What I gathered from that is that.. it worked.. but you don't trust it yet. You find yourself wanting to jump back in with both feet. Don't. Not quite yet. Just keep on.. keeping on.
"Q3:I believe he is committed to going to counseling. I also know he can be very resistive during the process too."
Hence my comment above. When very resistive goes away.. then we change things.
"Q4: PA... deal breaker... don't know."
You need to think about this.
Do you know what your LL(Love Language) is?
"Q5: Job #1: Taking care of me and my kids."
It was a loaded question.
Smile was the right answer.
Does taking care of you and the kids make you smile?
"After being passive all these years, being a leader will be tough for me. This is not the first time today I've been told this either. Different context though. Message from God perhaps."
I am not God. I am just someone who believes that leaders show up at the right time. That leader has to understand that.. people who follow.. you might pay attention to them.
"He says that I don't know how to love him and he doesn't know how to love me. He says we are never on the same page and don't even seem to have the same values. He says he only married me because I got pregnant with our children. He says that he isn't in love with me. He says we are too different. I know he is looking for every single wrong he can to justify leaving."
So.. I think you just said.. You are smarter than him?
Did God give you that talent?
Or.. did you just learn it all on your own? *
"I on the other hand say that my husband hasn't learned to forgive and move on, he is bitter and does not know how to distinguish from major issues to minor, he lacks understanding, is controlling, is selfish, is critical and immature when it comes to marriage. His perception about marriage is all wrong. I know because I have been cramming the truth about marriage for a few weeks now."
Stop. Don't do this!!
10 words.. or less.. explain what he is missing.
"In our marriage, I have never felt important to my husband. I have always felt insecure and unsafe."
So.. again.. define what it would take for all that to go away.
"I am overtouched and absolutely need a break."
Here is a good one for you.. What is his LL?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
"He says that I don't know how to love him and he doesn't know how to love me. He says we are never on the same page and don't even seem to have the same values. He says he only married me because I got pregnant with our children. He says that he isn't in love with me. He says we are too different. I know he is looking for every single wrong he can to justify leaving."
So.. I think you just said.. You are smarter than him?
Did God give you that talent?
Or.. did you just learn it all on your own? *
No, I don't think I am smarter than him. (Some of my post was edited.) I just believe he is looking for all the negative stuff he can in our relationship. That's all. However, after reading the DR/DB book it did say the spouse who wants to leave will look to all that is wrong in a marriage.
I asked him what specific complaints he had about me. I haven't had a responce yet. I asked for them via e-mail so that he would have to write them out.
In my opinion, what he is missing is really no different in what I am missing. There is a lack of communication, lack of respect, forgivenss from past hearts that were not reconciled and not making the other feel important. Its all a build up from our past,and miss-understandings about marriage/relationships. At least according to the DB/DR books.
In order for these things to go away, we certainly need to show our love and appreciation through the LL. Mine is words of affirmation and gifts. His LL is physical touch and quality time. Also, if we spent some time learning the truth about marriage, communication and forgiveness I believe our marriage wouldn't have ended up here. We need to listen and respect eachothers' opinions and work at finding resolutions together, instead of giving up. This alone is just for starters.
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
[quote=Forrest Gump]"Q1: Rehtorical question right..." There is a lack of communication, lack of respect, forgivenss from past hurts that were not reconciled and not making the other feel important.
Fixing typo.
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
Monday: A difficult day. My H came to me and began talking about the marriage. He said some really hurtful stuff. I had to leave to get my son from the bus stop and told my husband I had to go. He wanted to talk more that evening, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea and I would only do so through marriage counselor.
Tuesday AM: My h came into my daughter's room where I was sleeping and said that he wasn't going to file for the divorce. He just wanted some time to think things over. I asked if I could hug him; I told him thank you.
That evening he said he would still be moving out, but felt the marriage counseling would be good for our family. I supported his decision to move.
Wednesday: My H came home and announced he had found an apartment not too far away and had signed a contract on it. My heart fell. The kids wanted to see it; he asked if I would like to come. As hard as it was for me to go, I did. I said nothing but positive things about the apartment and his moving into it. I forced my smile. I mustured all I could to show my support for his decision. Afterwards, he went out with the kids to look for furniture; he purchased beds. That evening he helped me cook dinner and called me his pet nickname. We talked and it was positive and productive. I cried and he hugged me and said we coulod work this out. I rubbed his back that evening and one thing led to another. That evening, we were physically intimate.
