The list of changes relates to your A's. When you were having them, you were in control. Your W was second to your OW. You controlled the situation. But when your W is out getting a life and moving on now, you don't like that it's out of your control.
"i have to much to change and she would be crazy to take me back and later said she isnt taking me back"
And she would be right. How long have you actively been implementing your changes? Every time you blow up or accuse her of something, that sets the progress back to zero. What changes have you made and how consistent have you been with them?
Have you taken real responsibility for what had happened before? Resentments can grow and fester if they aren't addressed right when they happen.
After your second A, how was your attitude and behavior? Be honest.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
been implementing them for about 2 months during the second separation. Yes i have taken responsibility for what ive done but i cant change what happened only insure it will never happen again. I have always been controlling and jealous due to the activities i have engaged in. i saw how easy it was for me to get another mans wife therefore it scares me with her even though she says i have never done anything to u and have been faithful for 13 years,
"Yes i have taken responsibility for what ive done but i cant change what happened only insure it will never happen again."
Two months is a pretty short time when you look at everything overall. And as I mentioned, each time you are questioning her and showing your controlling behavior, you are back at square one. I'm sure after the first one you assured her that it wouldn't happen again. But it did. Right now she has absolutely NO assurances that the same isn't going to happen again. You've proven that.
"she says i have never done anything to u and have been faithful for 13 years,"
And she was right.
Right now the only footing I see you having is to keep your changes consistent. When you interact with her, do not show anything that is controlling. Start by asking for her opinion of things no matter how small. Show that you are actually listening to her and that what she says actually matters to you.
I don't mean going overboard and do whatever she says, but if you strike the right balance, maybe, just maybe she'll get to that tipping point where she'll start thinking that maybe you really have changed.
"but i was still controlling and analyzed everything she did but i could do whatever i wanted."
Give her that same freedom.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I have given her that. But right now she dosnt talk to me and may never again ever though a few of her friends have told me to just give her time that she loves me and misses me.
i know what i have to do, its very difficult but i know what i have to do and i dont expect her to just forget about my affairs of actions. i know i can change just feel hopeless that she will notice it
"i know i can change just feel hopeless that she will notice it"
Make the changes because they will make you a better person. Not because it's to get your W back. If you're doing it for that, the changes will not stick because they will be superficial.
It's also pursuing and makes it seem insincere. When you stop wondering if your W will notice them, they become LIFE changes and NOT WIFE changes.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Put your focus, squarely, one hundred percent, on working to become a man of integrity and consistency. Use the time you have apart from her to devote your energies to worrying about you and how you can make both you and the life you live the best it can be.
This is not some smarmy feel good commercial we are talking about. Your wife has legitimate issues with you. Honest and lasting changes in your character and behavior are going to speak to her much more loudly than doing anything to make her notice you.
She doesn't want you to change. She wants you to continue reinforcing all the reasons in her head that she has to end your relationship. Every single time you press her, ask her leading questions, tell her how you feel, try to get her attention, do something that doesn't seem genuine, you are simply being the man she knows you to be.
What would be a true, radical change?
Leaving her alone.
Acknowledging that you don't deserve her,that she is right to expect peace and happiness in her life, that she is allowed to pursue those things how she chooses. Ultimately, showing her though your LACK of words to her that you respect her desire to make her own decisions.
Stop talking.
Start showing.
And do it whether she is looking or not.
Count the relationship as lost and answer the question, "What will you do now?"
That will put you onthe right track.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Put your focus, squarely, one hundred percent, on working to become a man of integrity and consistency. Use the time you have apart from her to devote your energies to worrying about you and how you can make both you and the life you live the best it can be.
This is not some smarmy feel good commercial we are talking about. Your wife has legitimate issues with you. Honest and lasting changes in your character and behavior are going to speak to her much more loudly than doing anything to make her notice you.
She doesn't want you to change. She wants you to continue reinforcing all the reasons in her head that she has to end your relationship. Every single time you press her, ask her leading questions, tell her how you feel, try to get her attention, do something that doesn't seem genuine, you are simply being the man she knows you to be.
What would be a true, radical change?
Leaving her alone.
Acknowledging that you don't deserve her,that she is right to expect peace and happiness in her life, that she is allowed to pursue those things how she chooses. Ultimately, showing her though your LACK of words to her that you respect her desire to make her own decisions.
Stop talking.
Start showing.
And do it whether she is looking or not.
Count the relationship as lost and answer the question, "What will you do now?"
That will put you onthe right track.
Blessings,
Bill
Exactly. With an emphasis on:
Put your focus, squarely, one hundred percent, on working to become a man of integrity and consistency. Use the time you have apart from her to devote your energies to worrying about you and how you can make both you and the life you live the best it can be.
Thanks for the advice its just very difficult sometimes not to call her especially on the weekends. Thinking of her with someone else kills me even though she says there is no one else. I feel guilty for feeling that way esp since i hurt her with an affair. I just never saw hurt from her about the affair just anger doesn't seem the least bit unconcerned that our marriage and family of 13 years is crumbling.
