Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Here we go again!

Ok, so all my talk about changing myself and so on and here I am again. Yesterday, someone at the arena asked me if my H was sleeping with this cop that he works with and so of course I go straight for the jugular and confront him about this. We are separated and therefore he can do what he wants. He made this perfectly clear to me as we were screaming at each other. He tells me "It's over!!" over and over again. I don't think one of our conversations goes by without him telling me it's over. However, I continue looking for signs and things that he says that might show me it's not really over. Yesterday, he made a snide comment about me seeing someone else (as if, when my entire life is consumed with losing him) I told him I wasn't seeing anyone else, and he returned with, "Well I don't really care." However, why bring it up if you didn't care. Then today, during our screaming match, he said something about Why would I come grovelling back, just so you won't forgive me again? Does he want to come back but is scared of my reaction? Or does he really want out? I need help to get myself together!! I have to stop focusing on him and what he is doing, but it is killing me!

Beth-
I am not going to be much help, except to tell you that my husband has said the exact same things to me. The closer he got to the decision to move out the more he said them. I also remind myself though that he is involved in an affair, and your husband is also. This is affecting their thinking. Yes, I truly believe they mean what they are saying right now. But the key words there would be "right now" because they are involved in the affair. I read somewhere that to remember that right now when they are responding to you it is going to be filled with anger b/c of how guilty and scared they feel. They are scared they are making the wrong choice, scared that they can't change, scared that they might be wrong, and definitely guilty. So I guess that offers some hope. But the negative side of this is that I truly think that we are not capable of busting the affair for our spouse. It has to be a choice that they make on their own. Pleading, crying, yelling, guilting them certainly will not do it. (Believe me b/c I tried!!!). I also, at this point, don't believe that competing with the OW does it either. I am also struggling with nc at the moment. But here is a conclusion I have drawn that I think helps me. I can tell by the way my wh and the ow act part of the excitement to them was how wrong what they were doing was, on some level it seems as if they were "getting off" on what they were doing to their spouses. I don't know why, but through their correspondences that I have found I feel like this is definitely the case. So I have decided to remove me, as an option, from the table. At least this takes out one element of the affair that makes it such a drug for them. This is the one thing I feel like I do have control of. Everything else I don't. So whatever you can do to motivate yourself to keep yourself focusing on you and off of him, do it. Tell yourself, over and over, that this is really the only chance you have of saving your marriage or saving yourself whichever it ends up being.

Beth,
It is not over till its over. BUT...your husband is sending all of his emotional energy to someone else right now and you can't change that by talking about things or by screaming at things. This all takes a long time, if it is going to happen. This is hard, it is very hard, and I wish you weren't here. But since you are, back off. As long as he is in an A, and his priorities are with someone else, he isn't coming back at the moment. He may be conflicted and that is good. Right now, he probably wants out, but he isn't sure. So do what works. Pursuing and yelling don't work...you just saw that. Accusations don't work...will probably drive him deeper undercover

But the best thing to do is to work on you. You can't make him do anything. But the stronger you are, and the more you are able to handle his behavoir in an adult fashion, the more respect he will have for you. Screaming at each other is childish and you will kill any/all respect if you continue.

I too was here about 6 years ago. My H was leaving, I freaked out, found these boards, DB'd my butt off and it did get a bit better. But he is doing it again--he is miserable, etc.

I am sooooo glad I found these boards. My H is never going to change and I can't "make him". I have done a ton of work on myself and you know what? I'm over his nonsense. If he is miserable with me, fine. I have other options in life than to work myself to the bone for someone who is miserable with me.

Since I have increased my inner strength and peace, H again is taking notice. I'm sure he doesn't know HOW in the world I am so strong but I credit the good people here and God for keeping me from cracking. Believe you me, I get it. I have not worked in 16 years. It's terrifying. But it's more terrifying staying in a loveless, disrespectful marriage where I never hear a word of appreciation, and haven't heard "I love you" in over 2 years.

Why are you there for the screaming matches? Distant yourself.

You know those lists that show up in women's magazines that ask "What Do Men Say are the Sexiest thing About Women?" Everytime I have read one of those lists it says confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. I think being clingly & needy is a huge turn-off. It seems that that should give you more courage, shouldn't it?

I believe most men like a gal with some spit & fire to light the place up if nothing more. A woman who is all sugar and no spice is rather sickening, don't you agree?

Work at having some spunk and backbone. You can do alright for yourself. You don't have to have a man. That is the picture of self-confidence he needs to see in you right now. The more you pull back tight on that rope....the more he's going to stive to get free.

I'm trying. Distancing myself is kind of tough. We have 5 kids and see each other 5 to 7 times a week right now. I'm working on the whole positive, self-confident thing here even though the truth is I don't feel very positive or self-confident. In fact, I feel pretty crappy... but I'm trying. Yesterday, my H's new girlfriend showed up at the school I teach at -- Yes, believe it or not, she is a police officer (so is my husband), and she came to the school to present a program to our grade 5's on values and influences. I wanted to scream and yell that she knows nothing about values, but I was calm and just ignored her. It was VERY difficult, but I did it. Today my H showed up at my daughter's basketball practice, so I left and went to the mall for a bit. I'm finding it hard to differentiate between screaming, begging and crying and then totally ignoring and acting bitchy and bitter. I need to find a happy medium!

Detaching is none of those negative feelings. You don't have to ignore him or be rude in order to detach. You just don't give him that rank of importance. You are a busy lady and your time is valuable. If he wants to capture your attention/interest, then he has to make changes/adjustments, right?

Sandi, just read one of your posts to lostandconfused. I am dropping the rope (well at least faking it to begin with). You are right -- let him go, let him see what he is missing. However, right now we have so much financial/visitation crap to deal with. He wants this over, he wants me to file -- what should I do. I have told him to file if that's what he wants, but he refuses because he says I will tell the children "See, mom tried, but dad won't try. Our family is broken up because of dad." My parents want me to use their pitbull lawyer and nail him to the ground. H wants to go to a mediator instead of a lawyer, and he wants me to initiate it. So..... any answers? If I'm not supposed to care, should I just go to the lawyer and file?

He's trying to get you to divorce him? No way. That would be enabling him for his poor choices AND he's trying to control you.

He wants out, he does the heavy lifting.

You can't stop him from divorcing you, seeing the OW, or being an a$$hat, but you can stop him from disrespecting you. YOU can detach from him, but you have got to stop arguing and go focus on you.

If he wants out bad enough, he will chew off his arm to get out. Not try and make you do the dirty work for him.

Bethann,you said what everyone wanted.....except you. What do you want? What do you want that is achievable?