Thank you so much for the hugs. It was pretty rough--we came away with an agreement, but I haven't signed it yet (I am stalling--this is all so darn confusing!!)
I couldn't stop crying yesterday--no matter what, it's sad. And I let my H know I was not wanting this. Yesterday I was REALLY not wanting it, but today I'm a lot better--I'll be OK.
My H I think is being nice--he keeps going over the financial offer that was made, and we have come up with some new concerns and I got him to add that he would keep me on his health insurance for a couple of years.
He has offered a lump sum equal to about 3-4 years what I would get from a judge. My L thought I might do a little better, but not much worse, and was it worth a court case? Child support not that great, since he is continuing to pay for my son's private school.
And then 1/2 of everything we saved. It's not a fortune, but I can live. And possibly go to school, but that remains to be seen. And if for some reason I can't get a job soon, there is money to do absolutely nothing for a couple of years. He made me see that getting the house is the best way to go, and selling the trailer leaves me with less headaches and he will be responsible for 1/2 of the loss (which, it probably will have one).
He just wants out. He's a perfectionist, and this is the mess he has made, and he wants to start over fresh and clean somewhere else. The house is a shambles still, but part of the final draft will say he will be responsible for 1/2 of the necessary repairs. That means AT LEAST I can live in a decent place for a few years. I can sell when my son graduates and have some more equity since the house payments are mostly principal right now.
I have heard of people screwed by their H's right and left on these boards. That isn't happeing to me. I'm pretty shocked--evertything he is doing is decent to me.
So...being the ODD couple that we are....I freaked out about a pipe in the barn that was leaking. He came out and looked at it--he'll fix it Sunday. So then we go in the barn and he says "what else". I say, "you don't want to say that to me because I can find a lot of things." He says "what else". So I tell him about some fans I want removed, and a few more things--so weird that he is asking. SOOO....he grabs me by my shirt and pulls me towards him and says "I am NOT TRYING TO SCREW YOU--I WILL HELP YOU" (because part of my freaking out is saying that he is going to leave and I'll be alone with a huge house).
So then I say "wow--I thought you were going to kiss me!" and HE DOES! And I say, hey, that was fun, do it again! and he does! and so then I ask if he wants to get together later after S is in bed and he says "let's do it now" And WE DO!! IN the BARN!
I know, weird stuff. Guess I'm still piecing. Sort of.lol.
Ok, wondering which forum I should go on. I am "done". I really, really, really REALLY tried. I am Ok--great in fact--and getting a D. There is anxiety, like, when I went to mediation and the 3 days that followed. But overall, I still can't get over it, I am fine. Thank you LORD that I found these forums. OMG--I'd have been a complete wreck without them!!
So, I don't know exactly where to go. I really want to be "done" but mess with my H.lol. He deserves it.lol. Where is THAT forum.lol.
Anyone still out there? You guys on the Surviving thread seem to have a lot of fun--is that where I should go?
Sure, come on over. So once you sign off on everything is it a done deal? I went to court since ex didn't do anything to move it along and he is the one that wanted out.
Hope you are still doing well. hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I have a meeting with a financial divorce planner to see if the offer he's made will work for me. If she says no, then I have some documentation to either re-negotiate the agreement or go back to court.
My L says I'd do no worse, and probably better. I feel pretty comfortable that I am in the "driver's seat" and my H will just have to wait until I feel perfectly fine about it all.
H wants to play "happy family" for Christmas and I am debating this idea--on one hand I can see that it is better for my S. On the other, I want to go visit my family for the holidays, and re-connect with people I haven't seen for years.
Thanks Kat for your continued support. You are such a darling--I wish I could meet you IRL!! Hey! I have a big house in Florida if you ever want to come for a visit!!lol. 45 minutes from Disney... : )
Are you sure you want to make that offer? I have four kids you know. lol
Thanks for listening to me and letting me try to help you. My biggest joy comes from inspiring someone else. If I have done that, I am truly happy. I hope this all works out well for you and your son. Come on over to Surviving when you are ready.
(((((Laura)))))
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I would love it!! I know, it would have its "challenges", but I am not bothered by small stuff much any more--you know, having had a lot of practice in "not sweating the small stuff".lol.
Plus I am dying to just MEET PEOPLE and hear about OTHERS--my H keeping me tethered to the house for the past 6 years--I am sick of my own stories and his.lol. You would have my rapt attention.lol.
Well I haven't moved yet so I am going to just update a bit here. 2 1/2 weeks ago H and I met for mediation. It opened a dialogue between us and we have, for the most part, lost a lot of tension that was going on because of the "unknown" of how bad he would be in mediation.
He made me an offer to settle and it "seemed" pretty good at first--I really wanted it to work. But basically it is tied up money (in IRAs) and I have to pay penalties and tax. But like I said, I really wanted it to work--I don't like attorneys, trials, etc.
I have been tweaking it and getting a bit more as time went on. Also we met to set a date for temporary relief and that is set for Feb 9. H is unhappy about that and in last few days has gotten grumpy and demanded I accept or we "go to court".
