Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy sigh....again?

In what way was it aimed at you?

Why did it make you angry?

Frustrated?

Why did you leave?

We got very much into my behavior and how my reactions cause this or that problem. She was raped in her youth, and has been in therpy for that. She is definitely too free with other men right now, and we feel that the rape is a factor.

She talked about how she can just talk to OM, and he never judges her. She feels confined talking to me. I might note that OM has nothing to lose here. I know, I need to try to be as if I have nothing to lose, too...but I have lots to lose, including some of my time with my children.

We totally ignored the poor choice of bringing the OM into the equation in the first place.

As a joke, the pastor did a quick set of wedding vows when we were getting ready to leave. I said, "I do, but I don't think I want to hear her answer". Sure enough she said "If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have." How cruel is that? How much does that invalidate 15 years of my life? This is a woman who said she loved me 2 weeks ago!

That's when I stormed out. Childish, but I was a fraction of a second from saying "F- you" to my wife and a pastor. The storming out was the lesser of two evils.

Your ego is getting in your way. Let it go. My H said the same thing to me...that he felt he'd made the "wrong choice."

Was it hard to hear? Yes. But it was how he felt in the moment, and to be honest, I'd had the same thought myself on occasion. Not only that, but I didn't blame him based on where our relationship was at, even before his EA.

Do you REALLY want to save your M? Or do you just want to be right and have HER fix HERSELF? You have two choices here..do you want to be Right or Happy?

Since your W is the walkaway (and willing to be in MC with you), if you want this to work, your best chance is to shut up and listen in therapy. Now, I'm not saying there won't be a time when you get to bring up all of the OM stuff, your feelings about betrayal, etc. It will come, but you must be patient.

Your W probably didn't feel heard in your M. I know I stopped communicating directly because my H had his own agenda, and my stuff came out in passive aggressive ways rather than an affair.

The clue is in your wife's response: "She talked about how she can just talk to oM, and he never judges her."

Reread that last sentence because it is a gift your W gave you. Copy it down, print it out, put it in your wallet and read it when your ego gets engaged.

The one thing I learned through DB is that it is not my place to judge my spouse...or anyone else but MYSELF. It's made it easier to just be the sounding board, the person who can hold the space when my H wants to talk. He talks a lot more now and asks for what he needs BECAUSE I can listen without judgment (well, most of the time...I AM human).

When my H and I were going through this, he was still in an EA when we started MC. I shut my mouth in therapy and listened. I let him bring up whatever he wanted/needed to bring up, and I responded with my perceptions/thoughts, and the MC helped us hear each other. For example, my H thought that I didn't like people because I never really wanted to go out to parties, etc. I told him I loved people I knew and was comfortable with, but going into crowds of unknown people gave me extreme anxiety (and the MC helped him understand I had social anxiety).

Yes, my H is the one who stepped outside of the M, but since he was the one who bombed me and was on the fence, I let him bring up his issues FIRST. I sat in weekly MC for about 3 months before I brought up anything, and that was only because my H had run out of things to bring up. He felt heard, he saw my 180s, and he was recommitting to our M.

You must get control over your emotions. Trust me, I *do* know the overwhelming urge to scream or storm out. I confirmed the EA my H was having while he was asleep downstairs and I went through his briefcase. I found a letter he'd written that he was painstakingly editing with red pen (that part hurt...he was trying to get the words just right) telling OW every little thing he loved about her.

What I WANTED to do was wake him up, smack him, and throw him out. I was shaking with anger and fear, late at night, no one to talk to. I MADE myself sit on the couch and breathe until I could trust myself not to take action. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it was the right thing to do. In the moment, it would have felt good to unleash the beast, but I know I would have at the least set us back and at the worst ended our M.

Ego has no place here. Set it aside, and wait for your turn. Tell the truth in MC, but let her bring her stuff up first.

BTW, I'm not telling you to be a doormat. I set boundaries with my H while all of this was going on, and I didn't put up with stinky treatment from him.

This is what worked for me. We're nearly 5 years post bomb, and our M is better than it's ever been. It is worth all the time, pain, effort, and struggle.

SD

Thanks, SDF.
You're right, of course. You know how hard it is to sit still, though.

Some special notes here:

I will never get the proof you had. She's very clever and has been using fake accounts, other names, multiple email, IM and chat platforms. I get antsy just seeing her on the PC or her Smartphone. It drives me nuts!

