seems in the last few days that alot of us are experiencing this, and for some of us, for the very first time
i found this, somewhere can't remember where but i sure would like to discuss it
Quote: Detaching with Love
1 - Acknowledge that you are powerless over partner. You cannot make him/her change his feelings or make him/her love you. You can only control yourself and your own feelings. No matter how close you are to him/her and no matter how hard you try.
2 - Recognize that you alone are responsible for your own well being and happiness. Just as you cannot make your partner have specific feelings, he/she cannot make you happy or sad either. You control your own feelings.
3 - Focus on yourself right now. You are probably spending most of your time thinking about your partner. Wondering what you can do to bring him/her back. Your concentration is on him/her. Shift your energies to yourself - to things you can affect in yourself. Concentrate on your own needs and nuture/develop your own inner core of being.
When you detach with love, you acknowledge that you cannot control the other person's emotions and actions but that you trust him/her to do what is best; no matter what the final outcome is; no matter what decisions the other person makes. You have to trust that he/she will make the best decison for himself/herself and therefore ultimately for the R.
To let someone know you believe in him/her this way is the strongest validation of his/her personhood you can/will ever make. It takes tremndous courage and faith to tell someone that you love him/her enough to want whatever will make him/her happy, that you respect and trusthim/her enough to know he/she will make the right decision - even if that means they might not choose to come back into the relationship. Paradoxical as it seems, this is a win-win scenario for you. Your partner is going to find you much more desirable when you feel confident enough to make such a supportive statement then when you are needy and desparate ...
Kewlkitti What you have written is so powerful and true. I know it is important to find yourself and be happy and will be more attractive to your spouse. But WOW that is such a hard thing to do, when you are hurting for so long. It is so difficult NOT to obsess with your spouse. I think when more detachment arrives, my life will move on, but waiting for that moment or a level of detachment appears to be so slow to come. Aghhh, it hurts so much. It is so easy for the spouse as she left the marriage and is having fun with her new friends (and F’n male) and left all the responsibilities to me
for alot of us, detachment comes after a long and painful process, and then it happens almost immediately
we hear all the time how important it is to detach, but we really don't know how. and the really funny thing is, that even tho i know i am detached at this point, i cannot tell you how i got here, what the thought process was that enabled me to get this far
Hey Kewlkitti. Read some of your old posts, would like you to check out mine and would like to hear from you. Its “God, when is she going to cross the LINE?” in PIECING. Looking forward to hear from you.
Quote: When you detach with love, you acknowledge that you cannot control the other person's emotions and actions but that you trust him to do what is best; no matter what the final outcome is; no matter what decisions the other person makes. You have to trust that he will make the best decison for himself and therefore ultimately for the R. To let someone know you believe in him this way is the strongest validation of his personhood you can/will ever make. It takes tremndous courage and faith to tell someone that you love him enough to want whatever will make him happy, that you respect and trust him enough to know he will make the right decision - even if that means they might not choose to come back into the relationship. Paradoxical as it seems, this is a win-win scenario for you. Your partner is going to find you much more desirable when you feel confident enough to make such a supportive statement then when you are needy and desparate ...
This is SOOOOO true! I needed to read this! Now I will get on track. I believe that I was concentrating too much on him and getting him back? i think I was...maybe not. I kept saying no expectations, but we all have to have that little bit of hope?!
Anyway I liked the post and thanks for posting it!
I think many people confuse detaching with going dark. They think that in order to detatch they have to totally shut themselves off from the other person...this does not have to be the case. I try to look at it as a separation of ones emotions/feelings from the sitch...not from the person. I don't necessarily think that separating oneself from the person is a very good solution (going dark) in most cases. OF course, there are times when going dark is the only wake-up call that some people will understand.
Detatchment should come first. Going dark should only be when absolutely necessary.
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
I don't understand how you can move on without going dark. I don't think I can.
That isn't to say I'd ignore my ex-b after the 1st if he wants to contact me. But if I am in any major contact with him, I'll just want more, and then more, and won't get as much of a life as I need to.
I have waited this year for him, and I think that for me, going dark is the best thing. Otherwise I start scrutizing what he is doing - and I can drive myself crazy doing that. I need to be sane, and happy, and he should realize that he has had a R with me even when he thinks he doesn't.
Kitti, Thanks for posting this. After reading your post, I think I need to detach. I'm not quite sure how I am going to do this but I have to figure out a way. Lyn
Quote: I try to look at it as a separation of ones emotions/feelings from the sitch...not from the person
An excellent point. I do believe that THAT is exactly what I have done and it has freed me to get back in touch with ME and MY needs and MY personal happiness, TOTALLY independant of my H or our R, which strangely enough is getting better and better with every passing day that I am happier with MYSELF...it's almost as if its either contageous or sends out a 'silent warning' to our S to either hurry up and catch up or you my love will be the one sitting there stunned by YOUR loss.
T2