Thursday: My H sent me a text accusing me of overspending for X-mas. I replied that I had not and if he wanted me to reimburse him some of the money I would. He replied that it was fine. We would be ok.
Lunch Time: Left my lunch at home, so I drove home to get it. My H was still at home. He announced he wasn't getting the apartment as he could not afford it and it would be financial suicide to do so. He then proceeded to apologize for all the mistakes he made in our marriage, not making me feel important, the EA with the OW, not "believing in me" as I began my career, for being unfair in expecting me to believe and think the way he does. He mentioned how he was unfair in expecting me to be on-board with his goals when he didn't do the same for goals that I wanted for our family. He said he was sorry for telling me things like, "I would have never married you if we didn'thave the kids". It was overwhelming; I basically just listened. He told me he hated our house and it didn't make him feel good. He said that it represented so much pain for him and he wanted to move out. He was going to look into using the money he would have used to rent an apartment to invest in our home so we could put it up for sale. He said he loved me and just wanted nothing more than to move forward, and to do so with me and our kids. He also mentioned all the little things that bothered him about how I do things; like letting the kids trash out the van and letting the kids have a dog. He hates having a dog. -Also how I manage finances. He suggested seperate accounts with one joint acct. to pay all our major bills. After he was done, we were intimate again.
I feel like I am on a dobule roller coaster - a roller coaster that is on top of a roller coaster if that makes sense. Of course I have been soooo happy and elated with his decision.- Praising and thanking God.
Anyhow, Thursday night he avoided sleeping with me in our bed.I told him to let me know next time that he didn't wan't to sleep with me. Afterward, I brieffly rubbed his back and kissed his cheeck. He also said he still needed to move out and would see about moving in with his parents. I supported him and offered to help him in anyway I could.
Friday: I didn't see him at all as he said he would be staying at his mother's house for the evening.
My husband seems to be really conflicted. He says that he is scarred. I am too, but I believe that having lived 10 and half years with so much pain and unhappiness has been even scarrier.
My H keeps telling me he has a lot to say to me and he wants to hear everything I have to same to him. I am waiting. It is hard for me to talk about our marriage so often. I need breaks and I think he does too. I told my H that at some point he was going to need to do something that gives him a break from thinking about us. He would need to go out and have some fun, workout, spend time with some friends. More importantly, he would need to just sit down and enjoy spending some time with me, like just watching a movie or something.
"Thanks for the walk thru on the LRT.
What I gathered from that is that.. it worked.. but you don't trust it yet. You find yourself wanting to jump back in with both feet. Don't. Not quite yet. Just keep on.. keeping on."
I know that in using the LRT maybe I jumped in too soon; but I know my husband well enough to know what softens his heart. His LL is physical touch and quality time. I took three opportunities to rub his back over the last week and a half. The first couple of times I walked away after doing so. I also just supported him in every decision along the way, even though I knew he was crazy for wanting to move out-for financial purpose.
As this whole thing seems to be moving so quickly from one extreme to the next, I am worried. As easily as he made the decision to not divorce, and for lack of a better term, vomitted all of his regrets for his part in our marriage, how do I respond to all this. I have been supportive, happy of course and just listening to all that he says. I also plan to keep taking care of me and doing what makes me happy. He said he supported that and was glad for me.
I don't want to screw this up. I wan't him to be encouraged to continue moving forward. I just want to be sure that I don't make any bad decisions that will sway him to reconsider. I believe he is sincere about wanting to fix things. I just need affirmation about what I need to do and that what I am doing is the right thing.
Trying to be a leader in this all has been tough, but I have felt better for it. I want to continue what I am doing for me. I am feeling great about myself. Of course, knowing that my husband is willing to work on our marriage and has admitted to so many of the complaints I had helps. I am actaully glad that the OW e-mailed him back in April. It was time to wake up.
I am worried still about my husband. He is definately emotionally drained and isn't taking care of himself due to his exhaustion. He is where I was prior to my first visit with my marriage counseler. I feel badly that he is in so much pain, while I feel blessed.
Please someone, give me feedback. I am terrified about messing things up.
Praise God!!!
Originally Posted By: Forrest Gump
"Q1: Rehtorical question right..."