This is #2! The first was a PA, and we came back strong for 2 years. I did some major 180's, and held onto most of them, esp the ones addressing her most major complaints. Now she's in this EA, and claiming a new set of issues with me. We can come back again, and if we do, I think this one will be for keeps....BUT she'll need to accept some blame this time and do some hard work too.

I think she CAN, but don't know if she WILL. I think she is prone to take the "easy" way out...and I know her feelings are deep for OM right now, or at least she feels they are. She is a very emotional person, and has convinced herself that this is her true love, they are meant for each other, etc.

As far as I know, they've only met in person 3-4 times. The rest has been text/ IM! They have no clue what they are getting themselves into...its so easy to be perfect when you have no responsibilities to each other.

NAIVE.

Erase the whole sentence from your mind. What it meant was that the OM will do anything to get down your wife's pants. He is her "ear." He is her best friend. He makes her feel like a princess. He agrees with everything she says. He makes her feel like she is the most important person on this planet.

Everything he does has a sole purpose.

Men do not have emotional affairs. They search out sexual partners.

More Being Naive.

They know very well what they are getting themselves into.
They know and understand the consequences.
They are making conscious, taught out descions to do what they are doing.
They are not children. They are consenting adults.

Be Wise.

Steve~

I'm not commenting on the OM's intentions, only how his wife PERCEIVES things. His W feels heard without judgment, which is the clue he needs to take. Do you really think his wife knows/believes it's about getting laid for the OM? (And maybe it isn't...we don't know him, and plenty of affairs are about legitimate attraction and emotional connection.)

My H was vulnerable for an EA because I didn't really listen to him without judgment. He found an ear and compassion (regardless of her motive, which was to make her feel better about herself b/c she was going through a D herself).

It's not what the OP's ACTUAL intentions are; it's how the OP makes our WAS *feel*. I paid attention to what my H said about our M and what my intel/what he said about the OW.

And my H actually did have an emotional affair. He was looking for a new partner, a wife who would be a good mother (which was on a list of his I found comparing the two of us as part of a decision making process). Maybe most men don't have emotional affairs, but several do. My H was smitten and lovesick.

SD

Steve Mc,
What I mean is that they are in for a rude awakening when she finds that he can fart and burp just like a human, and he finds that she doesn't do much housework and he has to pull more than his share of the load- for example.
They may think of this now, and feel that their love will get them through anything...or whatever they are thinking. The reality of it will be very different.

God forbid that he has a real flaw, like being cruel to my children, running around with other women, etc.

Yes, I do, especially since I was definitely one to act out of emotion even before the bomb. I could go thermonuclear.



It doesn't matter what you can prove...you know. I knew before I found that letter, just by the way H was acting. I knew how he was when he was courting, and it was all over him. I actually hung out with him, OW, and another friend before the bomb but after he'd developed feelings for her, and that's what confirmed it for me.

In any case, the only thing you need to decide is whether you want to save the marriage or not. I do think that your MC needs to know this is #2, and I do think that your W needs IC. Personally, I won't go through it a second time and my H is clear on that point. I told him I'm willing to talk about any issues he has with me at any point, but if he steps outside our M again, he can't pack up his $hit and go. I did enough work with DB on myself that I know I'll be okay.

If she gets to the point where she's willing to R, I think putting some boundaries and conditions into place is in order. Transparency, IC for her, continued MC for you both, what else?

You can't make her be faithful, and it's possible she's not willing to stand up and own her crap. Does she play the victim a lot? Does she depend on outside things to validate her? Has she ever dealt with the rape? She needs IC...and for me, this would be a condition of R. My H was in IC even before he dropped the bomb, and he continued for almost a year afterwards. I got into IC when H dropped the bomb. We both did our individual work, and then we did our work together.

I couldn't do it a second time. I'm really clear that it wouldn't be about me but about him.

SD

She does have a rape in her past, and is in IC to deal. Its odd timing that our R from the first was going well for a year or so, then started to slip this summer, OM became a distraction around the same time, and she got into IC late summer. I caught her IM'ng him early fall, and we've spriralled down since. ILYBNILWY on 11/11 and sleeping on the couch since.

There is hope in the IC. Though the C has never met me or heard my side. The C seems to be pushing D, but based on highly fogged info on me and events.

These are the reasons I'm still trying, but I'm getting close to giving up. She has this trauma, it is effecting her, we never got to it during the MC after the PA. As far as I know, this is still an EA, not a PA....Sure is a PIA tho...

Her complaint about me now is that I'm controlling...and she points to the boundaries that she agreed to as a part of the R from the PA. Mostly that her phone would be left around and unlocked, to be checked if I felt like it.