Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers It's not over till it's over right?

I am really hurting right now. My husband and I have had some "couples friends" throughout our marriage. In most cases, they were his guy friends,but when they started dating and eventually marrying I became friends with their wives. Since this whole thing happened 6 mos ago I have not seen any of these wives. I was invited to two events since everything happened, prior to any of our friends knowing,and turned both down as I was not able to eat, sleep, and barely functioning at the time. Since things have detiorated my husband has let his guy friends know, he says anyway. With all the lies he has told me, I have no clue what he has told them though. I reached out to one of the girls on facebook today, she happened to be on and I asked her how her new house was. I got no reply and she went offline. This pain, at times, is unbearable. I did not do anything and he has hurt me so much. But on top of the pain he has caused I lose friends, family, and possibly my house. I am so hurt by her response to me, it hurts so much. How can someone who used to love me cause this much pain to me? I could not even do this to someone I don't like. The kicker is - he wants us to remain friends through all of this.

Is it possible that your friend might not have seen your Facebook message? Sometimes I've been chatting with people and one or both of us lost the connection but the other one didn't know. I'd send emails to those you really want to keep in touch with and ask if they would like to go to lunch. I confronted a few of "our" friends who seemed to be ignoring me, and they said they just didn't know what to do or how to reach out, or whether I'd even want to talk to them because they worked with H. Your friends may be feeling the same way, and waiting for you to make the effort.

I'm wondering the same thing. Our situations appear to be very similar. Been married for 10 years. had baby in April. PA with OW started in July. He left in October for good and filed for D. I'm not sure if he is still in contact with OW b/c I haven't asked in two weeks now (trying DB). He supposedly had no contact with her at that time, but why stop now since he's filed? KWIM? It's so very difficult and is so crazy and senseless b/c it seems like they have to become someone else in order to have an affair and carry on with something that is so wrong.
One thing I have been researching is Joe Beam's Love Path--google it. He talks of the term "limerence" which is very much like deep infatuation, but more like an addiction. Google "limerence Joe Beam" and you will find quite a bit of info on it. It helps put things into perspective a bit. Not saying it makes things easier, but it helps them make a bit more sense.

Done-
I took your tip and read about limerence. Very interesting, b/c he definitely threw around that term "soul mate".

Limerence is very interesting. I've never heard the term before, but have been reading as much as I can on the subject in order to try to understand and reach my WAH.

Done-
I hope that there is some legitimate reason for why my h has acted the way that he has. I want to believe that this is an addiction. When I think about how he has treated me while the affair was going on, and since he found out, with so little respect. If I really think about it, he has been incredibly cruel, but I find that I get caught up in what he says as much as he does. For example all he has to say is that I wasn't happy and she made me happy and I feel myself melting into a puddle of guilt. But I am out of town visiting my parents and have had some distance from the sich and time to think and I realize it doesn't matter if he is not happy. Unhappiness is no reason to cheat on me, lie to me, put me at risk for STD's, put his job at risk, blackmail me into not telling others, tell me just enough of the truth to keep me around as long enough for him to decide to work on it, promising me that it was never a PA, and then when I find out it was, on my own, telling me I'm stupid for not realizing that that is what an affair is.Walking out and getting his own apartment before making sure that we can financially afford it (which we can't). I think I can forgive him for having the affair, I could even forgive him for being angry at me for where our marriage is at and going through withdrawal, but can I forgive him for all the other stuff? Maybe if I believe that it is an addiction I can. Maybe I can't.

Lost--This is an incredibly difficult thing to get our heads wrapped around. I'm so sad and confused all the time b/c up until early August, my husband continued to treat me like a queen--like he always has. Then, he turned into this person that doesn't even look the same. His eyes are dead. It's like he had to shove his old self down in order to carry on with the affair, otherwise he wouldn't be able to handle what he has done to me or our family. The man I knew would have never done anything like this, but I think he is in limerence with this girl--she gives him attention and makes him feel good--therefore he has rewritten our history and talks like he has been unhappy and wanting to leave for years. While, he may have been unhappy, I don't believe the rest of it b/c we went through 3 years of infertility and ended up having to do invitro fertilization for our daughter. You don't go through all that with someone you don't love and plan on spending your future with. So, he has totally transformed into someone else. If he can't be a better person, then I have to let him go. But, it is so hard. I'm like you and I blame myself for all of this, even though I did not make him cheat or lie or walk out on his family. He did all that. I know one day he will wake up and regret it. I just hope it isn't too late for us when he does that. But, I know exactly how sad, alone, crazy, rejected, bitter, hurt, angry, disappointed, etc you feel. I feel it too, and I hate feeling this way.

Well, I made it through Thanksgiving and I am thankful for that. I managed to have a decent time. Now I just have to get through Christmas.

Great! You will make it through Christmas, too. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway. We have made it this far, surely we can manage that too.

If you have decided to use dropping the rope principal, then I would suggest you try to think of how you would respond if he was a distant relative or a co-worker. In other words, your emotions would not be the same.

Something I notice a lot in posts by LBS is how they feel they have to check on the child when the other S has them. No offense, but if I suspect that that is an "excuse" for contact, don't you think he might wonder the same? Another thought is that he might not answer your call b/c it is saying you don't trust him to care for your S.