess over stuff. 8: Don't be compulsive."
Are you sure this was the list and the order that she said them? If it was then I think your ear is screwed up. Women.. typically are not that redundant in their complaints.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
The relationship with the stepson was good until he reached his teenage years. He became disrespectable towards and developed a very smart mouth. When I attempted to disiplined him the W intervenes. If I tried to spank him he fights back and she intervenes. He makes the comment ill will be gone out of the house before he is and he has told my 11 year old now that I'm gone he is the man of the house.
As far as the list goes those are her exact words.
She has a OM. Probably just an EA right now, maybe PA.
Shocked,
Rather than reinforce the insecure side of a DBer, please offer solutions for bringing more love into the relationship, offering hope and encouragement. THAT is how we DB.
dbmod its fine i cheated on my wife so i am fully prepared for the consequences. Now is he having a ea/pa who knows i confronted her and she wants to know who hates her bad enough to be spreading lies about her. She fully denies there is another man so i take her word for it keeping on at her about it isn't gonna help matters. I simply told her if there was i hope he makes u happy and takes care of you cause u deserve it.
