Chrysalid- I don't have advice for you ,but just wanted to let you know that I am in the exact same place as you are this weekend. 2 weeks of "dropping the rope" down the drain by my actions this weekend. I know how low you feel, and Iknow how frustrating it is to try to have rational discussions, with someone that you used to have rational discussions with, who is now completely irrational. I totally feel your pain. I guess all i can do is hope for the best and try to believe the people who say it will get better.
Things have gotten really ugly awfully fast. After my husband moved out 'temporarily' 2 weeks ago i thought it was a nice break, i was heartbroken but i thought it might do us some good.
I had a friend come over the other night to confirm that he knew that my husband and OW were having an affair.. i lost my mind and i was able to get into his email and accounts and find all their dirty correspondence with one another. I was up all night and had to take the day off work because i was devastated. I cut his business phone off , his credit card and i changed the locks on the house, I transferred what money i could out of his account because he hasn't been paying me for bills and was worried I'd be stuck. I then went to his work , dressed up, looked good and dropped a couple of the printed emails on his desk.. told him that he's no longer welcome in our home.
I wrote his parents a letter, i know i shouldn't have done that, it's mean but i wanted him to hurt like i am.. i want to send her husband all their emails too.. I called some of my friends and i'm just out to get blood.. i still can't get the image of the two of them out of my head.. i've lost 7lbs in 3 days.. that's the only good thing.. lol
How can i still love this man ? my heart was ripped out, she was my friend, i'm so hurting right now and i know i'm doing everything wrong and i know now that there is no chance for reconciliation, my family and friends and probably myself would never allow it.. I had a suspicion all along but now that it is confirmed I'm not sure if i could ever forgive him or get over this. How do people take their cheating spouses back ? how could you EVER trust them again ? is it worth it ?
i don't think i'm at the divorce busting stage anymore and just have to get used to the idea of the actual divorce.
Me-41 H-34 T-9 M-8 10/21/10-BOMB 11/01/10-H moves out 01/27/12-H files
"Good memories tell you that your past was worth it, bad ones tell you that you were strong enough to go on"
My husband is ignoring me, he's unhappy that I mailed his parents.
He has been seeing the OW less and is concentrating on his business. That's something i guess.
OW's husband has been mailing me, he has apologized for his wife. He seems like a decent man, It's nice to think there are still some out there.
My husband and I were a good team. We still have many family and friends rooting for us. I'm conflicted, my head and my heart are in a constant battle.
I'm leaning towards wanting him back but I'm trying not too become to hopeful because if i were to take my husband back he'd have to be truly remorseful and i don't think he will be capable of that.
I've lost a ton of weight & look really good. I still go to therapy and I have a very active social life. I think it bothers the husband. I think he expected me to stay home and mope.
Me-41 H-34 T-9 M-8 10/21/10-BOMB 11/01/10-H moves out 01/27/12-H files
"Good memories tell you that your past was worth it, bad ones tell you that you were strong enough to go on"
In June my husband moved upstairs and wrote me a letter saying he wanted to work on us and just needed space.
the next few months we still did the married couple things. Going out for dinners , movies, shopping for the house, he was coming to my events and watching my sports and I was right by his side supporting his business. I was working on my issues, going to therapy , going back to school etc.
August I started to get suspicious about a friend of ours, by September they were starting to meet for lunches and my suspicions grew. I wrote her a letter in early October begging her to leave my husband alone.
Oct 21, we had a M counseling session at which we returned he looked at me and said we're done officially.
through the next few weeks I still tried to approach him, to make sense of everything and he told me 'I'm not in love with you'.. I blew up at him and then he moved out.
Early December I found his chat logs detailing his EA/PA.
crushed.
--------------------------------------------------------------- Well things haven't gotten any better.. i'm trying SO hard to take the positive approaches to divorce busting rather than run out of control like i have in the past.
I've done so many things wrong the past few months and during the days our marriage and I'm trying to make up for that.
I have a lawyers appt. today to find out what options i have available to me. My husband has a struggling business and since I refused to support him financially since I exposed his affair he's become desperate and making all these crazy concessions.
2 days before mortgage was due he refused to pay or any other household expenses because he doesn't have the money nor does he want to pay ME to live there.. even after i explained that he's paying towards the house which is our only asset, not me.
He decided he was going to sign over the house, car & 80% of our possessions to me in exchange. Sounds great eh ? except, we have a flooded basement, leaking roof, we're in the middle of renovations and the simple fact that i cannot afford to live there on my own doesn't help.
So, he said he'll live in the house and his parents will help with the mortgage and he'll live there tending to utilities and maintenance and I walk away with nothing or He wants to sell as-is and lose a chunk of money just because he wants to remove himself from me as soon as possible regardless of the financial repercussions. He wants to be able to afford an apt. so he doesn't have to keep sleeping at friends. I've reminded him over and over again that he left, he was not kicked out.
These are the options he's given me because he's desperate, he feels backed against the wall and he's approaching the finances the same way he did our marriage.. find the quickest solution to get over it regardless of the consequences.
I've crunched the numbers, we cannot afford to separate financially because of the house nor can we sign over the deed to one another because neither of us has the credit to refinance. The option that makes sense to me is to fix the house up over the next few months and sell it as close to possible to what we paid and hopefully we get some equity out of it to split (we've only owned the home for 4 years).
Because he can't afford to contribute to the home, get an apartment and run his business all at the same time, I'm secretly hoping that he'll have to come home and maybe he'll be able to see for himself the positive changes in me, how clean the house is, how organized everything is that he's always complaining about etc. Wishful thinking I know.
I know i should be detaching myself but it's so hard. I still fantasize that he will return although he tells me he no longer loves me, that our marriage is over, that he had an affair and he's moving on with his life and treats me like he resents me. I agree that my M is most likely over and having him in the house will be a painful reminder...i'm very torn.. I've loved this man in spite of everything he's done and who he has become. I've been trying to figure everything out in my head and I've decided that I'm willing to fight till the end for him but how much of my spirit do i lose in the process ?
I hate getting reports from family and friends who see him and the tell me that he looks like hell. I know this wasn't an easy decision for him and I believe his conscience is eating at him no matter how much he's in denial. He still refuses to accept any responsibility or apologize for his actions and he still vehemently denies having an affair because he claims we were separated. I've offered to keep him on benefits so he can use the free therapy sessions but he refused. I can't get out of wife mode, i still have this desire to help and comfort him when he's down but I have to remind myself that this was of his own doing.
I also was informed by him that he is no longer in a PA with OW but they are still friends, this was also confirmed by other friends of ours. What does that mean ? Did he realize that we had an amazing connection that couldn't be replaced or is he truly working on himself and doesn't want to be tied down by another woman.
I'm still very confused about everything. I just want my second chance to make the nightmare go away and return to the life i dreamed of having with my H.
My therapist has concluded that my H and I had a parent-child relationship. He has some maturing to do and it's clearly evident by his actions of late but I have to agree.. i wasn't a naggy wife but i was always dictating things in our marriage. He also accused me of having anger issues which i now realize wasn't anger but frustration and how I dealt with certain situations
Me-41 H-34 T-9 M-8 10/21/10-BOMB 11/01/10-H moves out 01/27/12-H files
"Good memories tell you that your past was worth it, bad ones tell you that you were strong enough to go on"
