Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Here we go again!

Ok, so I'm back. My H walked out on me and our five children back in December of 2003. He told me it was over and that he was never coming back. He said some pretty horrible things and I was completely devastated! I didn't know what to do, but I bought Michelle's book and saw this online community. The long and short of it is that after using the 7 steps, my H and I got back together. It was hard -- I learned that he had actually left me for someone else and had had ongoing affairs for the entire 10 years of our marriage. We went to counselling and tried to turn things around. It appeared to work for awhile, but slowly and surely, things began going downhill again. If I'm really honest with myself I know that part of the problem was that I never really forgave him for the affairs. In April, my mother walked in on him in my house with another woman. He moved out in August and currently has a new girlfriend. Not even the original woman from April - she had a husband and children herself. I'm not really sure why, because my head says that this is for the best, but the truth is I love him. I need him to be a better man and I need him in my life. It's taken me this long to actually admit it. From April to now, I was simply angry and bitter. Alot of really hurtful things have been said by both of us. I really believed that I just wanted to hurt him like he hurt me, and we are not even speaking to each other any man. My children are older now and the oldest two, 16 and 15 can't stand him. They want nothing to do with him. He has made it abundantly clear that he is NOT coming back this time. "This is over!!" I feel like a complete doormat, but I love this man and want to grow old with him -- but not the way he is -- and I'm not really sure that he can change, I mean I tried again already and all he really proved is that cheaters never change. I'm just looking for someonw to tell me they've been in the same situation and their S changed and things got better. I'm almost ready to try the divorce remedy again, but I need some hope that 1) he will change and 2) he will actually come back again. I need some help.

Sweetie ... you need to focus on YOU. On building a life for YOU. Become the best person you can for YOU. Make any changes you want to for YOU.

You can not MAKE him want to change.
You can not hurry up any changes he MIGHT make.
There are NO guarentees.

Tell me .... what CAN you control?
What are you going to do for YOU?

Peace
PEI

You aren't seeing things clearly because you are hurting. This is hard. I am sorry you are here. Many of us have been in similar situations, it sucks, but you can do it. You can become happy again

Bethann,

I'm sorry you've found yourself in a painful situation again, but I welcome you back.

The truth is...life is messy, people and relationships are messy...and the thing we do BEST is screw up.

People change constantly. Relationships are behavioral, and behaviors are cyclical, so if you change one person's interaction, you will necessarily change the other persons. That is the good news. The hard news is.....sometimes it isn't as easy to do. But you know that.

We are here to help.

You are NOT a doormat, even if you feel like one. Sometimes when we feel helpless, we feel like a doormat, but that doesn't make you one.

Now...let's get back to the 7 steps. Set your goals, because it will make it more clear what to do.

Instead of focusing on what is wrong....let's focus on what is right, so we don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak. What do you want MORE of in this relationship?

^^^ THAT is NOT what I posted. PERIOD. I only hope you had time to read it before it was gutted of anything that might really hit home about becoming strong emotionally for yourself. The best chance you have of saving your marriage, and KEEPING IT, is saving yourself.

Pfffft. This is getting ridiculous.

PEI

I don't understand -- what is getting ridiculous??

Ok -- thanks for replying -- I appreciate it. I remember from the last time how this message board made me feel better. Just hearing from other people going through more or less the same thing helps. I know I have to change. I know I need to focus on getting my life on track and I know that this will help me and my kids, even if it doesn't fix my marriage. I know all these things, I guess I just needed someone else to tell me. So here goes, day one of fixing me. This is so much harded than it actually sounds!!

Bethann,

You are not the only person who has ever been through this. If you were, these boards, would not need to exist.



This is an important thing for you to recognize, IMO. When you can’t forgive someone, you can’t give them your true best self. Because there is a lack of trust. Even if it is unspoken and unacknowledged.

I would definitely add this to your goals if I were you. Learning how to forgive.

Personally, forgivness was hard fought for me, but when it finally came, it made a world of difference in my outlook and my life.






I am glad you want to try DB again, but I caution you, it isn’t a quick fix. And once you start, it should really become a way of life, not something you do to simply save your marriage.

There are no guarantees that your M will be saved. It sounds like you have an idea of what you no longer want to accept in your life as far as behavior from your H. That is good. Because it will allow you to figure out exactly what you will accept. And hopefully, you will begin to understand why as well.

There is always hope. As long as you want to have hope, there is hope. Nothing is ever written in stone.

You cannot control your H’s actions or choices. He is human too. However I agree with DBmod, your actions and reactions can and will affect your H’s actions and reactions. As well as those of other people. It is the butterfly effect.



Yes this is much harder than it sounds. Baby steps and patience with yourself are key in this.

Knowing that you will have moments, sometimes more than moments, where you feel like crap, and other moments when you feel wonderful. It is all part of this.

Walking away, with anger, with no effort, would be easy. You wouldn’t be here if you wanted to take the easy road…

lokk, i just found out after a year of denial and she came back in july but i finally busted the affair halloween night.

I know how you feel, i somehow still love her and also want to grow old with her but is this reasonable.

ninie

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PEImom wasn't talking about you.