Really just do what is best for you. I completely understand how you feel. I still feel that H has a lot of power with me and S as well, but it is starting to fade. At the beginning, I did feel completely powerless because all of this was happening to me and I couldn't stop it, he could.
I really do understand where you are at and sympathize for you, but it will get better. Just keep doing what you feel is best.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
Ok, I need talking down. My h moved out 4 weeks ago. We have not had any R talk since he moved out. We had one argument about my son possible being around ow, but other than that we don't talk except for my son. He looks depressed, but I know that I am mind reading and could be way off base. Today he came to pick up my son. It was hard b/c my son was so excited to go with him. I know it is his dad, and i don't want him not to be excited I guess, but I hate how he says "go to daddy's house?" and is happy about it. I hate that daddy has a house. Then my h asked me how I wanted to do Christmas. I said I didn't know yet. This really set me off, I hate that we are having to decide how to split our son's day on Christmas. I kept it together until he left and then I cried for a long time. I want to ask him again if he is sure this is what he wants to do. He does not seem happy, and I know that I am not. I know I should not ask him, but how will he know the possibility is still there if I don't? Again, I know I should not do this...please just help me remember why so I can talk myself out of it.
I know I should not ask him, but how will he know the possibility is still there if I don't? Again, I know I should not do this...please just help me remember why so I can talk myself out of it.
It's the same principle as "reminding" the WAS that you love them. Every time you do that--it pushes them farther away. Your H does not need you to ask him questions he's already heard.
I can only imagine how bad it upsets you when your little boy gets excited about going to your H's house. However, I'm sure he doesn't understand why his parents are apart and daddy has a different house. Daddy probably entertains him and spends more time with him than in the past. Truth be known, "that" is why is gets happy about going.
I would feel the same way about exposing OP to my child. I have read the agony LBS's go through when this is done. Is OM living with your H? Sorry, I got behind on your thread. I'll try to catch up.
I'm not that good at talking folks down, but just remember that when your H is angry at you....for any reason.....that will keep him from reconciling sooner. Make the reconciling your big picture (if you want to save the M).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If you have decided to use dropping the rope principal, then I would suggest you try to think of how you would respond if he was a distant relative or a co-worker. In other words, your emotions would not be the same.
Something I notice a lot in posts by LBS is how they feel they have to check on the child when the other S has them. No offense, but if I suspect that that is an "excuse" for contact, don't you think he might wonder the same? Another thought is that he might not answer your call b/c it is saying you don't trust him to care for your S.
Sandi, I thought about that also, Whenever i have the baby, she always calls the night before or the next morning. But i am the LBS, any insite?
M - 42 W - 41 Married 9 years July 24, 2010 WAW moved out 8-9-10 2nd Marriage for Both S 2 SS 13 from W first Marriage
I am having such a hard time with both of these b/c of my son. I am so angry that I feel we took away the life he deserved to have - one with a family together. I am mad that I didn't have any choice in that. When I made the choice to get pregnant I did it with the belief that neither my husband and I thought of divorce as an option. Not even 1 full year into my son's life this affair began. I am scared as to how this will affect his life. I don't know how to see WH twice a week and discuss with him issues pertaining to my son without all of the anger being there.
I have the same feeling, except no anger just shame and disappointment. My wife is a teacher as well as a devout Christian.
M - 42 W - 41 Married 9 years July 24, 2010 WAW moved out 8-9-10 2nd Marriage for Both S 2 SS 13 from W first Marriage
I honestly don't know what their status is at the moment. He moved out because I caught him breaking NC for the 2nd time since d-day. I know from a source that they hang out together at work all of the time, and he would not confirm or deny that she hangs out at his apartment. Since that blow up 2 weeks ago I have really just stopped trying to find out. I know that you are right it is better not to say anything. I just want the pain to start diminishing and it has been really bad the last few days. I know that healing my marriage, and even just healing myself will take time. I am hoping maybe after the holidays are over I will feel a little bit better.
Also does dropping the rope apply here, when we do talk on the phone about the baby or she calls, i always say good morning, and have a good day, i have the mindset it is filling her love bank just a little each time and compliment her when i do see her. This morning she called about the baby, and i said have a good day, and for the first time she said "you too" Of course i am probably trying to read too far into this.....
M - 42 W - 41 Married 9 years July 24, 2010 WAW moved out 8-9-10 2nd Marriage for Both S 2 SS 13 from W first Marriage
I need to review your thread, but IMO, if you are in contact...that is not being "dark". One can be detached without being dark.
I believe that any pursuing the WW is not good b/c of her mindset. Filling her tank would have been wonderful before you reach the point of her walking out. After that point, IMO, things need to be done completely different. For example, bending over to be nice....like saying "have a good day", is too much. I know, it sounds like good manners but to a WAW....it's too much. Giving her compliments can surely be seen as pursuing. Those things either put pressure on her or it turns her off. You don't want to do either.
One can be friend-ly without being their best friend. For sure, don't gush over her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
