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You know Faith, I keep thinking about your words. I do appreciate your post.

The thought that comes back to me again and again though is: His wrong doesn't absolve me of my wrong. Just because most of us would agree that he is wrong'er' seeking love elsewhere doesn't take away my responsibility in the breakdown of our marriage.

My anger does surface and I definitely think "I don't owe him s***". But it doesn't make me feel any better about my part in our relationship breaking down. I want to fix my part. I will have to do this by asking for forgiveness. I know that about myself.

I know I hurt him very, very deeply. There is no need to remind me of the hurt he has caused me, it is all over this board. My actions are what bother me the most. I can't control his. I don't want to hurt another future partner in the same way. I am fiercely independent and shut people out emotionally. It has served me well protecting myself through the years. However, there wasn't a place for it in my M. I am guilty of giving up on the M too but in a different way.

I need to continue to work through forgiving myself for my part.

I am reading the 5 languages of apology now. I will see how I feel after reading this. I won't apologize to him without running the letter by the board, if/when I do write it.

How have others learned to forgive themselves for their part? I am really struggling with this today.

It is hard. Forgiving yourself and your S is hard in my opinion. That is an understandable struggle. There is a great thread about forgiveness in one of the forum, it might be in the piecing forum

Here it is (was in this forum):
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2088508&page=1

You will have good days and bad days.

It really takes time and hard work on yourself.

I still go back and think how I could have done things differently.

However, I don't dwell on it.

I immediately acknowledge to myself that there is literally nothing I can do to change my W's mind. She will change/not change at her own free will.

What does that leave me with? ME.

Then I look at myself and the work I'm continuing to do, so that I never go back to the person I was. I continually move forward.

I forgive myself because I owned my part of the breakdown and diligently try to better myself.

I accept that the past is the past and strive for a better me in the future.

I still get sad and angry, but I also feel happy and thankful at times too.

I'm thankful that this happened just for the fact that it made me dig within to find myself and I DON'T NEED her to be happy.

Thanks GW, I read the thread. It was just what I needed.

Thank you too Faith. I will continue on the same journey of bettering myself. I think it is 95% certain that my next relationship will be with someone other than my current H. I am terrified of repeating my behavior and experiencing this all over again. I guess we all are... no matter who the R is with... I find myself thankful in some ways too. I never would have dug deep either. I would have lived status quo and that is not what I want from life.

Thanks again.

I work at forgivness each day...
Forgivness is a Decision...
I use the light dimmer switch as my example...
As you turn the light dimmer switch clockwise the light gets brighter and brighter...
Once you make the decision to forgive...you have to slowly turn the dimmer switch clockwise each week/month and eventually
the forgivness process gets brighter and brighter...
Once we make the decision to forgive...the process is not instantaneous...it takes awhile...
Forgivness is a gift we give ourselves, but our mate and children and whole family benefit from the forgivness process.
I hope this helps.

I think it helps in seeing other people struggle with this too. I know I am not alone and that is the most comforting. It stops the 'what is wrong with me' internal voice.

Today I had a session with my IC. I think it came at just the right time. I explained how I was struggling with forgiving myself and kept coming back to it. She was most helpful in pointing out why I keep doing that... I want to avoid this ever happening to me in the future. I want to avoid another relationship like this. I don't want to live status quo or be someone's roommate. I want more from my relationship. I am so terrified that I don't have the power to change myself and this will happen again.

Her reassurance that I have and will continue to change myself was there just when I needed it. She is right, I have come a long way from the person who first entered her office saying 'it was all my fault'. I know now how very untrue that was and how I was selling myself short. My self-esteem had taken a real hit in the last 3 years.

She taught me to be kinder to myself. It is ok to circle back and have these feelings but she gently reminded me that the reason I do that is to protect myself from never letting this happen again... And I do this because of the big 'C' of course: control. I think after not hearing from him or his L after our response of putting this off until Jan, I felt another loss of control and a relapse.

I can control me. I can not control him.

I journal this now so that I can come back and read it again and again. I also document it because perhaps others are struggling with this and her words will ring true for them too.

I suspect there are many on this board like me that need to be kinder to themselves.

Oh and to top off not feeling in control...

I turned the corner and almost ran smack-dab into suspected OW. I forced a smile and she said 'excuse me' and trailed off when she realized it was me. Much different interaction that she and I used to have. We used to be quite friendly with each other.

Then... one of H's technicians comes and asks where he is... I thought FOR SURE she knew. I played it off best I could and told her he doesn't tell me anything these days and switched the subject. She works day in and day out with the two of them, ugh!

I guess I should look at this as having control however. I could open my mouth at any time and expose them if I wanted to. Unfortunately, I can't do it without making myself look bad... besides, I don't even know if they are for sure together or she was just a play thing. Maybe there is another...