Frankly, to me detachment is more than rearranging my thoughts/feelings about what H does or does not, to fit a better conception of what I want. Real detachment means getting to the point in which what my H does or says no longer needs an interpretation to suit my ends.
If I look at little details and mentally change their meaning to me, I am still trying to control my H's behavior... so I am not detached. I need to acknowledge that my H controls his own life and he will do what he thinks is right for him... which may or may not be what I'd like him to do...
Detachment to me means that I have built a life for myself, leaving space for my H to fit in if that is what he really wishes, but allowing for the fact that he is entitled not to want to join me where I want to be.
Of course that is very scary, because it means I have to accept the real possibility of loss in the R and in all aspects of life. I have to renounce manipulation in a loving way, and concentrate in making myself the person I want to be, for me and not for my spouse. And it can and may well go 'wrong' for my M.
The beauty of detachment in my eyes is that when I get to that, and remain in it, I cannot lose. Because I am making myself a better person, regardless of what my marital situation is... I am I, not Mrs. X. I am accountable to myself, not to my H.
"I am not responsible for whether or not life makes sense, but I am responsible for what I make of this, my very own and only life" (I wish I remembered where I read that quote, so many books so little time...)
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Yes, OPT!! You have been able to reach that premier level of detatchment! Reclaiming of self with allowance for others to join you. You are right when you say that you can't explain HOW you got to this point either...something inside just seems to "click" and you know that it is right.
I had that moment of "click", when i knew that I would be alright no matter what happened. The calmness was a boon to me and allowed me to do my best DB'ing ever That calmness did lead me to this thought though. I have always told H that the one thing I learned from my 2nd M was that I was the most important person in my life...that when all was said and done I would always have ME no matter what. After a great deal of thinking over the summer I believe that at some level this statement frightened H, to him it was a statement of extreme self-centeredness and perhaps even selfishness on my part. My self-examination of the statement led me to amend it and tell H something along the lines of this...
I once told you that I was the most important person in my life. I now realize that that was a selfish thing for me to say. Yes, I am important but not to the exclusion of you. I have realized that with you by my side I can accomplish far more then I ever could alone. Your support helps me to be the strongest and most complete person that I can be. When I place your needs before mine or mine before yours I open myself up to failure...when we walk beside each other, as equals, I know that either one of us can conquer anything that comes our way.
H had a lightbulb moment when I told him this...the look on his face was enough to tell me that it was something that he needed to hear. I try my best to stick to this line of thought too. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fall back into old behaviour patterns. The funny thing is is that H is trying to do the same thing The selfishness and self-centeredness is starting to dwindle away from our R and we are finding ourselves left with to people able to stand alone, together.
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Detachment is a process, not an instant achievement. You have to keep in a steady state. This is my best attempt to explain how I got there. I posted it originally to LovedOne
Quote: Hi, Loved One
I had been reading your thread and if you have seen mine lately you know I may not be the best person to ask for advice. But I'll do my best, here.
I too find myself pulling away from my H and not even liking him at times. I frequently ask myself why am I putting up with this crap and whether I am wasting my time (this o so short and precious life) by even trying to rebuild my sorely wounded M. Maybe I should just call it quits and go our separate ways; my H may or may not marry OW, I may or may not marry again, but at least the pain would be over. Tempting? It is for me...
Then I look at my little girl's upturned nose and her big, trusting eyes when she looks at her Daddy (the guy who left her alone, the one who was not there when she was sick, the man who let her establish a friendship with OW and her family to totally cut off the connection when she let innocently escape that 'Dad is a baby because he sleeps with Mommy', the man for whom she cried herself to sleep many nights...) and I cannot do that to her. If it is only for her happiness, I owe her a try. A good honest try.
I can tell you the things I do know:
1. I know that my H could have left me and married OW any time in the last 5 years
2. I know that I do not have a sense of 'rightness' when I think of a divorce (not yet, anyway). I still feel it is the wrong path for me.
3. I know I have done a lot, but I have not done my best.
4. I know I am worth more than this R, but I have to build it.
5. I know that if I quit now I will be always marked by my past. If and when I let myself into another R, I'd be looking for signs of infidelity and find it hard to trust.
