Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New here, looking for help.

Hi, 3 weeks ago my WaW said ILYBNILWY, I knew things had been off for a while, but kinda waived it off as hormones and stuff since giving birth, stresses at work, etc... instead of working on those problems, i turned to online gaming as my solice. She's been talking about D a lot. I recently discovered this site and the 1st chapter provided matched my scenario perfectly. From the WaW to the friends offering advise to me being completely caught off guard. We had a rocky first couple of years, but have been married 11. In our first couple of years my wife cheated on me and I filed for D. She begged me to come back and forgive her, I did but kept a cautious eye open.
Fast forward to now and we have two young children. Decent amount of debt, and an unhappy wife. Truth be told, I've been somewhat unhappy too, but definitely wasn't thinking along the lines of divorce. I immediately sought a marriage counselor and we had our first session last week. I'd say it went so-so.
I'd also immediately gone into the begging, pleading & pursuing mode. After finding this website, and just got the book, sounds like the begging/pleading/pursuing isn't the path I should be taking. I was already on a diet, so I kicked that up a notch. And i've started exercising. I'm also gaming a WHOLE lot less that I was before and just generally working on getting me to be a better me and dropping a lot of my bad habits I know have been under her skin a while.
We've talked a lot more than we have in a long while, i'm discovering i've missed my friend and I've neglected her. She says there's nobody else, that she couldn't do that to me again , especially with the kids. But there's a small part of me that really wonders.
We grew to sleep in seperate rooms over time, b/c of my sleep apnea with my loud snoring.
At this point/stage i've halted all emails/txts/phone calls unless i'm contacted first. But like yesterday... when she walked in she was visibly upset and went to her room. She didn't come out of her room for a while and I went to check on her. I asked her why she was laying in bed and she started sharing all the details of what a bad day she'd had. A client had basically called her stupid. So i sat and listened and confirmed what a jerk her client was. This is a daily thing, her sharing her day and complaining about what went on at work that day. I know it's her way of destressing and I've always been a good listener so that's never been an issue. Plus I find the drama at her work kinda interesting.
We dont have arguments or fights or anything. She says I just dont love her like I should and she doesn't love me like she should and that she's just tired of trying / faking it. We live like roomates/friends, we might as well just be friends. I love my wife, I dont want to lose her but I've come to terms that that might be what happens.
I haven't got far enough into the book yet to know exactly what I need to start doing. Kinda read a few threads here to get a general idea. But I'm really not sure how to handle things coming up, like the week after next we have off together, the whole week, she's been talking about things she'd like to do, like go see the Harry Potter movie together, go to our French Restaurant together, do some shopping, etc... i'm not sure what I'm supposed to do there given what i've read so far in other threads. She's also expressed interest in playing the online game with me that was such a huge time sink/problem for me... i'm just not sure how to read all this and earlier tonight she asked me if my company was having an Xmas party and I said I wasn't sure. To which she replied, "well if you do have one dont count on me going b/c your boss knows about whats going on with us...". I told her I'd intended to go to her Xmas party this year if she'd allow and she basically said "What's the point?"
So many mixed signals... where to go from here...

Last week, before I'd started reading DR, I'd talked my wife into coming with me and the kids to my parents house for Thanksgiving (which we typically spend there). She had been saying things lately about not going with us. I told her this might be our last Thanksgiving together as a family and asked if she was please come. She conceded but brought up an old thorn.
Something that's been a thorn in our sides for years was how my dad hugs her occasionally. He'll come up behind and give her a big hug. It creeps her out. She was raped when she was a teenager and there are parts of that apparently still affect her. It was about 5 years ago she'd asked me to confront my dad about how he hugs her. I basically did all the WRONG things, telling her she was overreacting and my dad is NOT a perv, that's just how he hugs, etc... years of this. After doing some reading and soul searching and really listening to my wife I decided she was right. It makes her uncomfortable, I really should say something. But one of my issues is I avoid conflict like the plague. I decided it was time to deal with this awkwardness and talk to my mom/dad about it. I called them up,apologized up front that this would be an awkward call and explained the sitch. My parents took it quite well and wished I'd told them years ago. If i'd known how easy that was going to be, i woulda.
Told my wife when she got home that i'd talked to my folks and she wanted the play by play details of the conversation. The entire weekend she'd just randomly say "I can't believe you told your parents..." proceeded by what appeared to be deep thinking. I asked a few times, "Was that ok?". And she'd basically give me a mixed response like "Not sure..."

Mr....

Maybe a little more background on you ?

Your age ?
Her age ?
Children ?
Dog ?


Think about what your goals are, and what you envision in the future...

Talking with your parents and cutting back on the gaming is a huge first step....

Do you feel those changes ?

Or is it just a ploy to get back to same old, same old?

I'm not blasting you, just trying to see your focus...

Your age 36
Her age 35
Children S7 / D6
Married 11 years.
ILYBNILWY Oct 29,2010
2 Dogs :-D


Thank you for replying. It brought my spirits up to see a reply. Not sure why, but it did.

Nope, I want to change for good. I've been unhappy with myself and my situation for a while now. I've just grown into this rut and got real lazy. I have no desire to return back to my old patterns.

My immediate goals:
1) Stop being lazy.
2) Work on my physical appearance. I've kinda let myself go over the years.
3) Get in shape.

Been doing a lot around the house, things like fixing doors that haven't closed properly in years. Cleaning out/clearing out the garage so we can use it again. Things I know she's wanted done for a while but I didnt get off my ass and do.

I need to GAL though. My only hobby was gaming really. Need to figure out things to do once i go through my list of house fix its.

gaming...ooooh...

Online?

Easy there Pirate......

Trying to "kill" , not enhance....


: )

the "ooooh" was more for the potential online MMORPG addiction and subsequent neglect if true.

Yeah, you got it. World of Warcraft. My wife and I gamed together years ago (before kids) stuff like Diablo, Dark Age of Camelot, etc... we had a blast. Problem is, when we had kids. She dropped gaming and I kept at it. She replaced gaming with Social Network sites (mostly facebook). So feel like my head has been lifted out of a cloud now that i'm not gaming. Spending more time with my kids and enjoying it as i'm sure they are.

Now this ^^^^^^^ is good!

Should be your highest priority

In the days before kids, I'm sure it was a blast to do that...

How much of that put the responsibility of child rearing on her ?

How much is a tolerable level for you ?

How much is a tolerable level for her ?

Now....take her out of that equation.....

and ask....

How much is a tolerable level for your children ?

These things, that were her complaints...

How are you approaching them now?

Are you changing for her ?

If you really listen to what she says , most walk away spouses have spoken their complaints, and we have chosen to ignore the validity of those complaints..

Changing them now, for the wrong reasons, could be considered manipulative...

How many of her complaints "stung" when you heard them ?

There is a saying here, that if something "stings", then there is truth in it...

What stung you Mr ?


And what are you willing to do about that sting ?