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When a spouse walks away, it isn't usually a spur of the moment decision. The groundwork for her desire to be out of the relationship was laid bit by bit over many years.

She started out trusting you and believing in you. She started out knowing that you would love her and relish her presence in your life.

As the years went by and she found out time and again that what she believe was in fact not true...well...it changes people inside. She didn't wake up one morning and decide to go. She talked herself in to this being her only suitable response to life with you.


I don't say this to further cut you.


I say this to further drive home the point that this will not be fixed in a short amount of time, and it will not be fixed with a few weeks or months of kind words.


It will take time.


It sounds like you are working on your problems. This is what you CAN do right now. And you damned well better take it seriously, because if you are given another chance, I think it will likely be your last. Make these changes REAL and LASTING, and make them because you AGREE that they need to be made, NOT because you want your marriage back.


You.


Work on you.


Leave her alone.


It sounds ridiculous, but I'm certain it's right.


Blessings,

Bill

Thank you everyone. I do not think I am going to respond. This is all very good advice which I appreciate very,very much. I think I will just read these posts and take it all in and practice my listening skills. Or maybe I just know you are all right and I do not have anything to say. Thank you so much.

I am not sure if this is the place for religion but I need to ask this question.
Jesus tells us we should seek reconciliation.
When God tells us something we are supposed to do it as soon as possible.
How do I do what Jesus and God say to do, and do what DBing says to do with a WAW?
I am being told to go talk to my wife about reconciliation and forgiveness through God, but I am being told not to while DBing with a WAW.

IMO, you are doing what God wants you to do by DBing.

It may not be a direct conversation with your W about reconciliation, although, like the rest of us who come here, I believe you said you already told her you want to work on the M...

And nothing changed...

Maybe I misunderstanding your question...

Everything happens in God's time and in God's plan...

Neither I, nor anyone else here, can convince you to use DB techniques. That is your choice. I can tell you they work for me.

It is not something that will happen overnight. And I know you feel like you know so much already. You are learning, but life habits, don't change overnight. They take tons of time.

Please go back and read what has been written to you. There has been some very good advice given here from those who have been in the trenches and come out the other side.

To make my question simple, Last night God told me to go and ask my wife for forgiveness. I did not because of what I am doing with DBing. I want to stay with DBing but I also want to do what God is telling me to do. I feel like I am ignoring God.
How do I do both? It seems that it is not possible.

Maybe you can ask for forgiveness without putting pressure/ pursuing?

Something along the lines of "W, I am truly sorry about the things I have done to help bring down this M. Even though it looks like we will end up divorced I want you to know that I am truly sorry and I hope that you can forgive me."

I am by no means an authority, maybe someone else can chime in?

Look faith is a very personal thing.

I am not challenging that you have this belief and it is true for you.

I happen to believe God does speak to us very much in our lives in many ways.

It is how we interpret what we believe he is trying to tell us that is most important.

Did HE tell you when to do this?

There is a time to say this to your W Habit. And I am not God obviously.

I think that you have to have forgiveness and contrition in your heart to reconcile your M.

So yes. Come a day when this is something you must ask of your W and she of you IMO.

When she is ready to hear it from you.

And you are ready to say it without the need that she gives it to you.

God does it in HIS time. Do you suppose you know when that is?

I cannot tell you.

Keep your faith in this process and Him. It will serve you well through this journey.

It did me and that is all I can be witness to for you.

That is exactly what I want to do sliver, but I would also like to see if anyone else has any thoughts on this. I do not want to do something that sets me back again.

Habit...

In the cold, darkness of the night....

God's voice sounds a lot like guilt's voice....

She has stated her desires for now...

You have to find that balance within yourself as far as your faith is concerned.

Question for you though...

Your apology, is that for you ?

Or to fix the relationship ?

Thank you truegritter. I really want to have patience with both, and I have been set on that and fine with it until something like this comes up.
When we are told to do something by god, it is better to do it now, not when we feel we are ready. I am supposed to trust what he is telling me to do.
I really do not want to fight the DBing, it is what I have chosen to do, but I am torn.