Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Need Help on a Decision Fast

Good -
Since my H filed for D on November 2nd I have complied with the court ordered paperwork. I still have no idea what he is seeking but I don't think it will be anything grand - he just wants his freedom. I am not contesting the D at this point - however I have no intention of signing D papers. It's a personal thing for me - he still gets his D by default. Financially I can take care of myself and my kids. Would have been a lot nicer with two incomes but it is what it is. I think you have to search your soul for your comfort level on this.
IB

I think IB and I did the same thing--I didn't contest the D, nor did I sign D papers, because he still gets his divorce by default. The court assumes I comply by my NOT signing anything.

We had already done a separation agreement, which I initiated, and he signed that, so our asset distribution is already laid out in a plan that is now filed with the court. He has to get a lawyer to carry out the terms of the SA but none of it can change without both of our consent.

To me, you do what you have to to protect yourself financially. You can't give in on that in hopes of hoping the person comes back because you've "played nice" or given things up. But if you aren't in favor fo the divorce and wanting to stand for the marriage, find out exaclty how much you can just NOT do anything--not respond if possible, and see if the divorce occurs by default. Then you've stood for your beliefs but you haven't stood in your spouse's way. It's a fine line but I think it helps you maintain your integrity provided you can legally walk that line.

Thanks everyone. I did have to contest the D because my Lawyer said it would hold things off for a while until we go to our hearing on the 16th for benefits. H wanted to drop me off of his benefits so I have to take him for spousal and more child support.

This I will get spousal support longer by contesting and also standing for my M. I know it will be up to H in the end, just hoping he gets more time to really think about what he is doing.

When he filed he did it the day after our last hearing (I didn't go, my lawyer went) because H thought he could just drop my benefits and I would have to pay for my own. I can't afford things now, so that is why the hearing is continued.

Plus there is property that needs to be dealt with etc. I don't want the house if we don't reconcile, I can't afford it anymore. Was just holding onto it hoping he was coming home some day. He called and said he was sorry for the benefit thing but I think it's just because of the money he will have to pay, spousal if he does drop me. A close friend of mine thinks that he regrets signing the papers and did it out of anger and his family pushing him to file.

In my state you either have to contest or agree, and I don't agree that our M is irrevabilty broken, as far as M counseling I don't know what to do there either. H doesn't believe in counseling either even though he has been told by 3 different Dr.s that he needs to go and to go on AD's again. So I'm still undecided there.

Just praying that H comes through with his real feelings some day.

Thanks again

Sounds like you are protecting yourself and standing for your beliefs, so that's great.

As far as counseling, my psychiatrist says that the worst thing to do is push someone into counseling who does not agree to it or who seems antagonistic. It backfires every time, according to her. I don't know how others feel, but that's her opinion. She says it is never one person's right to make another face things they don't want to face in a counseling situation--sure we can ask and suggest, that's fine, but forcing never works. The best thing you can do is go yourself--be a role model--it will help you, and that's the most important thing. Sometimes they go after they see that we benefit from it--my H did not--he still says that's "my" way of handling life but not "his." But my H can be quite stubborn...

AntoniaB,

Thanks for letting me know what your psychiatrist said. I never knew that. I don't think my H would go either, I might ask when or if the courts suggest it but I know he is stubborn also.

We went years ago, and we only went twice and he said he didn't need someone else telling us how to handle our problems. So he tells everyone we already tried M counseling, which we didn't because he never gave it a chance. And also that the counselor was making him the bad guy (which he just said a few weeks ago when we were talking).

Good,

Antonia is spot on. Unless they seek out the counseling, it probably won't work. Counseling (both IC and MC) is about looking at yourself and working on yourself. Sounds like he's not ready to do that if he still feels he was being attacked by the MC. All you can do is be a role model. Everyone is different but my H flat out told me that it was my visible growth that made him start to question whether the actions he was taking were correct. Time will tell where my sitch ends but I know that the growth he saw was real and continues to be real. Keep focusing on yourself since that's all you can truly change.

My H and I did MC prior to our first split years ago. All it did for my H was give him someone else to hide from. He quit going after he moved out that time, but I kept going. After I started to get my life back together and move on he came back. My mistake then was thinking 'thank goodness that is over' and moving on with our M. We still had a lot of work to do, but got gaught up in falling back in love.

I have become a real believer that IC is way more productive than MC in the kind of situations I and others here go through. There is just so much to come to terms with individually before you can be ready to deal with anyone else.

Just my .02

Thanks everyone, I go to IC but I won't push MC on H. He has been communicating not about D or M or reconciling but about our D14 n other stuff and joking around.

I just don't know if it is because he feels he might have filed for the D following our last child support hearing out of anger the following day, or if it is cause our child support hearing was continued till the 15th, or if he is peaking out of the fog.

This is so confusing. And I know that MLC is confusing and so is depression but I just wish I knew why, he called and left me a message Friday night about his phone and then he called 2 hours later but didn't leave a message.

I was so sick on Sat night, so I texted him and asked if he could please take our D14 to ccd class but no response till the next afternoon saying he was sorry and that he just got my text cause his phone broke and had to get a new one.

What does it mean when a MLC'er says after you have been together a few times during a separation that they can't meet with you in person? Anyone?

It's like he is afraid to meet in person alone for some reason and I don't know why.

He's going into the withdrawal stage where he starts re-evaluating if what they are doing (with you) is the "right" thing to do.

Shrug it off and say "okay". Then continue on with your life. He will start coming to you again. This cycle happens quite often until they start coming out of the fog.

My W is the same way right now. When we're together, we're great. But then during the weekend, she start withdrawing and doesn't contact me. After awhile I learned not to take it personally and to remind myself that it isn't about me, but her.

Once you tell your H 'okay' and not contact him, don't be surprised if he starts wondering why you said it was alright so easily.