Well today I got the answers I was looking for. Got a L in town that is "good with numbers" and knows my L, H's, and the judge in our case. Bottom line--it's a risky deal. He said if I can get him to "give" in a couple of areas he could see taking it. But if he doesn't, he advises that a judge would rule better for me.
The only, and I mean only, thing that scares me is if the judge makes me sell the house and split the proceeds now. The market being SOOOO terrible. But this L says that is not likely--it is much more likely we will sell in 3 1/2 years and he'd let my S live here as you can't really get rent that much cheaper. And then the market may improve, which they would take into consideration.
This L told me, off the record, that the judge we have doesn't like H's L--he has a horrible reputation and the judge knows it.lol. And he says mine is good, can hold her own, and is a "nice person". She is SO nice that I wondered if she could go against my H's who is such a sleaze bucket. But this guy says she can!
I am really relived to finally have another person's opinion!!
This has been one of my best Xmases ever--I know that I don't have to work on a "budget" immediately after the holidays, like every other year!! yeah! My H will spend money during the holidays like crazy but then he's all pissed about it later. Well this year it's just TOO BAD!!lol.
And I have been having a ball and SPENDING.lol. I tell my friends that next year may be lean, so enjoy!!
My H took us to Ice last night and it was soo fun. We go every year. Ice sculptures in 9 degree temps (in Florida, this is a treat.lol) and then off to a scrumptious buffet in the hotel, which is one of the nicest hotels I've ever seen.
H had an attitude before leaving--he called a few times during the day and I guess my new phone was off? or? I didn't answer and he was pissy. So then he was like, I'll take S 15 and we'll go (without me). I said, um, no--I have the tickets and you won't be getting them from me. So he started to have a cow and my S 15 is trying to talk to him, and reason with him about the phone thing, and my H is just being a jerk.
So S and I go outside and I tell him, let's just go somewhere you and I for a bit and let him cool off. He'll be fine if we show him we aren't afraid of him. But my S was afraid for me, and didn't want to do it. While we were outside H comes out and starts on us, and I tell him S doesn't want to go with him like this. So then H calms down and starts behaving.
So then we go and I am in a GREAT MOOD--my H is just not going to get me down--I am flirting with the "helpers" AND H, and just cutting up like ? I don't know what. Sometimes I wonder what has gotten into me!!
And at dinner I make H order a carafe of Snagria (my favorite). He is very amused by my antics, and is happy to oblige. We had a nice time reminiscing, joking, and being very silly. I don't know what that man is going to do without me some day--without me he is just such a STICK IN THE MUD!!lol.
For Xmas he has to work in the afternoon, and I'm going to the Gay Guys for some fun and then was thinking of going to the nursing home with some people from church with S. A great way to bring some real meaning to the holidays and visit people that may not have so much family.
The day after that we are going to my cousin's that I haven't seen in forever (because I was always off with my H's relatives over the holidays) and taking my S and meeting up with my sister. Always fun to see her!
My Stepmonster sent a card with her name stamped on it--nice. I have been told by everyone to contest the will. She did something shady and she doesn't want to be a part of our lives now because of the guilt. I tell you what, she sure is acting like she's done something--I may have to look into this after the holidays.
And my father in law is coming up to figure out a D agreement. I called them when their S (my H ) was behaving badly again--told him that when he does this from now on I'll be calling his parents.
Boy, this should be fun. H's parents don't want me to live in the trailer (with S) so I think his father will talk him into giving me a fair deal. Too bad he has to get involved (but thank GOD he will!!) My H is a piece of work and I think they feel bad--yea--D your W of 16 years and don't treat her right--so she has to live in a 600 square foot trialer with your S 15 because of your stingy, greedy nature and your sleazy L.
I told my father in law that H made a deal I didn't understand at all--and I thought his dad helped him with it, but apparently not. He said, "you need to feel comfortable with any deal you sign" I'm like "THANK YOU FOR SAYING THAT!!" I don't think I'm so thick that I can't get things--but this "deal" was SO COMPLICATED!! And I could NOT sleep and figured I needed to just take my chances in court. H's dad wants to avoid this at all costs of course--thank GOD there is someone in that family with sense. Of course I have always like them a lot. They have to be loyal to their S of course, but I don't think they want to see me destroyed either.
I went to the feed store yesterday and was cutting up with the two girls there (my two favorites). They said--You are SO DIFFERNT and I was like ? huh?? They said they used to think I was this really nice but sad/quiet person that barely spoke when I went in and now I am so bubbly and fun!! I'm like--OMG!! I can't believe that this is ...like...noticeable!
(I swear, I feel "bubbly" inside my stomach ALL THE TIME!! It literally tickles me inside!!)
They said, you really don't see a difference in yourself?? And I said well...now that you mention it...there seems to be something that makes me laugh all the time or something.
Have a wonderful Christmas!!! (oh--H went shopping for me too.lol I asked for a new couch! think I got it??!)lol.
