So........at work today, got an interesting view into the mind of a real WAW (don't know if she's an MLCer or not) and I want to tell you about it here.
About 3 weeks ago I evaluated a 40 something woman with chronic pain. I'm going to refer to her as WAW. In our clinic, patients who have a lot of stress, anxiety, or depression are often referred to one of our psychologists because these factors can aggravate pain. Well, today WAW had her first session with a psychologist and afterward, the psychologist told me about their convo.
WAW met her current BF at work somewhere on the west coast. They were co-workers, both M'ed to other people. They decided they wanted to be together and D'ed their spouses. Her BF's XW moved to my state with their children. BF wanted to be near his children, so WAW and BF moved to my state. WAW left her own 2 children with XH on the west coast and never sees them. WAW put ~$60K down to buy the house that she and BF live in. WAW has had trouble holding down a job since arriving here (BF does have a job), so she is currently unemployed. BF pays the mortgage payments but is resentful that WAW doesn't have a job. WAW is resentful that BF didn't contribute to the downpayment for the home they live in. WAW thinks BF's children are brats. WAW was taking antidepressants, but BF doesn't want her to take drugs, so she quit taking the antidepressants.
She is one of these people in whom you can sense anger lying just beneath the surface. She has no self-awareness and takes no responsibility for anything that she does that contributes to her chronic pain (e.g. habits). So 2-3 years after WAW and BF left their Ms, they are both still miserable. (No big surprise, I know --- GAG crosses her eyes. Duhhh!!!!!!!)
Here's the part I found fascinating..............the psychologist said that WAW sees herself as a victim. WAW has engineered all of this and left a path of destruction..and SHE SEES HERSELF AS A VICTIM!.......and that's why she is angry and doesn't see a need to take control over factors in her life that are making her unhappy (i.e. behaviors that contribute to her chronic pain, unemployment, depression). Psychologist said that this WAW probably will probably become more deeply depressed in the next couple years.
Regarding your feedback above........thank you everyone!!!!!!!! Very busy couple days earlier this week. Had a tire blow out on the freeway while driving to work (4 new tires now) and found out that a giant 100 year old tree in the middle of my patio (12 feet from my house) may be splitting. In the process of collecting opinions from the pros on this. This will be expensive. Ughhhh!!!!!!!
I am flying to Chicago tomorrow morning to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family and won't have a chance to respond to everyone's fabulous feedback until I return.
Holidays are difficult around here but get a bit easier as time passes. My best wishes to everyone here for a blessed Thanksgiving. We have MUCH to be thankful for if we stop for a moment to count our blessings.
Lots of interesting reading here, GAG. My brain is still like mush following surgery so I am just reading along but wanted you to know I am here and sending you best wishes.
Thank you VERY much for your posts. Your support and insights are VERY much appreciated.
Seeking, CW, and Mila, I'm VERY happy to share info from my coaching session. I hope that you find some of those insights useful.
Missher, congratulations on your new job!!!!!!! It sounds as though it has taken some of the pressure off you. Now you can breathe a bit more easily.
I have read your post several times in the last week and, as always, really appreciate your perspective.
Originally Posted By: missherlove
....your XH sounds like a "nice guy" so telling her (GF#2) to hit the road would likely hurt her and he is not going to do that without a good reason.
I think I need to familiarize myself with the "Mr. Nice Guy" concept so I can be aware of it in the future. I would think that the principles would probably apply to women too.......just guessing. I haven't read the book, although many here refer to it.........I DID note when watching XH's interactions with his sister a few weeks ago that he really is NOT good as asking for what he wants. I was able to see it more clearly when I watched their communication from the outside. XH seemed to be frustrated with his sister for not helping more with his mother, but I don't think he asked her directly to do more. He just made snide comments in text messages to me about it and acted quietly angry with his sister to the point that X-SIL commented on it. It gave me some peace to see that XH has difficulty communicating clearly and directly. Made me feel like it wasn't only me that miss/missed the message in H/XH's communication.
