Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Is there any reason to hope - yet another one

I know, I know. but damn it's hard. It's not like W and I were super affectionate all the time, but we got more affectionate this year because of my issues. Now she has pulled away.

I don't understand why she is not as upset as I am. What does she think when she looks at our kids?

I made a mistake today and broke down where she could see me. We drove into work together because our other car was in the shop. I dropped her off (secretly hoping for a hug or kiss) When she just left the car, I lost in and started crying. She came around to the other side of the car and said "I'll call you later, I cant do this now." I said "I know" But you could tell that she was really concerned.

The one thing I am looking forward to is my appt with my therapist. Tomorrow will be sheer heck though.

Welcome. I am also new and in a very similar place. She's on the couch and claims not to be talking to him, but says she can't imagine not having him in her life.

I've been backing off for a few days (but slip and talk a little sometimes). We don't kiss, but do hug a bit. She smiles more BUT seems to be taking the backing off as a sign that everything will be alright if we seperate.

I'm curious for the answer to your question: How does this backing off thing work? Isn't there danger to it- that I may be seen as not interested anymore or that I'm OK with seperating?

Its not backing off. Its the pursuing you do not want to do. Its the pressure of doing so that turns the spouse off.

You want to work on yourself and become the catnip. You want your spouse to come to you. Be attractive, be the man/woman your spouse wants to come to.

I understand your point, but I think the spouse really doesn't know if it's backing off or not pursuing. To them, you just aren't in their face anymore and if you seem to be doing okay, I could see them thinking. Maybe they are ok with this.

Okay, I guess I was overreacting to her. I'm keeping with the plan of friendly, kind, ready to talk about anything, not forcing R talk. So this evening she was going back to the office to finish some work. As she was leaving she paused for a bit look at me and then gave me a great big hug and said "Thanks for all the stuff you've been doing. You know because of everything."
It made me feel good.
Of course she could just be feeling guilty because she said she wanted a D. Nothing has changed on that front - at least that she's told me.

Update. I'm misreading the whole situation with my wife. I now think she brought up the divorce thing to get my attention. We got into a fight tonight because I told her friend about the EA with the guy. Of course, the friend called her and talk to her about it. W was mad and yelling at me. W is mad that I told my brother about it to.
She said she has lots of reasons to stay, she said she doesn't need any. But I'm giving her reasons to leave.
I feel horrible. Lesson learned guys. Keep your stuff to yourself, if you have to tell someone tell strangers.

I don't know where she is now. I think she really wants to stay married and work through this, but I keep screwing it up.

Well...DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

I am trying. Believe me. I have made great strides compared to where I was a month ago. I still have more to go, I know that. I realize that a lot of people here would kill to be in my shoes - W is still living with me, we talk every day, she calls and txt me during the day. She still says she loves me and just wants everything to return to normal i.e. me getting over my depression and making positive changes. She's never given me the ILYBNILWY speech.
But the way she sees it I've done some horrible things b/c of the depression issue. I can't changes those things. She is mad at me because of those things and says that she is tired of trying to get over those and doesn't have the energy any more. (I think she does though). She thinks divorce would mean that she wouldn't have to. But she also say a lot of things that would seem she doesn't really want it.
I told her my changes might be too little too late and she got mad at me saying, "I don't know that, you don't know that. Stop saying that."
She gets really upset when she thinks about even temporary separation.
But she hasn't take divorce off the table for now.

Even though we had a fight last night, I took a lot of positive things from it. First she was even willing to fight about it, I'd be scared if she didn't really care anymore, a lot of what she said in the fight was about wanting to stay together. But a lot of it was her still being very angry with me. Yet this morning the first thing she did when she got up was come into the room where I was changing our son and give me a kiss.

I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing, getting better, taking care of the kids, and being a full partner for her. She says she wants someone who's got her back. I know I can be that guy again. I hope she does too. It will take time.

Good news: She called me on the phone today to have a big R talk. I was kinda surprised. She apologized for last night then launched into everything.
The best part of the convo was that she said "I'm taking divorce off the table for now."

It's a HUGE relief. I do think somethings I learned in my short time here really, really help and the fact that it was so early on also helped.
She also brought up sleeping together in the same room. I think she was seeing where I was. I said I wanted to but would give her the time to decide.

She did admit that we still have a lot of work to do and she doesn't know what could happen after that. No guarantees. She still might want a trial separation to clear her head.
I am very hopeful, very.

Good for you, Harrier, but be cool. Take it slow. I hope you get there, but expect it to be a long road. Make sure things get resolved to your satisfaction.

At least in my case, once she started back, she was quickly 110% back...but now 2 years later is at it again. I had been so hurt and scared that I took my 110% with a big smile, and let the rest slide.

If you get that far, try to go slow and make sure your long term needs are met, too; that is, make sure you feel confident that the deep issues are being addressed.

Good luck and God bless