Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Deju vu, but new to the online forum...

I will not have any expectations. Thanks for the advice. We communicate so little right now, and I haven't exactly been too bubbly lately, I think it can't hurt for her to hear that I have a realization about our past troubles.

It sounds like you have a list of things to work on.
Keep on doing those 180's.
I understand how living like that can be awkward but it can be done, take my word for it.

Make sure you continue to take care of YOU and be the best DAD that you can be.

Living like that is awkward and can be draining, but there are positives. If you make true changes, your W will see them...but pretending like that is not easy, but can be done. Many of us have. One day at a time.

Tried to engage my wife in conversation when she got home from her business trip with, "how was the trip?", etc. All I got was one word answers. It's like talking to an ice princess. I then tried to talk to her about the girls and holiday gifts since I am taking them on a trip to my brother's next week. The girls both want American Girl dolls and I told my wife that my brother was going to get them for them. She immediately went on the offensive saying that's what her sister was going to get and got really pissy. You see, my brother and his wife have no concept on how to buy presents, especially for girls(they have 2 boys) and I figured it would be best if I told them specifically what to buy them and avoid them buying some disaster of a gift. So, I asked the girls what they wanted and they told me, so I passed that on to my brother. I politely told her that her sister has more creativity when it comes to buying presents, couldn't she buy them something else? She then went on a rant about how I better make sure they know the right one's to get, yada, yada. Unbelievable. I just let her go. Well, I had no idea that these dolls were $100/ea. and that was more than my brother would spend, so after all that, the point is moot.

I am really struggling with my mood lately. I took off work yesterday as I was in a really bad place. I am in sales, so taking the last day of the month off is not a good thing to do. Especially when I had a really crappy month. I had a talk with my boss today and he is aware of everything that is going on and he is trying to be supportive. He is suggesting to me that I take a leave from work, because apparently(shock) my attitude has been dragging my sales team down from his eyes. I'm in a lose/lose situation that if I do take the leave, my wife is sure to go over the edge and if I don't, I am being horribly ineffective at work and now, I am being told I am being detrimental to others. I have been trying to trudge my way through my depression, but apparently have not been too effective. Well, I assured him that I would 'fake it until I make it' with my attitude and when I am completely overwhelmed, I will take the day off.

I feel like everything is crashing in on me and I don't know where to start to try and take hold. It feels like the only positive I have right now in my life is my kids.

I can't be presenting myself as being too strong to W lately and I feel I'm losing ground in my battle.

You have a 180 that you can do here.
Take care of yourself first.

Maybe start excercising.
Have you ever heard of St Johns Wort?
It is a vitamin for depression.
You need to pull yourself up and get out of YOUR depression.
No one else is going to do that for YOU!

If all of that fails there is no shame in going on antidepressants.
That can take the edge off and maybe get you back on the right track.

I am really struggling with my mood lately. I took off work yesterday as I was in a really bad place. I am in sales, so taking the last day of the month off is not a good thing to do. Especially when I had a really crappy month. I had a talk with my boss today and he is aware of everything that is going on and he is trying to be supportive. He is suggesting to me that I take a leave from work, because apparently(shock) my attitude has been dragging my sales team down from his eyes. I'm in a lose/lose situation that if I do take the leave, my wife is sure to go over the edge and if I don't, I am being horribly ineffective at work and now, I am being told I am being detrimental to others. I have been trying to trudge my way through my depression, but apparently have not been too effective. Well, I assured him that I would 'fake it until I make it' with my attitude and when I am completely overwhelmed, I will take the day off.

I feel like everything is crashing in on me and I don't know where to start to try and take hold. It feels like the only positive I have right now in my life is my kids.

I can't be presenting myself as being too strong to W lately and I feel I'm losing ground in my battle.
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Hi mj,

Your employer is trying to protect you. He's giving you a chance to 'DB' your job using the LRT. Getting a time out. Take it and take and FMLA to protect yourself.

Use this time to do a 180 with your job. Focus on the therapy you need and adjusting your meds to focus. Get your game plan for your job to become the complete opposite of what your employer has described to you.

This will impress your wife.

The American Girl industry and product line is HUGE. Let your wife's sister have first dibs. Ask them to suggest what your brother/sister should purchase in the same line that her sister chooses. Everybody will be happy.

Dialectic Therapy is just really different, and isn't fast. But you do need some help focusing.

Ask your buddies on this site to help you stay focused and gain your PMA.

I really admire you for going down this path of growth. Someone very close to me has gone through this and has taken a time out from it. I don't really suggest that. Keep it up. I'm proud of you.

Cadet,
I am exercizing. I am 8 weeks into p90X and feel great. I am also on 3 different meds, unfortunately, they are tweaking them as we speak to try and get it right. I have been on antidepressants for years and just as all the s*** hit the fan, I had to change my meds that I have been taking for almost 5 years due to what they think may have been an alergic reaction. Frankly, the rash was due to stress IMO.

dbmod,
I fear that if I take FMLA, it will have the exact opposite effect on my wife and it will be the 'straw that breaks the camels back'. Part of her issues with me is that I told her about a PIP that I was on the end of this summer after the fact while she was contemplating cutting her hours back to spend more time with my kids before and after school. I kept it from her out of fear and embarrasment. Then the whole rash thing happened and I did take a 2 wk FMLA, came clean to her about the PIP and my pot usage that was when she decided she wanted a D. I basically took the FMLA to keep from getting canned and then had 2 stellar months because I was on a 'high' about taking charge of my life and attacking the WAW situation with gangbusters. I have just run out of energy in the last few weeks and hit a wall.

I am in a very complicated situation that I feel like no matter what I do, it won't be enough to save my marriage. I have too much to overcome.

Oh, and thank you both for the input.

This happens to all of us.
Pick yourself up dust yourself off and get back to what you were doing.
If you must rest first that is ok.
We all cycle up and down.
Try to ride out the down cycles and get back to the up cycle.

At least you are trying to take care of this.
Keep plugging and work with your doctor on the meds.
They will get it straightened out.

mj--

If you take it, you have a better chance of saving your job. Losing your job would probably have a worse affect on your wife. I believe your boss was warning you in the only way he's allowed to legally. Please consider it very carefully.

There is another way to do this. You can use it 'intermittently. It protects you. You don't have to leave completely to do it. It gives you 12 weeks. If you take them intermittently you are protected as best as you can be over the full time of using it. So you can take two hours or a half day a week. The most important thing during this time is to show the 180. Demonstrate signifcant improvement in your attitude to your boss and coworkers during this time. A promise to do it will not suffice.
mj--you are in a very tough situation. It isn't likely to be resolved quickly. The FMLA will give you some protection with your job and if you take it intermittently (only your doctor has to agree, at least grab the form from HR tomorrow), you may not need to reveal this to your wife immediately.