My wife and separated in Sept 2010. She moved out, we went to counceling for about 3 weeks, for her to tell me she needs to be free, that she has tried, and so on, she wants to make it legal, and that"we" need this. she 30 and I am 42, we have been together for 6yrs, married for almost 1yr. She is the one that really pressured to get married. And I knew she was the one, but didn't want to rush, and didn't want to lose her either. so here I am, lost.. I have had one session with Dotty via DB, but am felling so hopeless. I would appreciate any words of hope that I (at this point) can get us married again.
I can get into more detail of our relationship if anyone is interested..
Welcome to divorcebusting.com. I am really glad you are talking with Dotty. She is incredibly experienced and incredibly helpful. Please be sure to follow her advice.
I think to be of more help detecting solutions, folks need to know more about your situation.
What arethings that she is complaining about....and what are the things that are going well? Also...how did counseling go?
Take heart....it isn't hopeless. We are here to help you, to walk through this with you.
well this past year has been tough, my father died in June. he got sick in Feb, but we didn't find out until 2 weeks before he died it was cancer. I was spending a lot of time with him up until then. In the process she felt lonely, but before then she was complaining of me not being attentive enough, taken for granted, intimacy..I accept responsibility for these, but really didn't know how to communicate with her when going thru the stuff. But over the past year alone was an adjustment when she moved in. So anyway things had gotten really bad in July, I was really feeling the loss of my father, and she didn't seem to get it. We had some very heated arguments, I said some things out anger and grief. I feel horrible about.
so fast forward up to now, she felt trapped, feels the need to be free, financially (she is a trust fund baby-kinda), and doesn't want the responsibility of a relationship. I know I am little scattered here, my head and emotions, are still a bit in dismay. I read the DR book, and spoke with dotty today about how to handle some things, and any positive signs to look out for. (it's really hard)
She comes by when I am not there to see our dogs, we chat thru text (very brief), she actually came by today and did some of her laundry. I felt kinda like a doormat, but I love her.. Dotty said I did the right thing, just being a friend for now. I just need help with the contact rules, how to avoid her desire to divorce, and what to look for for hope in this situation. I am also needing help in defining goals. Small goals that is. "I want to stay married to my wife", is a pretty big goal, how do downsize this to stay motivated and hopeful??
again I thank you dbmod for checking with me.. I am really in a state of @#$..and really wish there was an instant messenging line here that I could reach out to someone when needed..
My H & I went through a stitch similar to this. We M just a few weeks after his father died. We both were very young and unprepared for the fallout. I had never lost anyone close so I did not understand what he was going through. I realize, now, I was no support whatsoever. I was so self-centered! There was other major things that affected our lives and all of it together was a ton of stress on our M.
If your W has not experienced losing a close family member, then she may not be able to sympathize very much. Even though the two of you were together before, she may have expected more from the M than she received. Since you were having to give your time and attention mostly to your father....she may have felt emotionally abandoned.
I would suggest that you not pursue, but don't run away or avoid her if you should bump into her. Give it some time to see how she responds. If given the opportunity to see her, don't discuss the R and try to be positive and upbeat.
You are going through a very difficult time. It will take you time to grieve over the loss of your father. You may not want to get out, but GAL is probably what you need to do for yourself. It also makes you more interesting as a man. I think when she sees that man she fell in love with...it will draw her back again.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am also needing help in defining goals. Small goals that is. "I want to stay married to my wife", is a pretty big goal, how do downsize this to stay motivated and hopeful??
You're on the right track by keeping them small and attainable but most importantly they need to be about what you can control.
I can't stress the importance of writing them down as well.....Look at them often, monitor your results. Ask yourself if what you're doing is really getting where you want to go. Some of the larger goals will require a great deal of patience and time.
As far as specifics go? I don't know??
Maybe maintaining a positive attitude no matter what when you interact with her.
Steering clear of relationship talks?
Validating the way she feels.
Exercising /living a healthier lifestyle.
Did she have any complaints about you that you think were legit? This one can be a bit tricky. Many of them will come up with anything and everything under the sun to justify their reasons for leaving. It's up to you to sift through those and figure out if there are any truths behind them.
Taking a good honest look at yourself and working hard toward changing whatever it is you think you need work on is key. The kicker is, you must do these for you and ONLY you. Nothing or no one else.
Just throwing out a couple of ideas out there I guess...
Thank you so much for responding.. I am going to reply to both responses thru this post. To post #1- Yes there were some issues we had. she is very strong willed person, so at times her ways that she would approach a situation and topic, were very harsh. in turn I would react defensive at times. I am pretty slow to anger, so when she would get me to that point, I didn't know how to react.. Issues, she could be very jealous, she felt I took her for granted(at times i am sure I did), she didn't feel intimacy, and also that the communication wasn't there. But usually communication could be very one sided (her side) then would lead to an argument. But she also always said that arguing was healthy.. I agree to, to an extent. Also at time she relied on me a lot for her happiness, which created a lot of pressures from her towards me. shes 29yrs and feels she is having a (kind of) mid-life crisis. She wants to be "free" says, financially independent from her parents (which I have always said to her), and wants to live her life. Doesn't want the responsibilities of a relationship. The hard thing here as well is I have a son from a previous marriage, who is taking this hard as well. They had a really good relationship. Since he was 2yrs. she is the one that really pressured the marriage, although I wanted to marry her as well(otherwise I wouldn't have asked her), but for her it needed to sooner, and on her time.
And yes her support was not there. She even argued with me a my Dad's funeral. Which pushed me over the edge with resentment, leading me to say things that I didn't mean. Such as "are we even compatible, and I don't know if we are attracted to each other any more", BUT never mentioned Divorcing!!! I knew I loved her, just needed some understanding. She said she didn't feel included..
I did put my self in her shoes thru exercises i did, and had to walk away, because I was so ashamed of myself. I have really done a lot work on myself, thru reading and counciling. and notice huge changes.. I want her to see them too. I don't want to change her, I completely accept her for whom she is..
She is going to a councilor, that I think is steering her away from a relationship.. "Her/Our needs aren't being met". I was going to this councilor as well, and the excercises she gave me were to help me move on, because my W wanted to move on. Just recently thru conversation with my W, she mentioned some things that I told this councilor, in my private sessions. I am upset about that..I feel this lady was being unethical here. I have to talk with councilor, but I don't know my approach yet. i don't want to push her buttons, by saying something stupid, and have get back to my W. Confused here. No longer seeing the woman though..
Thanks sandi- Sorry for the book-
Need ideas with goals, if you have any, I am open..
To be continued- Maybe i can get help and ideas to
yes she had some ligit complaints I think.. lack of intimacy this year, attention, communication, taken for granted.. I do agree with her, but in my defense, my work had significant pay cuts, my dad died. I just didn't know how to handle the stress/grief, except to withdraw to my thoughts.. and not share much.
yes she had some ligit complaints I think.. lack of intimacy this year, attention, communication, taken for granted.. I do agree with her, but in my defense, my work had significant pay cuts, my dad died. I just didn't know how to handle the stress/grief, except to withdraw to my thoughts.. and not share much.
P10 All the above was related to mt sitch. I'm a year and 3 months into it and finally received some reciprocation from my W.
If you have time to read my sitch it's titled: Should I tell her to move on?
It was a tough year for me but it's looking like things may be looking up. It's a long hard road ahead. First try to focus on yourself that's the most important thing to do. Take care of your health.If you have kids be the best dad you can to them.
My W has not moved back yet, but we are going out on dates. Time and patience along the the willingness to self improve will increase your chances.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