Originally Posted By: missherlove
I want to remind everyone that most people in dating situations leave one partner for another and the relationships overlap. It is a fact.......accept it.
Thank you for putting this so plainly. Yes, in my experience many people operate this way.
Originally Posted By: missherlove
You are going to have to initiate again. If his sexual needs are being satisfied with GF#2 and he is enjoying a more emotionally and intellectually stimulating R with you, then you need to let him know that you are a "one stop shop".............I am going to tell you right now, this is not going to happen if you are waiting on him to make the move......What do you have to lose ???
I think this is "right on", and being female, I REALLY appreciate hearing that a man feels this way too (Sorry, but you're mysterious creatures).
So....you inspired me and I have begun to focus on flirting. Haven't played TT for 2 weeks because of the Thanksgiving holiday, but I have made some baby steps in texts and emails. For example, last week I visited X-MIL and saw a grade school photo of XH on her kitchen table (he was cute!). I took a photo of it and texted it to XH with the words "Wanna meet behind the Jungle Jim at recess?". XH didn't respond but the next day emailed me "you're at the airport having been pat down by some guy who says "do you think I LIKE brushing along some cute girls bust….er, did I say cute"?"...........so his response was uncharacteristically $exual. Makes me think I planted a seed.........
I didn't email XH about TT this week because I was waiting to see if he would (it's been 2 weeks). Yesterday he e-mailed me "TT is off this week on account of slipping on the ladder this weekend putting up my Xmas decorations!".......It's interesting that he assumed we had a weekly game since we never formalized this. Anyway, I responded "Hope you didn’t hurt your bum........BTW, massage works well for a sore "bum". ;-)". Then, taking Jody's advice I said "about TT next week, I need to take a rain check. My dance card is full all next week.......you know,......holiday stuff. .....I can play Dec 15th if you wanna schedule that day."............XH replied ".......it was my ankle, not me butt! But…thanks for asking!" XH put this at the start of his email so my "bum" talk caught his attention.
I have also started signing emails using the first letter of my first name ("G"). This was our intimate way of signing notes to one another. XH never stopped signing this way after the D but I stopped doing this right after the D. All of these things are a change for me after playing it safe for so long. I feel like it's "now or never" and I am ready to push the envelope a bit. I often took the lead in making $exual overtures in our R so I agree with you MHL and LR, that this time will most likely be no different.
GAG - wow...lots of flirting going on...and I think that the response from XH is good...he sure seems to notice and replies to it in his emails.
Interesting what you said that you were were often the initiator when it came to intimacy... so it seems logical that this is the way he is wired...he may need you to approach.
You are doing everything you can girl....crossing my gingers, and toes that this works
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Yes, "No more Mr. Nice Guy" might give you insight into how so many men are literally "scared" to say what they want or go after what they want......it is a real problem and I believe at the heart of many a failed marriages.
Enough of that........EXCELLENT work on the flirting!!!
You and Mr. GAG sound smarter than the average bear ;), sometimes the intellectuals can "talk" themselves right out of a good time.....know what I mean????
Don't over analyze things, keep the convo light, fun and flirty!!! I like the fact that you guys are going to have to wait to play TT....time for the sexual tension to build!!!!
Oh and you might respond to the ankle injury with " too bad your bum wasn't hurt because I just read up on giving good bum rubs" oh well????
You're a smart lady....keep the flirty texts going and see what happens.
Keep us posted......oh yeah its almost Little Friday......Cheers!!!!
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Hey everybody! Look at me! I just got a gold star from Missher!!!!!!!!!!!! (GAG turns around and flips her hair smartly)...........Oooooooccccchhhhh!!!!! I think I just hurt my neck. ........Need practice.
(GAG turns around and flips her hair smartly)...........Oooooooccccchhhhh!!!!! I think I just hurt my neck. ........Need practice. 