Excellent.
Thanks for the walk thru on the LRT.
What I gathered from that is that.. it worked.. but you don't trust it yet. You find yourself wanting to jump back in with both feet. Don't. Not quite yet. Just keep on.. keeping on.
"Q3:I believe he is committed to going to counseling. I also know he can be very resistive during the process too."
Hence my comment above. When very resistive goes away.. then we change things.
"Q4: PA... deal breaker... don't know."
You need to think about this.
Do you know what your LL(Love Language) is?
"Q5: Job #1: Taking care of me and my kids."
It was a loaded question.
Smile was the right answer.
Does taking care of you and the kids make you smile?
"After being passive all these years, being a leader will be tough for me. This is not the first time today I've been told this either. Different context though. Message from God perhaps."
I am not God. I am just someone who believes that leaders show up at the right time. That leader has to understand that.. people who follow.. you might pay attention to them.
"He says that I don't know how to love him and he doesn't know how to love me. He says we are never on the same page and don't even seem to have the same values. He says he only married me because I got pregnant with our children. He says that he isn't in love with me. He says we are too different. I know he is looking for every single wrong he can to justify leaving."
So.. I think you just said.. You are smarter than him?
Did God give you that talent?
Or.. did you just learn it all on your own? *
"I on the other hand say that my husband hasn't learned to forgive and move on, he is bitter and does not know how to distinguish from major issues to minor, he lacks understanding, is controlling, is selfish, is critical and immature when it comes to marriage. His perception about marriage is all wrong. I know because I have been cramming the truth about marriage for a few weeks now."
Stop. Don't do this!!
10 words.. or less.. explain what he is missing.
"In our marriage, I have never felt important to my husband. I have always felt insecure and unsafe."
So.. again.. define what it would take for all that to go away.
"I am overtouched and absolutely need a break."
Here is a good one for you.. What is his LL?
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
The last section in the box above is a technical error on my part. I was trying to put in a quote and messed up. Anyhow, disregard the quotation box at the end. I apologize to for my errors. Tried fixing them, hopefully you get the main idea from what I have written.
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
My H wants to restore our marriage. He seems to be in a lot of pain and quite depressed. He is staying with his parents right now. The kids are really having a difficult time with his absence. My S blows up in anger and my D becomes sad and cries. I spend as much time talking, playing and interacting with them. I know the distance is helping my H deal with the pain, so I am just supporting him. We don't talk at all. This Wednesday we are planning to go to marriage counseling. Wish us luck.
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
Hi Nina, LRT helps us detach so that we can watch the roller coaster and not ride it with them....also not talking about the M, and the R. As Pickle says (need insight II) just practice STFU (shut the f*** up) when he starts to talk about the M. Let him rant and rave and just listen passively but remember the book says only 50% of whatthey say, or even less, is the truth.
But of course, easy to say and hard to do.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Thanks for the response. Feeling pretty sh*** now. You are so right about 50% being truth. I thought my husband was experiencing short term amnesia as I listened to him during our session. As far as the marriage. I don't talk about it. I have only listened up to this point. Detaching is what I need to do for myself.
I will continue using LRT.
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
Went out this weekend with my friends and had a great time. The kids were with dad all weekend.
I found out from my daughter that H is talking to OW again even though he said he would wait until our marriage had run its course to do so. My daughter said she felt icky when he told her that her who he was talking to. I suppose his being so blatant means he dosen't care about his promises anymore. What makes me angry is that our daughter and son are both being drug though this whole thing. They are riding his blasted emotional rollercoaster too. I want so badly to protect them. They don't know that he asked for divorce again, a week ago from when he said he wanted to restore our marriage. This isn't fair to them. My D said she didn't think things were going well. I told her to just pray, let God deal with it. How do I help my kids? D is always emotional, crying and my son is angry. We are planning to include them in the counseling soon. Meanwhile, I bought them journals to write about their feelings. I suggested they could bring them when we went to couseling if they liked.
I want to ask my husband to move his things out of our room. I am thinking this might help me with detaching.
My H asked me to a family X-mas party when he wanted to restore our marriage. Should I still plan on going? Or should I make other plans?
I feel like a lost puppy... Even with the DB/DR, couseling, I am just feeling hopeless. I'll keep on keeping.
God bless everyone who is trying to save their marrriage.
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