6. I know that if I do not learn how to trust now, I will have to learn with someone else. But the learning will have to happen anyway or I will never heal. So I might as well try now and give my d's family a chance.
7. I know that I cannot control my H, though I sure try to. I can control myself, but it is not easy. And I will for sure backslide.
8. I know that fear kills the soul. And if your soul is dead, you are too, even if you still breathe and your heart is beating.
9. I know that I like myself, and the person I've become more than I ever liked the old me. So I cannot regret the path that got me to be the person I've become, though I sure wish it had been less painful to walk it.
I hope this helps you. They are the tenets that keep me going when the going gets rough. As a practical matter, I try to repeat constantly my mantra "I cannot control him, I can only control myself" and if that does not work I use the Bene Gesserit 'Litany against fear' from Dune, by Frank Herbert. Works for me
Quote: I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
I hope it helps...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
optimist........ What an awesome and inspiring post!!!!!! I have not reached your level of detachment yet, but take comfort knowing it is in my future!!!!!!
kewl.... Thanks again for starting this thread...great idea!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
You really started a post here! LOL. The thing with R where you don't separate is that there is more work involved as you are going through the same as us that do separate. I've done my level of detaching a long time ago. but since you and your S never separated you are doing it now. LOL So all in all we all have to go through the same steps, no matter if our S are gone or at home!
Hi, Len here. I agree detachment is such an important step, but also a VERY difficult one too pull off. A counsiller suggested that I join AL ALON, this is a group for peoples whose spouses are alcoholics. No, my W is not (I don't think) but it is a support group and thier major goal to to detach. I will let you know how this is working out, come and visit my post, would love to hear from you!
I must say that detachment was much easier for me during seperation and the threat of d than it is now.
during the seperation I did reach a point where h's life was h's life and mine was mine and the two had nothing to do with eachother unless concerning the kids.
The difficult part is to move from total detachment back into an intimate r and I'm seeing that as not possible.
So then I am stuck in a position to either fret over the lack of intimacy between h and I or just detach and live my life myself and let h do as he will.
Makes it difficult to envision what the future will be like as I see myself living life and enjoying friends and family but h somehow isn't in that picture..even if I try to envision him on the front porch with me...it just doesn't seem right.
detachment gave me the abiltity to sleep comfortably in our bed alone...now I find myself trying to tip toe around him if he falls asleep on the couch in hopes that I might have the bed to myself once again (happens that way most of the time)
so as difficult as detachment may seem to a lot of folks...it's the putting it back together that is the work...finding that balance between detachment and an intimate r.
And that was the point I was trying to make the other day! Totally detaching is only good if, the two people are moving on. You have to know where to draw the line in detaching.
Quote: The difficult part is to move from total detachment back into an intimate r and I'm seeing that as not possible.
Yes, be careful about detaching to much! And that is why I have stopped detaching, afraid that like LL I may not find it easy to go back in a R with my H. I would call what I am doing~detaching with love.
And that was the point I was trying to make the other day! Totally detaching is only good if, the two people are moving on. You have to know where to draw the line in detaching.
Quote: The difficult part is to move from total detachment back into an intimate r and I'm seeing that as not possible.
Yes, be careful about detaching to much! And that is why I have stopped detaching, afraid that like LL I may not find it easy to go back in a R with my H. I would call what I am doing~detaching with love.
LL and Deb ~ Great points....I think Michele calls it "lovingly distance" in DR. I agree there is a fine line between being so detached that you can't imagine a life back with H and being just detached enough that you leave the door open to the possibility of a R......
I also find it challenging to be detached yet still be "kind" to H and not "rub it in" that I am happy and moving on with my life.
I always ask myself, if this were (fill in the name of one of your best girl friends), what would I do? How would I act? How would I treat her? then I try to apply the answers to my H. So far ir seems to be working. I am thinking of him more as a freind and less as a STBXH!!!!! Make sense??!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
That calmness did lead me to this thought though. I have always told H that the one thing I learned from my 2nd M was that I was the most important person in my life...that when all was said and done I would always have ME no matter what. After a great deal of thinking over the summer I believe that at some level this statement frightened H, to him it was a statement of extreme self-centeredness and perhaps even selfishness on my part. My self-examination of the statement led me to amend it and tell H something along the lines of this... 
